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Some Weekend Puns For You 4/22/2006
The two guys caught drinking battery acid will soon be charged.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show
you A-flat minor.
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period.
It marks the end of his sentence.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but
it let out ...
1 Comments, 40 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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...another marriage joke 4/22/2006
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts,
"Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The
ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of
the week!"
2 Comments, 139 Views,
12 Votes
,2.09 Score
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A marriage joke... 4/22/2006
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him
and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with
'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went
to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the
I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. ...
0 Comments, 36 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.. 4/22/2006
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became
upset.
"You're running around with other women!"
she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable, "
Adam responded.
"You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be
awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling
Eve ...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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A Little Humor Before Dinner 4/22/2006
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist
who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting
room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist
desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large
unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist
said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU ...
3 Comments, 120 Views,
11 Votes
,6.53 Score
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Important Recall Notice For All To Read Now 4/22/2006
The maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured,
regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in
the primary and central component of the heart. This is
due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code
named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the
same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been
technically termed,
'Subsequential ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
0 Votes
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A Funny Tax Time Letter To The IRS 4/22/2006
This is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of
one year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents,
exemptions, and credits. The letter speaks for itself.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for
two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal
Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these
are my or not for ...
0 Comments, 23 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Things My Mother (May Have) Told Me 4/22/2006
When life hands you lemons, smile politely and say, “Thank
you”.
Rome wasn’t built on a Monday, because Monday night is football
night.
Let the chips fall where they may, but I want every last one
of them picked up.
I came, I saw, I vacuumed.
The grass is still greener on the other side of the hill,
and today you’re ...
0 Comments, 9 Views,
0 Votes
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Life Is Tough And Even Tougher If You Are Not All There 4/22/2006
Life is tough enough on its own but it is even tougher when
you don't use everything that God has given you. Below
are a few examples of what I am talking about.
1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu
that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have
half dozen nuggets, " said the at the counter.
...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
0 Votes
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Our Speak Once More 4/21/2006
Answers given by elementary school age to the
following questions
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape
is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. ...
0 Comments, 8 Views,
0 Votes
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10 Things You Don't Wanna Hear....... 4/21/2006
Ten Things You *Don't* Want to Overhear Over an Airline
P.A. System........
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking,
I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat
cushions can be used as
floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography
trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight
attendant ...
0 Comments, 10 Views,
0 Votes
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Something For The Baby Boomers 4/21/2006
It's fun being a baby boomer, until now. Some of the
artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new
lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got
a Lovely Walker.
2. The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
3. Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
4. ...
0 Comments, 5 Views,
0 Votes
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gas prices 4/21/2006
sign this petition to lower gas prices
ITS LEGIT i got it off of channel 7 action news
http://bigchurch.com
if you cant get it off that site click on this site
http://bigchurch.com
PS give it to everyone u know
1 Comments, 35 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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Investment Tips For 2006, If You Are Lucky To Have Some Money 4/21/2006
Be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get
in on the ground floor and make
some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2006.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller
Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary,
Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers
join forces and become:
...
0 Comments, 9 Views,
0 Votes
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Away For 3 Days 4/21/2006
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday,
so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend
partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was
confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly
two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and ...
0 Comments, 18 Views,
0 Votes
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A Couple Of Short Stories On The Lighter Side 4/20/2006
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true, " she wanted to know, "that
the medication you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid
so, " the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering,
then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription
is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
0 Votes
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Underwear Is Important!!!! 4/20/2006
If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue
and reserve a tray, because you are dead.
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when
working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida
Daily News comes this
story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,
only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
0 Votes
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15 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife 4/20/2006
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave
her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then
she's yours. (Deuteronomy
21:11-13)
2. Find a and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering
his flock. -Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of
the ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
0 Votes
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the beautiy of anyday starts from the heart 4/20/2006
whene we go to bed at night we hope to see a wondeful and beautiful
day starting from the next morning. but most often many
people do not see the beautiful, because of the state of
their heart at the dawning of a new day. for anyone to have
a beautiful day his or her mind must be renewed to freshness
and that can only come by the word of God and dedicating time
to appreciate what the good ...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
0 Votes
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IQ Test, How Will You Do 4/19/2006
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how
you should spend the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating
the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully
expresses himself to the
shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,
how should he express himself? ...
0 Comments, 9 Views,
0 Votes
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One Liners 4/19/2006
Divorce: Proof that while you can't buy love, you still
end up paying through the nose for it!
Family planning has many misconceptions."
Poets who become singers go from bard to verse.
In 1913 The first rodeo was held, and cowboys got a few bucks
out of it.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.
0 Comments, 6 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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One Liners 4/18/2006
It’s hard to find a suitable card for the
schizophrenic twins. No one has a card that
says, "For the four of you."
I asked my friend what sign he was born under
and he said he was conceived under the
"No Parking" sign.
My was telling me about a trip to the zoo
with her grandparents and how she saw a very large
turtle who approached them. She exclaimed,
"He ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Watch What You Say, Never Forget 4/18/2006
The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few
minutes. When she returned, she found the in perfect
order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was
shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen
anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please
tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved
and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, little Sally ...
0 Comments, 21 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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A Little Humor Before Dinner 4/18/2006
Before my daughters death, I had taken the two grandchildren
out for lunch and on this particular day, boy did they misbehave!
On the way home one of them, asked, "Grandpa, will
you tell mama how we acted?"
Being the self-righteous grandfather, I answered, "No,
but if she should ask, I
can't lie."
To which my little grandson said, "What do you mean
you can't lie? I'm only 3 ...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
0 Votes
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christ is God's fulfillment for human 4/18/2006
God promised us good life and prosperity and all the abundance
of confort. those promises are fulfilled in Jesus christ
that is why Jesus Christ is God's everything for man's
total need.
0 Comments, 24 Views,
0 Votes
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Being Broke 4/16/2006
Well most of you know that I was working in England until
I had to come back to the states to take care of my grandchildren.
While I thought it would be easy to find work I learned the
hard way that it wasn't. It took me over 6 months before
I found a job and during that time there was more then a few
lean moments for the and I in fact I was so broke:
I'm so broke, if a trip ...
0 Comments, 24 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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The Senior Alphabet 4/16/2006
A for arthritis,
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention
H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L for libido--what ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
0 Votes
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The 5 Questions that A Man Does Not Want To Hear 4/16/2006
Below are the 5 most dreaded questions that a man does not
want to hear from their special other. Now the bad thing
with these questions is that most of the time you are going
to end up in an argument if you don't answer correctly
so remember to be quick to listen and slow to speak. Anyway
for my male friends out there better start giving some thought
for your answers to the questions ...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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The Gifts That Keep On Giving 4/16/2006
We all posess the ability to give. Below I have listed a few
gifts that you can keep on giving.
Listening, just plain old simple listening, no interuptions,
no staring off into space, no thinking of what you are going
to say, just listen to what the other person has to say.
Affection, show your family and friends that you love them,
give them hugs, kisses, hold hands, ...
0 Comments, 16 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Just One Example Of What Happens When You Are Looking For Perfection 4/16/2006
Here is a story of what happens when you are seeking perfection
and take your eyes off God.
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could
produce beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect
woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down
the east ...
0 Comments, 18 Views,
0 Votes
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