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Some Humor To Share 4/16/2006
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have
you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.
Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing, " the man offers.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her
alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So ...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
0 Votes
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I Have Found Out The Reason I Am So Tired 4/16/2006
I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm
overworked.
Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million
are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
...
0 Comments, 7 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Taxes 4/15/2006
I feel there should be a better deadline for our taxes than
April 15.
How about February 31?
0 Comments, 25 Views,
0 Votes
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Truths I Have Learned As I Have Gotten Older 4/15/2006
Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to
look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how
nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every
day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep at home is to make the ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
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One Liners 4/15/2006
Football isn't a contact sport. It's a collision
sport. Dancing is a contact sport.
It is possible to own too much. A man with one watch knows
what time it is. A man with two watches is never absolutely
sure.
Most conversations are the deliverance of monologues
in the presence of a witness.
Rain is the one thing that the British do better than anybody ...
0 Comments, 8 Views,
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It Makes Sense To Me 4/14/2006
The kindergarten class was on a field trip
to their local police station where they were shown pictures
tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it
really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes, "
said the policeman. "The detectives want to capture
him. very badly "
The boy looked up at the ...
0 Comments, 6 Views,
0 Votes
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Some Stated Facts...... 4/14/2006
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
I told my wife I feel old, fat, bald, useless, and stupid.
She said, "Don't be silly you're not old."
When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.
I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars are allowed
through an intersection after the light turns red? Is it
three or five?
I'm so depressed. I went to ...
0 Comments, 7 Views,
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Side By Side 4/14/2006
They lie on the table side by side,
The Holy Bible and the TV guide.
One is well worn and cherished with pride,
Not the Bible...but the TV guide.
One is used daily to help folks decide,
No, not the Bible...but the TV guide.
As the pages are turned, what shall they see,
Oh, what does it matter, turn on the TV.
Then confusion reigns, they ...
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Hey, Did You Hear About The ....... 4/14/2006
Paper company that folded?
Brake company on the skids?
Bra manufacturers that went bust?
Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
Baker who was short of dough?
Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?
Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
...
0 Comments, 6 Views,
0 Votes
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Police Tickets 4/14/2006
These are true, according to the sheriff's department.
People who got the ticket;
Guy on a motorcycle doing 110mph at 1 in the morning "I
was cold so I wanted to get home fast"
Old lady doing 88 in a 25 zone "I was checking to see
if my muffler was leaking"
Vietnamese woman doing 45 in a 25 school zone "No speaka
english" After receiving the ...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
0 Votes
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We Have Done The , Now The Teachers, HaHa 4/14/2006
These are actual comments made on student's report
cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
All teachers were reprimanded but boy, are these funny!!
Since my last report, your has reached rock bottom
and has started to dig.
I would not allow this student to breed.
Your has delusions of adequacy.
Your is depriving a village ...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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True friend as Good health 4/14/2006
Many of us seek for peace and good health and many who find
good health and peace out of carelessness loss it and become
miserable. But the one thing that is equal good health is
true friend. No wonder it is said True friendship is like
sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be
lost. So when you have true friend cherish it and try to be
one to others. But remember Jesus is ...
2 Comments, 39 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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A Story Of Me And My Battles With The Government 4/13/2006
I use to owned a small business in north Florida. The Wage
and Hour Department of Florida claimed I was not paying
proper wages to my help, and they sent an agent to interview
me.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay
them, " demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my chef who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week". "The Chef's
helper has been here for ...
0 Comments, 8 Views,
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On The Lighter Side 4/13/2006
English sign in German cafe: "Mothers, Please Wash
Your Hans Before Eating."
On a scientist's door: "Gone Fission."
Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced
people."
On a music teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
On the door of a music library: "Bach in a minuet."
At a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers
to
cross the field for free, ...
0 Comments, 3 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Some More One Liners To Share 4/13/2006
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which
can only be seen in the rearview mirror. (read it backwards)
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
I call my pet amphibian "Tiny" because he's
"my newt."
There should be a better reward for ...
0 Comments, 5 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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I Use To Think....... 4/13/2006
During the 6 months I was out of work, I learned quite a few
things not only about myself but about the system that we
live in here in the USA. So when times were tough I learned
that,
I used to think I was poor.
-
Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy.
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Then they told me it was self-defeating to think
of myself as needy.
-
Then I was ...
0 Comments, 33 Views,
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I Had The Toughest Time In College 4/13/2006
"I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina
pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering
from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed
by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic
cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know
I had diabetes and acute ...
0 Comments, 7 Views,
0 Votes
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Old Is When: 4/13/2006
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber
today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
0 Comments, 4 Views,
0 Votes
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I Want To Go Back In Time When..... 4/13/2006
want to go back to the time when...
Decisions were made by going
"eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
Mistakes were corrected
by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing
about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever
was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching the fireflies could
happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two
or three ...
0 Comments, 4 Views,
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The Drug Problem In America 4/13/2006
The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine
lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county
and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't
we have a drug problem when you and I were
growing up?''
I replied: I had a drug problem when I was young:
I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for ...
0 Comments, 3 Views,
0 Votes
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I Can Tell Your Age By The Amount Of Chocolate That You Eat 4/12/2006
Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood
anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!
YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've
worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of ...
4 Comments, 41 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Actual Excerpts From Student Science Exam Papers 4/12/2006
Just some more to share of the wonderful things are
are learning in school these days, hahahaha. The spelling
is just like the turned in.
1. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because
it made man think.
2. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars.
3. The process of turning steam back into water again is
called conversation. ...
0 Comments, 15 Views,
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We Live In A Sue Happy Society 4/12/2006
A California grandmother is suing Disneyland after she
and her grandchildren witnessed Mickey Mouse taking off
his costume backstage. The suit is due to her grandchildren's
traumatic experience.
Two surfers went to court after one allegedly stole the
other's wave. The case was dismissed after court officials
found it impossible to put a monetary value on the wave.
...
0 Comments, 15 Views,
0 Votes
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Some More Things To Ponder 4/12/2006
* How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
* Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
* What disease did cured ham actually have?
* How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out
it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
* Why is it that people say they "slept like a ...
0 Comments, 6 Views,
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In This Day And Age We All Need To Learn To Use Our Heads 4/12/2006
To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use
your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; if he betrays
you twice, it is your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
He, who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend, loses ...
0 Comments, 11 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Strange But True 4/12/2006
A single share of Coca-Cola stock, purchased in 1919, when
the company went public, would have been worth $92, 500
in 1997.
Americans consume 42 tons of Aspirin per day.
Americans spend more than $5 billion a year on cosmetics,
toiletries, beauty parlors and barber shops.
Bayer was advertising cough medicine containing Heroin
in 1898.
Carbonated soda water ...
0 Comments, 10 Views,
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How To Tell If You Are Over The Hill 4/12/2006
You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You buy shoes with crepe rubber soles.
The only reason you're still awake at 2 a.m. is indigestion.
People ask you what color your hair used to be.
You enjoy watching the news.
Your car must have four doors.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You have a dream ...
0 Comments, 9 Views,
0 Votes
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It's always too early to quit 4/12/2006
Life is full of great challenges and contradictions, and
these we see our way to success and great achievement. No
matter how long you have tried or how soon you have been on
with your efforts, one thing to know is that It's always
too early to quit. The knowledge of this will serve as a reservoir
of strength to carry you through.
0 Comments, 3 Views,
0 Votes
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no trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made 4/12/2006
While noise and trumpets are sounded when we make some decisions
and or achieved some feat in life, it is interesting to know
that no trumpets sound when the important decisions of
our life are made. Destiny is made known silently, but then
we are the shaper of our destiny. Even when God has destine
us for greatness and many more good things, it is demanded
of us to work according to the ...
0 Comments, 11 Views,
0 Votes
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our privillege in Christ 4/11/2006
Our privillege in Christ is the work of the Blood and the
cross. The Blood deals with what we have done, whereas the
Cross deals with what we are. The Blood disposes of our sins,
while the Cross strikes at the root of our capacity for sin.
these are the great work of the cross and the blood. so that
whoever that finds Christ finds a total relief from all
forms of things that would ...
0 Comments, 6 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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