Itsy Bitsy Spider~
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Posted:Mar 30, 2009 10:05 pm
Last Updated:Dec 7, 2009 8:11 pm 11050 Views
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This big dude walks into a bar with a little spider on his shoulder. As soon as one of the dudes in there spots it, he tells his friends and they all laugh. The man says:
"Laugh while you can, 'cos this spider is stronger than any of you!!!"
The man making fun replies, "I'd like to see that!!"
"Fine, my spider will pick up this bar stool." He sets the spider on the floor and the spider easily picks it up.
"That's nothing!!"
"But there's more, now the spider will pick up a table." And the spider easily picks up the table.
The men, not letting the spider impress them, only boo it. "Now gentlemen, this tiny spider will pick up the bar!!" And the spider spits on his hands, rubs them together and makes a great effort, but it picks up the bar!!!
The men, a little impressed ask, "What else can it do??" So the man says, "Now, it will pick up the bar with everyone of us on it!!" Thinking it couldn't be done, the men start to get on the bar until there's like 40 guys on it.
The spider looks worried but starts walking towards the bar with an air of determination. Suddenly, a woman walks into the bar, sees the spider on the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it. "You bunch of sissies, scared of a little spider!"
LOL 
Blessings~
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Frustration~
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Posted:Mar 30, 2009 10:00 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 12:3 am 9727 Views
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Frustration:
After an overnight flight to meet her husband at his latest military assignment, a woman arrived in Germany with her nine , all younger than 11. Collecting their many suitcases, they entered the crowded customs area. The customs offical watched the entourage in disbelief. "ma'am" he asked, "do all these and luggage belong to you!" "Yes, sir" she sighed. "They're all mine." The agent began his interrogation. "Ma'am, do you have many weapons, contraband, or illegal drugs in you possesion?" "Sir" she calmly answered, "if I had any of those items, I would have used them by now." The offical allowed her to pass without opening a single suitcase.
LOL
Blessings~
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When Abe Lincoln was Your Age~
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Posted:Mar 30, 2009 10:00 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 12:3 am 9777 Views
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Noticing that his was studying while watching TV and listening to music, the father tells the : "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace" The replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was president.
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LOL
Blessings~
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New Pilot~
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Posted:Mar 30, 2009 9:50 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 12:3 am 9789 Views
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Taxing down the runway, the passenger jet abruptly came to a stop, turned around and returned to the gate. Eventually however, after an hour-long wait, the flight finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant.
“I hope it’s all sorted now.” Replied the nervous passenger.
"Oh yes, it’s fine now Sir, it just took us a while to find a new pilot."
LOL
Blessings!~
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Actual Postings on Patients Medical Charts
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Posted:Mar 30, 2009 9:47 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 12:3 am 9717 Views
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LOL I Don't think I'd want to be a patient at this hospital/clinic!
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1.The patient refused an autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage , but no other abnormalities.
LOL
Blessings!~
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How Poor are We
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Posted:Mar 30, 2009 9:42 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 12:3 am 9746 Views
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How Poor Are We
One day a father of a rich family took his on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing him how poor people can be. They spent a day and a night on the farm of a very poor family. When they got back from their trip the father asked his , "How was the trip?"
"Very good, Dad!"
"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.
"Yeah!"
"And what did you learn?"
The answered, "I saw that we have one at home, and they have four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden. They have a creek that has no end. We have imported lamps in the garden. They have the stars.
Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole horizon."
When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless.
His added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are!"
 Blessings!~
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~ in Church~
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Posted:Mar 15, 2009 5:00 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 12:3 am 11228 Views
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IN CHURCH 3-year-old Reese : 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'
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After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
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One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
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A Sunday school teacher asked her as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus!'
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A father was at the beach with his when the four-year-old ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'
LOL
~Blessings~
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~Forgive Your enemies~
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Posted:Mar 11, 2009 9:51 pm
Last Updated:Mar 30, 2009 10:12 pm 10658 Views
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Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?' 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. 'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?' I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly 'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?' 'Ninety-eight.' she replied. 'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?' The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: 'I outlived them all.'
LOL
Blessings~
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~Regrets?~
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Posted:Mar 11, 2009 9:49 pm
Last Updated:Mar 30, 2009 9:55 pm 10410 Views
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--------------------------------------------------------- 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.' ---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the .'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
LOL
Blessings~
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