Slaying the Phantom Part two
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Posted:Mar 17, 2010 1:17 pm
Last Updated:Dec 9, 2025 12:31 am 4446 Views
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Slaying the Phantom (Part Two) Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
Barbara sat down one day and described her phantom-what she felt she was expected to be as a wife and mother. Here is a portion of what she wrote: She is always loving, patient, understanding and kind. She is well organized, with a perfect balance between being disciplined and flexible. Her house is always neat and well decorated, and her obey the first time, every time. She is serious yet lighthearted, submissive but not passive. She is energetic and never tired. She looks fresh and attractive at all times, whether in jeans and a sweater digging in the garden or in a silk dress and heels going to dinner. She never gets sick, lonely or discouraged. She walks with God daily, prays regularly, studies the Bible diligently, and is not fearful or inhibited about telling others about her faith. She "prays without ceasing." She prays over flat tires, lost keys and lost teddy bears. She "gives thanks" when her husband is late for dinner. Remember that phantoms are illusions. Only we don't recognize them as such.
Again, having such goals may spur you to doing better and being better. But when they become illusory expectations, you become insecure and wonder if your mate accepts "the real you." You may feel like a loser when your mate may actually consider you a winner.
Prayer: Close your time together by praying that God will enable you and your spouse to balance contentment with a desire to grow and change.
Discuss: Sit down and write out your personal version of the "phantom." (You'll share your phantom with your spouse in the next session.)
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Slaying the Phantom Part one
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Posted:Mar 16, 2010 1:21 pm
Last Updated:Dec 9, 2025 12:31 am 3485 Views
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Slaying the Phantom (Part One) 1 Timothy 6:6
But godliness actually is a means of great gain, when accompanied by contentment.
During World War II the American forces in France had a phantom military outfit-a group called the Twenty-third Headquarters Special Troops. With careful staging and show-business theatrics, they impersonated real troops and created an illusion of military strength to strategically fool the Germans. For example, to mask the true location of their real troops, they created fake tanks and other equipment that looked real from the air. Many husbands and wives have such phantoms lurking in their minds-an unreal mental image that they think they need to battle. No one else can see these phantoms except the individuals who conjure them up, but they seem real nevertheless.
Phantoms are an unattainable standard by which we measure our performances, abilities, looks and characters. While there's nothing wrong with having a goal to aim for, a phantom by definition is an illusion, an apparition or a resemblance of reality.
Within your mind you have a picture of how you should act as a husband or wife, father or mother. And chances are this image is so perfect, so idyllic, that it is completely unattainable. Yet, every day you judge your performance by this phantom! And since you cannot match those standards, your self-esteem suffers.
The more distant your phantoms are from reality, the more frustrating it is to live in their shadows-and the more confusing it can be for the spouse who can't see the apparition and is left wondering why his or her mate seems always dissatisfied and unhappy. Phantoms can derail marriages.
In the next two devotions, I'll share the phantoms Barbara and I have in our minds.
Prayer: That God will enable you to be happy with the person He made you, and to find a balance between who you are and personal goals for growth.
Discuss: Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself? Are you aware of your mate having such a "phantom"? What's the difference between healthy goals for personal growth and an illusion or unattainable self-image?
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Lifeline of Connection
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Posted:Mar 15, 2010 8:48 am
Last Updated:Dec 9, 2025 12:31 am 3004 Views
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The Lifeline of Connection Leviticus 19:32
You shall rise up before the grayheaded, and honor the aged, and you shall revere your God; I am the Lord.
Jack Turpin of Dallas, Texas, is a busy man, but not too busy for his grandchildren. Several times a year he picks up some of his grandchildren who live in the Dallas area for what he calls "Grandpa Day." Starting at 7:00 A.M., they go to a traditional spot for breakfast and then to his office. There he has a closet filled with games and books that the grandkids enjoy. After the trip to the office, they go to the sanctuary of their church and sit. They have lunch and then return home. A few years ago, when one of his daughters became ill, Jack had "Grandpa Camp" for four days. Jack is purposely involved in his grandchildren's lives.
Let me ask you: Why are so many old people bored? Why are many of the elderly under-challenged? What keeps them going as they approach the end of life? Why do so many waste so much time chasing little white balls around a golf course?
I believe one key reason is that many grandparents are not like Jack Turpin. They are isolated from their families and are not involved in passing on a legacy.
Something tells me the problem in many cases may be their relationships with their adult . If you were to say to me, "I wish my parents would start making time to be grandparents" I would ask, "How much time are you spending with your parents?" Or, "Are you pursuing a relationship with them?" Perhaps if we value the older generation by honoring our parents, they will value the younger generation by getting involved in their grandchildren's lives.
Do your parents feel close to you? Do they feel loved, appreciated and needed? And if they are needed, is it for something other than just baby-sitting? If they did, perhaps they would make the effort to be involved.
God gives grandparents a special role in a 's life. A may learn some character qualities more from his grandparents than from his parents. That's the type of vision I'd like to give grandparents-helping to build another generation. And you can help make it possible by maintaining that connection.
Prayer: For your to experience a great relationship with their grandparents.
Discuss: How involved are your parents with your ? What steps can you take to help strengthen that connection?
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Famous Last Words
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Posted:Mar 12, 2010 11:47 am
Last Updated:Dec 9, 2025 12:31 am 4199 Views
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Famous Last Words Ecclesiastes 7:2
It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, because that is the end of every man, and the living takes it to heart.
While some people collect things like baseball cards, matchbooks and menus, I have to confess I have a small and strange collection of my own: "exit lines"-the final utterances of the dying. My collection of quotes is not as morbid as you may think. They not only tell you how a man died, but they hint at how he lived. These last words are the bookend of the legacy a person leaves.
Author Henry David Thoreau was known as an irreverent and arrogant individualist. Shortly before he died, his aunt asked him if he'd made his peace with God. Thoreau responded, "I didn't know we'd ever quarreled."
Contrast Thoreau's cynicism with the inspiring last words of the great evangelist D. L. Moody. He was reported to have turned to his sons by his bedside and said, "If God be your partner, make your plans large."
Some last lines are ominous whispers of a feared fate. Others shout the confident message: "This isn't it! Death is not the end." Ponder the contrast in these famous last words:
Bring down the curtain-the farce is over.-Francois Rabelais, sixteenth-century French philosopher and comic
Our God is the God from whom cometh salvation. God is the Lord by whom we escape death.-Martin Luther
I am abandoned by God and man! I shall go to hell! O Christ, O Jesus Christ!-Voltaire
I enjoy heaven already in my soul. My prayers are all converted into praises.-Augustus Toplady, author of the great hymn "Rock of Ages"
I am convinced that there is no hope.-Winston Churchill, whose vision and battle cry in life was to "never give up."
I have pain-but I have peace, I have peace.-Richard Baxter, seventeenth-century Puritan theologian
What will be your final words? How do you want to be remembered? How is your life today an investment in the legacy you leave?
Prayer: That your daily life will be a living testimony to the way you hope to die.
Discuss: What would you like to have engraved on your tombstone? What would you like your last words to be?
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Collecting the Right Stuff
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Posted:Mar 11, 2010 12:24 pm
Last Updated:Dec 9, 2025 12:31 am 2880 Views
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Collecting the Right Stuff 1 Timothy 6:18
Instruct them to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share.
The world has seen some strange collections. Is there something innately a part of our human nature that causes us to want to collect stuff? People collect all kinds of interesting things: oil paintings, sculptures, political campaign buttons, guns, stamps, coins. Francis Johnson of Darwin, Minnesota, has collected string since 1950. When I read about him, his ball of string measured over 10 feet in diameter and weighed five tons.
I once met a man in Dallas who had collected more than 4,000 hotel keys. (He told me of another collector who had made off with more than 10,000.)
But perhaps the prize for the most unusual collection goes to Italian dentist Giovanni Battista Orsenigo, who by 1903 had a collection of 2,000,744 teeth. How would you like to have been one of his patients? Would it be reassuring to know that your teeth would be stored up for posterity?
In Isaiah 39, the prophet speaks to unfaithful Hebrew kings who had stored up the wealth of nations they had conquered. Great storehouses of gold and silver objects, expensive garments, fine armor and objects of art were a sign of power some kings thought would last forever. Unfortunately, these collections wound up in the hands of their enemies.
In contrast, 1 Timothy 6:18 tells us to "be rich in good works." That's the only type of collection that lasts-the type you give away. Think of Dorcas, whose collection of garments she made for the poor not only became treasure in heaven, but whose story has lasted so long it's become the heritage of millions (see Acts 9:36-43).
What kind of collection are you acquiring?
Prayer: That God will help you collect good deeds, and thank Him for His way of enabling us to store up for the future.
Discuss: Why do we typically tend to collect "things" and not deeds? Why is the collection Paul refers to more lasting? Is there a collection of deeds you need to start today in your church?
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Signs of the Times Part Two
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Posted:Mar 10, 2010 11:21 am
Last Updated:Dec 9, 2025 12:31 am 2968 Views
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Signs of the Times (Part Two) Romans 12:10
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.
As I said in the preceding devotion: When isolation appears in a marriage, it is symbolized by certain examples or signs. Here are a few more I've observed. The locked door. Bill and Teresa have only been married for six months, but they have already hurt each other deeply. Their dreams and hopes of intimacy are already fading in the darkness behind locked doors where they have withdrawn. Bill was able to open up during the engagement, but now he finds it difficult to share his feelings. Teresa craves intimacy and desperately wants to be his partner in life. She can't get in, and he won't come out.
Excess baggage. Because both Bob and Jan came from broken homes, they were determined their marriage would be different. Although they have talked about their parents' divorces, neither has grasped the impact the breakups had on them. Without the model of a good marriage embedded in their minds, they are unaware of how much excess baggage they carry.
The TV dinner. Walter and Jeanne both work some distance from their suburban home, so when they arrive home they have fought rush-hour traffic after a long workday. They collapse in front of the television, eating TV dinners while watching the weekly sitcoms.
Their five-year marriage isn't in trouble, but later, after they start having , she'll feel she's become a widow to a seasonal selection of football, baseball and basketball, not to mention his hobbies of golf, fishing and hunting. She's lonely. And he doesn't even know it.
Prayer: That you and your mate will guard and protect your relationship from isolation.
Discuss: Do any of the signs and symbols here or in the preceding devotional fit your lives? If so, how can you begin to lower these barriers? If not, talk about what you're doing right to protect your marriage from isolation.
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Signs of the Times
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Posted:Mar 9, 2010 12:39 pm
Last Updated:Dec 9, 2025 12:31 am 2967 Views
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Signs of the Times (Part One) 1 Corinthians 13:5
does not take into account a wrong suffered.
Although most people get married partly to find intimacy, many couples soon begin to raise symbols of isolation. The "I do" at the wedding ceremony too often changes to "No, I won't," and the original openness toward intimacy is transformed into symbols and signs of isolation. Here are a few signs I've observed in couples as they experience isolation:
"No Trespassing." Paul and Michelle have worked through several difficult problems during their 25-year marriage. They are considered by many to have a model marriage. But over the years they have become alienated from one another because of an unsatisfying sex life. Too proud to seek counsel, they find they can't discuss the subject anymore. They have declared that area off limits.
The ticking clock. Near retirement, Ben and Mary have raised their family and are proud of their new grandchildren. Their marriage of 35 years has withstood time, but silence has now crept into their relationship. They don't know how to talk to each other because for so many years they focused their lives on their . Now any relationship they once had is replaced by silence, broken only by the occasional squeak of a rocking chair and the tick, tick, tick of a clock.
The crowded calendar. Steve and Angela are both aggressive professionals, actively involved in civic responsibilities and their church. But ever since they started their family, they've noticed a difference in their marriage. Gone are the walks and late-night talks they used to enjoy. They're too whipped-they now live for the weekends. Fatigue is taking its toll and neither has energy left over for romance.
Prayer: Ask God to help you understand your spouse's perspective of the situation you're discussing. If you have no issues, give thanks to God that you don't!
Discuss: How about prayerfully discussing an area that has been declared off limits with your mate? Pray first. Resist blame and defensiveness.
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Help Wanted: Complementary Women
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Posted:Mar 8, 2010 9:32 am
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2010 1:56 pm 8569 Views
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Help Wanted: Complementary Women by Barbara Rainey Genesis 2:18
Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."
Wives have always found it difficult to live with what they want most: a husband. What we, as women, need perhaps more than ever, is a clear mental picture of our responsibilities as wives. The social changes brought about by the women's movement have been significant, but they have created a wake of grassroots confusion. In the midst of our twentieth-century experience, God's design for husbands and wives still stands. And I believe that one clear scriptural part of a wife's role is completing what is lacking in her husband. In the words of Genesis, this involves being a helper that is "suitable" for him. Or, as the King James Version says, a help that is "meet" ("fit") for him. We are to complement or complete our husbands.
I love the story told about Pete Flaherty, mayor of Pittsburgh, and his wife, Nancy. They were standing on the sidewalk, surveying a city construction project, when one of the laborers at the site called out to them. "Nancy, remember me?" he asked. "We used to date in high school."
Later, Pete teased her. "Aren't you glad you married me? Just think, if you had married him, you would be the wife of a construction worker."
Nancy looked at him and said, "No, if I'd married him, he would be the mayor of Pittsburgh!"
God has designed women to help their husbands become all that God intends for them to be. As I fulfill my God-given purpose as helpmate to my husband, it helps build oneness between us. If I don't, it means tension, troubles and eventually, isolation.
Prayer: Ask God to weld you and your husband into partners who realistically understand one another's needs and gifts.
Discuss: In what ways do you feel your husband needs you? Share 5 to 10 ways if you can.
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Opposites Attract - Then Repel
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Posted:Mar 5, 2010 8:24 am
Last Updated:Mar 22, 2010 2:53 pm 3785 Views
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Opposites Attract - Then Repel Proverbs 12:18
There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Quibbles. Quarrels. Squabbles. Conflicts in the home are as normal as breathing. Our aim shouldn't be to avoid conflict, but to handle it wisely. One reason people have conflict in marriage is that opposites attract. It's strange, but that is probably part of the reason why you married who you did. Your mate added variety, spice and difference to your life. But after being married for a while (sometimes a short while), the attractions become repellents.
A typical pairing is the peacemaker and the prizefighter. The peacemaker would rather hide than fight. The peacemaker says, "It's okay, let's forget it. It isn't worth the hassle." The prizefighter, meanwhile, says, "Let's put on the gloves and duke it out."
One husband came from a long line of prizefighters and grew up watching his whole family rolling up its sleeves and having spirited discussions. The beauty of it was that they could discuss issues, argue vehemently, and then hang up their gloves, hug and make up afterwards.
But his wife came from a long line of peacemakers who swept everything under the rug. They avoided confrontations like the plague. So what kind of a marriage did these two have? He was chasing her around trying to get her to put on the gloves, and she was searching for a place to hide.
Unfortunately, their landed between them, trying desperately to bring her parents together. It took years of counseling to help her come to terms with the internal conflict she felt.
There's a lot at stake in the way you and your mate handle your conflicts. It's not just the intimacy in your marriage that's on the line, but the lives of impressionable sons and daughters as well. The African proverb is chillingly true: "When the elephants fight, it's the grass that suffers."
Prayer: That the Prince of Peace will rule in your home.
Discuss: Are you aware of any opposite traits that attracted you and your mate to each other? Are the "prizefighter" and "peacemaker" (or other conflict management styles) apparent in your household?
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What's Growing in Your Garden? Part Two
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Posted:Mar 4, 2010 1:58 pm
Last Updated:Dec 9, 2025 12:31 am 3359 Views
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What's Growing in Your Garden? (Part Two) Deuteronomy 5:10
But showing lovingkindness to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.
I'll be honest with you: The thought of my sinning in the same areas that I sin has bolstered my obedience to God. I'm reminded of the piercing statement by C. H. Spurgeon, "Sin would have fewer takers if its consequences occurred immediately." Just think for a moment of the sins that could be visited upon your . What do you struggle with? Lust? Selfishness? Anger? Lack of discipline? Jealousy? Pride? How about deceit? Broken promises? A gossiping tongue?
The twenty-first century could be a scary time to be alive. I wonder how the sins of adultery, divorce and addictions will affect future generations?
So what are we to do? Wallow in guilt because we are far from perfect? Are we enslaved to our ancestors' wrong choices and, thus, permanently under the punishment of God?
No, we can stop the chain reaction by our repentance and confession. God in His grace stands ready to forgive us and grant us favor. You can, by faith, stop even the most tyrannical control of a sin that has beset your family for generations.
The good news is that God also gives us a wonderful promise: Your righteousness can still be influencing others a thousand generations from now. That's encouraging!
One of our FamilyLife staff members is committed to breaking the chains from his past. When speaking to individuals considering vocational Christian ministry, he always says, "I grew up in a broken home and I don't want to end up like my father. He lived his life for himself, and at his funeral there were only 10 people in attendance. I want a packed funeral-full of people my life has impacted. I want to leave a heritage that would outlast me."
Prayer: Ask God to protect your life, marriage and family from sin. Ask Him to enable you to leave a legacy of righteousness to a thousand generations.
Discuss: What type of faith would you like your and grandchildren to have?
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