SPEEDY SENIORS
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Posted:Jan 2, 2009 7:05 am
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 9:43 am 6460 Views
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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
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LEARNING CENTER FOR MEN..... list of classes.....sign up now.....
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Posted:Dec 13, 2008 7:07 am
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2011 5:51 pm 6329 Views
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AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health
Graphics and Audio Tapes
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks
Driving Simulations
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used
Live Demonstration
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
_________________________________________________________________
Any one want to (or need to) sign up.....lol..... have a great day!!!
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THIS is what is making us all crazy.....
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Posted:Dec 6, 2008 7:15 am
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2011 5:51 pm 6526 Views
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Those darn email forwards......
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks anymore because they WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor Army Sgt who requested it.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer .
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since I can now cough myself back to life instead of wasting time calling 911.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg!
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THANKSGIVING DIVORCE........
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Posted:Dec 3, 2008 6:21 am
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2011 5:51 pm 6822 Views
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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Heck they're getting a divorce", she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
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What is wrong with this picture????
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Posted:Nov 22, 2008 5:15 am
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2008 7:14 pm 6649 Views
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I'm just so amazed at some of the crazy things happening in this world.
A couple of nights ago, 4 young men attempted to enter a Burger King at midnight. They were told that they could only get food from the drive through at that time of night. Well! They left, returned later at the drive up window and asked to speak to the manager. The manager came to the window and they shot and killed him.
This young manager had 3 . He had just returned from Iraq. He lives through war but comes home to get killed over something so stupid.
What is this world coming to?????
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A VERY unique gift ... or... what to give the man who has everything...
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Posted:Nov 21, 2008 4:32 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 9:43 am 6655 Views
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"Hello? Is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report on my neighbor Thibodeaux. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descended on Thibodeaux's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted
open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. They sneered at Thibodeaux as they left.
A few minutes later, Thibodeaux's phone rang. "Hey, Tib. This here is Boud. Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Sure did."
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
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CONGRATULATIONS to all the born in the 1940's, 50's, 60's & 70's...
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Posted:Nov 19, 2008 6:12 am
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 9:43 am 6593 Views
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CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE WHO WERE BORN
IN THE
1940's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who
smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing,
tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were
covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles,
doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had
no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking .
As , we would ride in cars with no
seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a van - loose - was
always great fun.
We drank water from the garden hosepipe and
NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends,
from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and
drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight
because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play
all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights
came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we
were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out
of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find
out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's,
X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on
cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no
cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers,
no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD
FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and
teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents
.
We played with worms and mud pies made from
dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and
although we were told it would happen, we did not poke
out any eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house
and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just
yelled for them!
Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made
the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with
disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we
broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with
the law!
This generation has produced some of the best
risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who
have had the luck to grow up as , before the
lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our
own good.
and while you are at it, forward it to your
so they will know how brave their parents were.
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SCAMMERS..... Unbelievable!!!!!
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Posted:Nov 18, 2008 6:24 am
Last Updated:Nov 18, 2008 7:14 pm 6373 Views
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just saw an interesting story on NBC News about men in Nigeria who steal pictures of men off of the web and use them to get money off of women.
They actually talked to one of the Nigerian men who claims he is making $2000.00 a week from women who fall for his stories and fake identity!!!!
How sad!
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They WALK AMONG US
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Posted:Nov 16, 2008 6:53 am
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2008 4:55 pm 6565 Views
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I walked into a Blimbie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon
for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over
at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free".
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
They walk among us and many work in retail.
A friend of mine bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person
looking twice at it. My friend decided that people were too
untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he
changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
They walk among us.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends
when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
They Walk among us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate
agent which direction was north because, he explained,
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east,
and has for sometime, she shook her head and said,
"Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us!
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard one of the administrative assistants
talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to
the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but
"didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought
2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us
a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with
a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she
turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no matter which way the
head is turned.
They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so
I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a
small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook
asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought
about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough
to eat 6 pieces."
Yep, They Walk Among Us!
They walk among us, AND they reproduce!
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A Letter to Dad from a 15 Year Old......
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Posted:Nov 15, 2008 7:16 am
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2008 6:52 am 6605 Views
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A father passing by his 's bedroom was astonished to see that his Bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, Propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the Worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to Elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, Tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack Of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more .
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really Hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we Will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Jon
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
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