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Big Mud Puddles And Sunny Yellow Dandelions 4/26/2006
When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds
that are going to take over my yard. My see flowers for
Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on.
When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly,
dirty person who probably wants money and I look away. My
see someone smiling at them and they smile back.
When I hear music I love, I know I can't ...
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Actuals Answers Given On Family Feud 4/26/2006
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine -A
bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the ...
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Time Honored Truths 4/26/2006
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do
it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you ...
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The Story Of Jonah 4/26/2006
A pastor was doing his 's sermon bringing
all the youngsters down front to hear the lesson. He was
discussing the story of Jonah.
He began by quoting the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2: "And
the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and
Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.
Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the
fish, saying 'I ...
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Some More One Liners To Share 4/26/2006
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
When a hospital runs out of maternity nurses they have a
mid-wife crisis.
I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't
break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?" the pal asked. "Waiting
for me to get home."
Politicians are people who, before election, promise
a car ...
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Things That You Would Like To Say At Work But Can't 4/26/2006
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of
crap.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn
to see it my way.
I'll try being nicer if ...
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One Liners 4/25/2006
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the
Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its
single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
A woman's place is in the House or the Senate.
"The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would
be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."
How come your Dad never had money for the ice cream man but ...
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Just In Case You Are Having A Rough Day 4/25/2006
JUST IN CASE YOU ARE HAVING A ROUGH DAY, HERE IS A STRESS MANAGEMENT
TECHNIQUE RECOMMENDED IN ALL THE LATEST PSYCHOLOGY TEXTS
1. Picture yourself near a stream
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called
the world.
5. The soothing sound of a ...
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Quotes From Some Sports Role Models. 4/25/2006
I did a blog on role models that the look up to now a days.
Below are some of the responses your are hearing from
the them through the papers and local media. My are we in
trouble, hahahaha.
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I want all The to do what I do, to look up to me.
I want all the to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers ...
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You Know You Are Getting Old When: 4/25/2006
* Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't
work.
* You feel like it's the "morning after",
but you didn't go anywhere the night before.
* You sit in a rocking chair but can't get it going.
* You bend over to tie your shoes and ask yourself, "Is
there anything else I need to do while I'm down here?"
* You sit down to the breakfast table, and the snap, ...
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These Were Actual Signs That People Posted: 4/25/2006
*Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER? PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
*In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATICE WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
*In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
*In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE
BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
...
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How Did You Make Your Money 4/25/2006
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The
old guy pointed his worsted wool vest and said, "Well,
, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was
down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire
day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold
the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten ...
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I Have Learned That: 4/25/2006
What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us. What
we have done for others is immortal.
The easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself
with people smarter than I am.
To gather all the crumbs thrown my way. They soon form a lovely,
thick slice of life and memories.
Life is tough, but I'm tougher.
Opportunities are never lost; ...
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Some More Handy Tips For You 4/24/2006
Did You Know That? Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can
relieve headache pain almost immediately without the
unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain
relievers."
Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent
salve for burns.
Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler
filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple
of curiously ...
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Words Of Wisdom From Grandpa 4/24/2006
Country fences need to be high, pig tight and bull
strong
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb,
but how well you bounce.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
Mortgaging a future crop is saddling a wobbly colt.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble ...
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Getting Old Part 5 4/24/2006
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients
being discharged. However, while working as a student
nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my
help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let
me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked ...
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Getting Old Part 4 4/24/2006
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house,
and after eating, the wives left the table and went into
the kitchen. The two
gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night
we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great! I
would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
1 Votes
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Getting Old Part 3 4/24/2006
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full
of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do
you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep.
No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
0 Comments, 13 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Getting Old Part 2 4/24/2006
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was
able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed
the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said "Your hearing is perfect. Your
family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The ...
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Getting Old 4/24/2006
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed,
hair well groomed great looking suit, flower in his lapel
smelling slightly of a
good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image,
walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar
is an elderly looking lady, (mid 80s). The gentleman walks
over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip,
turns to her and ...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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The Coat Hanger 4/24/2006
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her
was very sick with a fever. She left her work and
stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got
back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the
car. She didn't know what to do, so she
called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse.
She ...
0 Comments, 55 Views,
1 Votes
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You Know It Is Going To Be A Bad Day When: 4/23/2006
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
You turn on the morning news, and they're showing
emergency routes out of your city.
Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
Your horn gets stuck ...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
2 Votes
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Famous Mother's In History 4/23/2006
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've
discovered, you still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint
on walls like other ? Do you have any idea how hard
it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't
hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand
out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM ...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
1 Votes
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Everything My Mother Ever Taught Me 4/23/2006
My mother taught me logic: "If you fall off that swing
and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My mother taught me medicine: "If you don't stop
crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me E.S.P.: "Put your sweater on;
don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My mother taught me humor: "When that lawn mower cuts
off ...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
1 Votes
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Aptronyms Just For Laughs 4/23/2006
These are real APTRONYMS, names that match the occupations.
Dr. Harry Beaver is a Virginia gynecologist.
Ray Ferrie is a retired ferry boat captain.
Linda Toot was the principal flute and William Basson was
the bassoonist in the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra.
The current Florida Bar direcectory lists eight lawyers
whose surname is "Law." They outnumber the ...
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Complaints Received By The British Council 4/23/2006
While I was living in the UK, they have what is called the
British Council. This particular office helped build
and furnish housing for their people that normally could
not afford housing. So knowing that below are some of the
complaints that were received by there office over the
course of some time. None of the wording has been changed.
These are true complaints received by the British ...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
0 Votes
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Different Questions I Have Asked Myself Over The Years 4/23/2006
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I
think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink
whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there,
I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's
butt."
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast
to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why ...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Some Lines To Make You Smile, I Hope 4/23/2006
1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. I
thought I was God and she didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute
of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal
to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Handy Little Chart To Have 4/23/2006
God has a positive answer:
YOU SAY / GOD SAYS
BIBLE VERSES
You say: "It's impossible" God says: All things are possible
(Luke 18:27)
You say: "I'm too tired" God says: I will give you rest
(Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: "Nobody really loves me" God says: I love you
(John 3:16 & John 3:34 )
You say: "I can't go on" God says: My grace is sufficient
(II ...
0 Comments, 10 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Understanding Investments 4/22/2006
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until
the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her
golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial
decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word
spell "Broke".
BEAR: What your ...
1 Comments, 39 Views,
2 Votes
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