Christmas Carols and Songs
|
Posted:Dec 7, 2009 5:44 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 4:4 pm 2889 Views
|
These were passed to me by a friend. If you know of the workings of the HSE ( Health and Safety Executive ) you will understand. but please read and enjoy.
The Rocking SongLittle Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
Jingle BellsDashing through the snow
In a one open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
While Shepherds WatchedWhile shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of AA routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
A Long Way to Go
|
Posted:Aug 25, 2009 8:28 am
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 4:4 pm 3158 Views
|
Enjoy this tale of a youngle couple and a Vicar,
A Long Way to Go
Some years ago, a young couple living in London, saw an advertisement for a remote cottage in Devon. After viewing the property and returning to London, neither of them could remember seeing a toilet. The young man wrote back to the local vicar, who held the key, and enquired, about the location of the WC. The elderly vicar had never heard the term WC before but wrote the following reply, assuming they meant the location of the nearest WESLYAN CHURCH.
Dear Sir,
I was very pleased to receive your letter, but regret to inform you that the nearest WC is 50 miles away, which is most unfortunate if you are in the habit of going regularly.
The one in question is a lovely place, situated in a beautiful valley amongst many pine trees, and it may interest you to know that many people make a day of their visit. Some of them set out early in the morning and take their meals with them. Others travel by bus or car. Some like to walk but arrive only just in time! A bell rings 20 minutes before the WC opens and there is plenty of standing room for those who arrive late.
Inside, everything is most appropriate with 80 plush seats and beautiful carvings on the walls. The sit and sing during the procedure. Hymn sheets may be found hanging on the back of the door, and they may be used freely throughout your visit. There is also an organ accompaniment which helps the proceedings.
I do hope this information has been useful to you and that you will make it your business to attend often, I I have not been for 5 months and as you can imagine it pains me very much.
Your faithfully,
The Vicar
Oh how easy it is for misunderstandings to arise if we are not careful.
The only person you can’t have a misunderstanding with is yourself. You know your thoughts and intentions, for good or for wrong. But some people never understand what life is all about. Do you know yourself?
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Differences between male and female
|
Posted:Aug 18, 2009 7:08 am
Last Updated:Jul 20, 2010 1:42 am 4369 Views
|
After this morning' s chat in the friendship room , and yes it was a really good time, felt I had to post this after certain comments were made.
Please read and enjoy.
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new
Drive-through ATM machines enabling
customers to withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research,
MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for
your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part
is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required
amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on
to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call
them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access
to machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary
with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register
and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder,
and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver
waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Sent to me by my , oh the wisdom of youth
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
