Physical Boundary Violations
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Posted:Oct 21, 2006 8:53 am
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2006 9:12 pm 1750 Views
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Physical violence in our culture is commonplace. It stems from family violence, the violation of our bodies, physical space and physical needs. Most of us have experienced some physical violence and it has an impact on our lives. To deal with the impact of the fiolation we must recognize and deal with the violence itself. Nothing changes until it becomes real. The following is a checklist of physical boundary violations that may help us identify the reality of the violence in our lives. The violence we do to self, others and our planet will only change when we recognize and heal the violence that has been done to us. This recognition will heal and change our collusion, our altered tolerance level for violence and abuse. Physical boundary violations include:
Hitting,
Slapping,
Excess spanking,
Kicking,
Pushing,
Shoving,
Pinching,
Choking,
Shaking,
Twisting,
Use of objects in hitting: branches, boards, belts, saplings, whips, straps, etc.
Knocks on the head,
Excess squeezing,
Being physically restrained, tied up and tortured,
Burns with cigarettes, matches, stove and fires,
Threatened with violence and hitting,
Tossed around,
Lack of space,
Lack of privacy,
No rights to property,
Constant mussing,
Hair tossing and pulling,
Excess tickling,
Deprivation of food, shelter, clothing and warmth,
Being physically tested beyond your abilities,
Being pushed too hard physically with work,
Not being protected from:
---sibling abuse (older, younger, or same age)
---being beaten in school by bullies or teachers)
---excessive housework (my added this!)
Lack of personal hygiene modeled and taught,
Lack of nutritional support and information,
Touch deprivation,
Under or over feeding,
Excessive scrubbing and abrasion of hands and ears (my added this!),
Being exposed to unsanitary living conditions, rats, roaches, dirt, insects, plumbing that doesn't work, odors,
Lack of dental and medical care,
Clothing that is improperly fitted, inappropriate, dirty, worn out,
Lack of information about body,
Being teased about body,
Not having one's physical appearance or body affirmed,
Excess emphasis on external appearance, clothing, hygiene, handwashing, nutrition or diet, body functions, body growth or development,
Being shamed or teased about body functions or formations,
Being kidnapped,
Constant moving, relocations,
Being in close proximity to nicotine smoke,
Being locked in house, room, closets,
Not being protected from someone else's rage, andger, temper, hitting walls, thrashing, destroying property,
Not being protected from one's own rage,
Not being taken care of when sick or ill nor suported when sick,
Not having regular medical and dental checkups,
People or things that we become attached being destroyed or removed from our lives,
Not being allowed to have pets, friends, things to be attached to, stay in one place, have a sense of community, opportunities in sports, academics, arts,
Overexposed to the elements,
Pushed into violent sports,
No sense of ownership or learning about property, money, spending, and the cost of things,
Physical abuse of parents,
Witnessing violence,
Living through earthquakes, tornadoes, storms, wars, excess crime and
Not being allowed to have feelings, to talk about physical pain or abuse or not being protected.
Recovery from physical boundary violations includes:
Debriefing the violence,
Learning to accept and cherish our bodies,
Caring of our bodies,
Challenging ourselves physically,
Finding touch and nurturing,
Learning about healthy nutrition,
Recreation,
Developing a sensory awareness,
Being able to take pleasure in our bodies,
Learning gentleness,
Proper hygiene,
Giving nurturing to others,
Privacy,
Setting appropriate distance,
Finding an environment that feels safe, is clean - an environment we make a commitment to, take care of, make a connection to and know that it will be there,
Learning to take pride in our physical appearance without overly focusing on it,
Medical and dental care and attention,
Support and help for proper grooming,
Getting feedback, support and help from others for appropriate clothing,
Defriefing the physical violence that we've experienced and connect it to our responses to that violence,
Talking about both the response and th violence,
Learning to use our body in sports, dance, exercise, recreation, fun and play and
We need to challenge ourselves physically in healthy ways.
Author Unknown
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Caribbean Cruise
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Posted:Oct 18, 2006 10:48 pm
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2006 9:12 pm 1806 Views
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Hey, everybody, hope you will all forgive my absence these past two weeks as I have been on a cruise in the Caribbean. NO KIDDING!!!!
I was called on Thursday the 5th of October and invited to go on a cruise but had to leave that day to go to San Antonio. We left Houston on Saturday the 7th and returned to Houston on Saturday the 14th. I stayed in San Antonio until this morning (Wednesday the 18th) and got back home this afternoon.
I had the most wonderful time. We went to Progresso, Mexico, Cozumel, Mexico and Belize City, Belize. I have never had a vacation in my life before now and boy, what a way to be introduced to vacations.
If you have never gone a cruise, then go, I recommend it highly.
The weather was beautiful and I watched dolphins and flying fish through the portholes of the cabin. The water was the most incredible colors of blue and green I have ever seen, absolutely stunning. In Belize, I stood on the pier and watched the dolphins not twenty feet from me playing and feeding.
The food was absolutely wonderful. I ate lobster for the first two nights and ate calamari and escargot for the first time in my life. Both were delicious.
I even performed while on board in the talent contest for passengers on Thursday night, for the other passengers and some of the crew. I didn't win, of course, but had a wonderful time.
As soon as I get my pictures developed I will get some of them posted so that you can all see them. Meanwhile, this is a picture of the cruise ship we were on, the Norwegian Dream.
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Emotional Boundary Violations
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Posted:Oct 4, 2006 8:12 am
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2006 9:10 pm 1687 Views
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Emotional Boundary Violations
When our emotional boundaries are violated we lose the ability to enhance and sahre our feelings which affects intimacy. We lose the gifts of our emotional life guidelines.
Emotional violations include:
Abandonment,
Neglect,
Feelings denied and made fun of,
Being told what we can feel and when we can feel,
Being raged at,
Constant criticism,
Finger-pointing,
Name-calling, ridicule,
Sarcasm
Comparisons,
Blaming
Living with put downs,
Being belittled and scapegoated,
Unrealistic or lack of expectations,
Excess or no presure to succeed,
Being judged and never good enough or alway better than,
Excessive focus on repetitive, negative comments,
Double binds,
Double messages,
Being terrorized,
Lack of affirmation,
No structure or limits or overly structured with excess limits,
Over protected, smothered and not being made responsible for behaviors,
No consequences,
No protection from the emotional abuse of others,
Poor modeling of relationships and fellings,
Lack of affirmation of feelings,
People projecting their feelings,
Racism and prejudices and isms,
Being rejected,
Not being taught to care for self,
Not being taught gentleness or given warmth,
Living with the addictions or addicts,
Living with depression or illness and not bein able to talk about it,
Living with deniel and denied feelings,
Being shamed for the feelings we have or how we expressed them,
Being taught some feelings are OK and others are not,
Not being taught a ppropriate expression of feelings,
Not being taught there's a time and a place for feelings,
Living with many secrets,
Sticky not-directive parenting,
Excess guilting,
Not being listened to,
Being the favorite or the little prince or princess or the parent's best buddy,
Inappropriate roles in families,
Having to be an extenision of parents or scripted by the parent,
Being over bonded to a parent,
Living in isolation,
Being placed in inappropriate settings and around inappropriate people,
Excess suspicion,
Getting overinvolved in parents' problems,
Living with people who phobic, worrisome, obsessive and overindulgent and
Excess emphasis on externals - physical appearance, possessions, performance and manners.
In recovery for emotional abuse we need to learn we have the choice about how to express our feelings - when where, with whom and what feelings to express. Some of us need to learn to stuff our fellings, some of us need to learn to express or feelings appropriately and some of us need to learn both at various times. Forget the "let it all hang out." We need to be around people who can affirm our feelings but not always affirm our behaviour. Behavior is based on feeling and it is important to affirm the feeling behind the behavior and define it. Sometimes it is important to gently challenge or confront and notice the behavior as ina ppropriate. We also need to acce pt that other people can tell us how we feel. In addition to recovery from emotion boundary violations we need to:
Learn the language of feelings and become emotionally fluent,
Have asupport network of people who will listen to our feelings and shre theirs with us,
Lear not to medicate or distract ourselves from our feelings, but to face them and move through them.
Learn to embrace our feelings as Scott Peck pointed out: the only path away from our suffering is to embrace our suffering,
Understand and learn about the grieving process, and
Be able to connect our feelings to the realities of our lives.
Author Unknown
I would like to encourage everyone to either copy this picture of emotions or find another one like it, print it out and post it somewhere in your home to assist you in learning to identify what you are feeling. There are many such pictures to be found on the internet if you will do a search on "pictures, emotions". This is also a wonderful tool for in helping them to learn to identify and express what they are feeling
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Please remember my in Prayer today
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Posted:Oct 3, 2006 9:47 am
Last Updated:Feb 26, 2016 4:40 pm 1847 Views
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Because Amy is so far along in her pregnancy they are having to induce labor and she will have to "give birth" to the baby. They started at 6:00 a.m. CST this morning. It is now 11:42 and I just got off the phone with Matt. I could hear the pain in his voice over this loss, but he will not talk about it, he has always been that way, thinking that he has to be the big strong man. She has not even started labor. After she "gives birth" then they will perform the D&C. This is going to be a long and difficult day for them. Please remember them in your prayers.
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Intellectual Boundaries
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Posted:Oct 3, 2006 5:41 am
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2006 9:10 pm 1823 Views
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Intellectual Boundaries
Intellectual Abuse List
When intellectual boundary violations occur, we feel less than and slower than others. We don't seek educational advancement or information, we don't trust our ideas or thoughts, we're excessively vulnerable to other people's ideas. The lack of intellectual boundaries is a set up for enmeshed relationships, being used, abused, underemployed and underachieving. It can be the basis for hidden shame and poor self-image which are the ingredients of codependency.
Intellectual boundary violations involve being
Denied information,
Given misinformation,
Given too much information, too fast, too early,
Told what to think,
Told what you really mean when you have said what you mean,
Spoken for,
Made fun of,
Ignored,
Not listened to,
Constantly improved upon and having your thoughts altered,
Treated with cruel mind games that adults can play with ,
Called names, like "Stupid" or "Dummy",
Unrecognized for special learning difficulties,
Tested in non-supportive ways
Pressured excessively to perform in school for grades,
Treated as though nothing is ever good enough,
Not allowed to make mistakes,
Overly focused on for intelligence and being smart,
Not allowed to pursue areas of your interest and having curiosity stifled,
Forced to follow someone else's path or someone else's interests,
Not being offered remedial or special classes or tutoring when needed,
Not supported for continuing education,
Granted no private thoughts, having to tell everything,
In a living environment full of secrets and false information,
Advanced too rapidly,
Put in situations with too much pressure to perform intellectually and tested too often,
Not encouraged to question things,
Stifled in areas of creativity,
Not intellectually stimulated and
In a limited environment with the absence of people around who could provide information and stimulation.
Recovery from intellectual boundary violations enables us to enjoy learning and teaching. We can recover our intellectual curiosity, our spiritual process of learning, noticing and seeking. We can feel good about our process of discovery, how we hold and share information. Our recovery needs to involve:
Seeking and sharing information,
Having a realistic evaluation of our learning processes and style,
Developing ideas and beliefs,
Reading about things that interest us,
Finding and giving ourselves affirmation for our ability to reason,
Learning to process information and speak to others,
Becoming knowledgeable about the world and what's going on,
Intellectual, vocational and educational challenges and
Speaking out about what we believe.
Many people who have had intellectual boundaries violated, left their families feeling stupid and have found in going back to school in later years that they do well and were not stupid at all. We become brainwashed and were sold a bad bill of goods. Often, our intellectual capacity is much better than we believe. Sometimes the process by which we learn is different that the process by which we've been taught. Part of recovery is understanding how we learn so we can find appropriate teaching. Einstein said, "Everyone's a genius, some are just less damaged than others." In recovery we find mentors, teachers and guides - not gurus. Intellectual boundary violations make us vulnerable to cults of various types and live with self-doubt and fear. Recovery gives us the ability to sort out and decide, utilizing what we know and what we're told.
Author Unknown
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Boundaries
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Posted:Oct 2, 2006 11:22 pm
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2006 9:09 pm 1665 Views
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I've seen some talk lately on some posts about Boundaries and thought that I would post some things that might be helpful to someone. I got this information from a Woman's Shelter that I stayed at for a while. There is no indication as to who wrote them.
Boundaries are not just a woman's problem they are a problem for men as well. We all need to be aware of these things not only in our own lives but in others as well so that we can help them to be overcomers.
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries
Words in italics have been changed from the original by this blogger to meet the criteria of this site.
1. Telling all.
2. Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.
3. Falling in love with a new acquaintance.
4. Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.
5. Being overwhelmed with a person - preoccupied.
6. Acting on first intimate impulse.
7. Being intimate for partner, not for self.
8. Going against personal values or rights to please others.
9. Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries.
10. Not noticing when someone else invades your boundaries.
11. Accepting food, gifts, touch, intimacy that you don't want.
12. Touching a person without asking.
13. Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.
14. Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.
15. Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.
16. Letting others direct your life.
17. Letting others describe your reality.
18. Letting others define you.
19. Believing others can anticipate your needs.
20. Self abuse.
21. Intimate and physical abuse.
Setting Boundaries
1. I will not allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me.
2. I will not allow chemical abuse in my home.
3. I will not rescue other people from the consequences of their alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling or any irresponsible behavior.
4. I will not lie to protect anyone from the consequences of acting-out behavior that is destructive to me, to them, or to anyone else.
5. If other people in my life want to act crazy, that's their business. But I will not allow them to do it in front of me. Either they will leave or I will walk away.
6. I will not give up people and activities that are important to me because other people want me to.
7. I am not willing to take more than 50% of the responsibility for the problems in any relationship.
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Empty Arms
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Posted:Oct 1, 2006 10:09 am
Last Updated:Dec 7, 2011 2:37 am 1804 Views
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A precious to me you were though from my womb you did not come.
Your bright blue eyes and white blonde hair were just a part of your many charms.
I had to leave but wished to take you with me, dear, across the seas.
But I could not, so I was left, with an ache within my empty arms.
Such love and joy, they filled my heart, for you, the of my precious niece.
Your soft dark curls and gorgeous eyes, the sweetest smile, the softest sighs.
She could not keep you, so you were to be mine, and we set about to make it so.
Then you dissappeared to my alarm and I was left with empty arms.
Your mother, she is fair of hair and your father, his is black as night.
Your mothers eyes are green and true and your father's are the lovliest blue.
A grandchild, what a joy for me, the very first I'd ever have.
But God saw fit to take you, dear, and I was left with empty arms.
A beautiful family awaits, with mom and dad, two brothers, too.
A sister also, and all the rest, all anxiously waiting just for you.
Another grandchild, you'll make nine, and each of you a precious jewell.
And then a phone call late last night, again I'm left with empty arms.
October 1, 2006
© Cecilia D. Redman 2006
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Prayer Needed
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Posted:Oct 1, 2006 4:49 am
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2006 9:08 pm 1844 Views
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I received a call from my last night. My grandbaby, that was due in Feb. or Mar. passed away some time in the past 2 weeks. Amy is scheduled for a D&C on Tuesday, Oct. 3rd, two days before their anniversary.
Please keep them both in your prayers.
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