The Importance of Expressing Love
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Posted:Oct 8, 2009 11:56 am
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2025 4:57 pm 1925 Views
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The Importance of Expressing Love 1 Corinthians 13:4,5
Love... does not seek its own.
I'll never forget at the end of a FamilyLife Marriage Conference in Washington, D.C., when a couple came up who had been married 31 years. I knew of this couple because of a friend who had encouraged them to attend. He had told me how much of a drought had surrounded their marriage in terms of true intimacy and sharing with one another.As this man came up, I was curious to hear what he had gained from the weekend. So I asked, "What's the most important thing you've received from this conference?" I'll always remember his answer.
He said, "Dennis, I realized that I need to tell my wife I love her." He added, "I told her I loved her 31 years ago, and I haven't told her since."
I looked over his shoulder at his wife. She was seated on the edge of the platform and tears were streaming down her face. Tears of joy that she had heard the words, but undoubtedly tears of sadness, too, for those years of pain from a man who was thinking of himself more than his mate.
Far too many men have trouble expressing their most intimate feelings-being open and verbal is hard work. But because we are called to meet our wives' needs, we really don't have any option.
Many times all I need is a reminder that Barbara needs to know that I love her. How about thinking of a creative way to reaffirm your commitment by expressing your love-either verbally or in writing?
One year I gave Barbara a coupon book filled with 31 ways that said how I love her. And they were things she could cash in on. Each was a tangible statement telling her I cared for her and loved her. She still has that coupon book. In fact, it was really an ingenious idea because she doesn't want to tear the coupons out and cash them in!
Prayer:
Ask God to show you five ways you can communicate love to your spouse so that he or she feels loved.
Discuss: What tangible way will you say "I love you" to your mate today?
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The Risk of Responsibility
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Posted:Oct 7, 2009 9:10 am
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2025 4:57 pm 1870 Views
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The Risk of Responsibility 1 Thessalonians 5:14
And we urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with all men.
In his best-seller, The Third Wave, Alvin Toffler writes that much teenage rebellion today occurs because teenagers no longer feel needed by the family unit nor economically productive during the prolonged adolescent years. need to be given jobs to do in the home, partly because of their need to be needed.This can be difficult for perfectionistic parents. But, for example, if you want to train your to clean the kitchen, you've got to lower your expectations of what a clean kitchen looks like-at least initially. If you want to teach your to help with the laundry, you've got to expect clumsy folding jobs. And if you dare to help your learn how to cook, be ready to put up with spills, splatters and splashes.
None of our is a "neat freak." Ashley, our oldest, is a pack rat. She wants a souvenir from every exciting moment of her life. Benjamin is the champion of expediency. He wants to put off his cleaning chores because "If I vacuum now, it'll be dirty again by tonight." (Unfortunately, he's right.) Deborah is our resident artist. She starts picking up the playroom, but before long she's decorating the room-or herself.
Yet we want our to come to maturity. If we expect them to learn dependability, we have to depend on them. If we want our to learn responsibility, we have to risk this gap between our expectations and their performances.
Prayer:
For the courage to risk allowing your to be , as well as for their continued growth toward maturity and increasing dependability.
Discuss: How does your family divide household chores? Do any of your complain that their part is unfair? What jobs do you sometimes think you had rather do yourself than risk doing them inadequately?
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Spinning Plate, Broken People
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Posted:Oct 6, 2009 11:55 am
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2025 4:57 pm 1831 Views
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Spinning Plates, Broken People Psalm 127:1
Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.
Do you remember the man who spun the plates on the "Ed Sullivan Show" years ago? I've never forgotten him. He would start at one end of a long table, place a stick perpendicular to the table, then spin a plate on the stick. Working on down the table, he would place other plates and set them to spinning on their own sticks. As the first plate began to wobble, the man would rush back and expertly spin it again as the audience breathed a sigh of relief.
On he would go...seven, eight, nine plates. By this time, plates two, three and four were now beginning to wobble. But just before you knew everything would come crashing down, he would quickly scoop up all of the plates in his professional hands and bow to the applause of the audience.
Similarly, the roles we assume in life as husband, wife, father, mother, businessman, civic leader, church leader, Sunday School teacher...all represent different plates in our lives. We begin spinning them early in our married lives, with plate number one being our marriages. Through the years we add other plates-career, , church responsibilities-and our efforts to focus become more difficult.
The real problems come when we begin to make wrong choices. We mistakenly choose to meet more material "needs" by applying our efforts primarily to our work. This isn't about keeping our families from starving, but more about status, significance and the accumulation of "more."
The result is that our focus is lost. We add even more plates. Important plates begin to wobble-even fall and shatter. Like my friend Robert Lewis says, " don't bounce-they break."
How are your essential plates spinning? Any wobbling? Are you giving your energy to the right "ones" according to God's value system?
Prayer:
Ask God to show you any plates that are getting too much of your energy, being neglected or need a spin.
Discuss: What are the different plates that you spin? How do they affect your family time? How would your family benefit if you dropped some?
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I Believe in You
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Posted:Oct 5, 2009 8:10 am
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2025 4:57 pm 1832 Views
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"I Believe in You!" 1 Corinthians 13:4,7
Love... believes all things.
What's the one thing every needs as he or she navigates adolescence? What is needed by every young mother as she assumes a responsibility she's never had before-being a mom? By every athlete to achieve his or her ultimate performance? By every husband to become the man God made him to be?To be believed in.
All of us need someone to express positive expectancy about our lives.
Two boyhood friends, Johnny and Marty, loved baseball and each other so much that they made a pact to play together always-regardless of what happened. As time went on, Johnny became a baseball star, and his coach called him aside and told him about the upcoming tryouts for the minor leagues. Johnny said, "That's great. Marty and I will sign up right away."
But the coach responded, "Don't worry about Marty. He's just an ugly duckling-too skinny, too slow, can't field and can't hit."
But Johnny's response was, "I know he can make it if he has a chance. He's got determination. He can learn to field and hit."
Sure enough, training camp resulted in a contract for Johnny-but Marty was cut. Johnny, however, wouldn't sign without Marty, so the club gave in and awarded both a contract.
Motivated by his friend's actions, Marty slowly began to improve. During their third year in the minor leagues Johnny washed out and quit. Marty became the rising star. Eventually he was called up to the majors for the St. Louis Cardinals as a shortstop. He played in four World Series and seven All-Star games, and in 1944 was named Most Valuable Player in the National League.
Years earlier Marty's mom had asked Johnny, "Why are you so determined to keep this pact?"
Johnny replied, "Belief is a kind of love. I believe in Marty. We're friends. Believing in someone is the best kind of love."
Prayer:
That as a parent you will be able to inspire every member of your household by expressing positive expectations.
Discuss: What communicates affirmative belief to you? In what one area would it most encourage you if someone believed in you more? List an area in which you can show positive belief in your mate and in your .
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A Woman's Emotion Part Two
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Posted:Oct 2, 2009 1:51 pm
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2025 4:57 pm 1841 Views
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A Woman's Emotions (Part Two) 1 Peter 3
You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way.
There is this maddening part of being a man. When Barbara comes to me with a problem, my mind immediately shifts into a "fix it" mode. I wanted to solve the problem, you know, get to the bottom line! But often, the most important thing our wives need is to know we hear them and we care.The other day Barbara came to me discouraged because our lives had been incredibly busy, and she hadn't been at home as much as she wanted. She was so busy going to ministry, church, school activities and driving to different functions that she hadn't been able to clean the house.
And guess how I handled it? First I took it personally. I said, "Well, I help around the house a lot." But she wasn't accusing me of not helping-she was just sharing a burden she felt.
Then, typically, I came up with a solution. That night, I declared, the entire family would participate in a "Clean Up the House" campaign. And once again I missed the real issue-how she felt. It took a few moments for me to understand that what she needed was for me to just listen and understand her.
So I dug myself out of the hole I'd fallen into and told Barbara I was sorry I had missed her clues, that I didn't hear what she needed. I began to move toward her with the understanding and compassion she needed in the first place.
Want some advice? When your wife approaches you with a problem, repeat back to her what you think she said and ask her to confirm it. For example, I could have said to Barbara, "It sounds to me like you're discouraged because you feel like you've been busy. And the and I have allowed the house to get to where it looks like a small volcano has gone off. Is that right?"
Believe it or not, men, often that's all a wife needs-an understanding husband. Resist the urge to fix it immediately.
Prayer:
That God will give you the ability to live with your wife in an "understanding way." Ask Him to help you communicate this to your wife.
Discuss: Ask your wife if this is what she generally needs in the above situation.
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A Woman's Emotions Part One
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Posted:Oct 1, 2009 11:52 am
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2025 4:57 pm 1814 Views
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A Woman's Emotions (Part One) by Barbara Rainey Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)
Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.
We know we are created in the image of God, but many don't realize our emotions are a part of God's image imprinted within us. Women need to grow in their understanding of their emotions. And this isn't easy, because many women aren't prepared to handle the different emotions they feel at different stages of their lives.As a woman experiences various emotions, she needs to feel loved and accepted so she can face these times positively. This is not only critical for her emotional health, but also for impacting her with positive emotional identities so they will grow up to be mature adults. These emotions are a part of the image of God, and we should grow and mature when we experience them.
When we got married, Dennis and I were completely caught off guard by my emotions as we moved into a marriage relationship. I remember the first time I was angry with Dennis. I had never felt angry with him the entire time we dated, during our engagement or in the early days of our marriage. I honestly didn't know what to do about my anger.
I remember thinking, What do I do? Where do I go? Dennis was pursuing me to solve our conflict, and I was so confused that I went into the bathroom, shut the door and thought, I can't get out of here. I'm stuck. My emotions were telling me something was very wrong in this relationship.
I held the future of my marriage and my family in my hands. I decided my relationship, which was a covenant I'd made to God, was too important not to work it out. So after stewing for awhile, I got up out of that bathroom and Dennis and I, after some real communication, resolved the problem.
Dennis and I have found that God designed marriage as a covenant relationship where a man and woman can work through their emotions and glorify God in the process.
Prayer:
Ask the Holy Spirit to fill you, guide you and direct you in how you are to handle your emotions in your marriage and family relationships.
Discuss: How are you in controlling your emotions when it comes to dealing with your mate or your ?
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Priming the Positive Pump
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Posted:Sep 30, 2009 10:15 am
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2025 4:57 pm 1842 Views
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Priming the Positive Pump Philippians 1:2,3 (NIV)
Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. I thank my God every time I remember you.
I wonder how many of us thank God every time we remember our parents? Almost everyone has negative memories of their childhoods. But there seems to be an epidemic of parent blaming these days, and I want to suggest a way to balance this with positive memories of your home.In case it's hard to get these positive thoughts flowing, here are some pump primers. (You might want to answer several of these on a date with your spouse.) Where did your parents take you on vacation, and what did you do? What did you enjoy doing with your dad most? Your mom? What smells today remind you of Dad and Mom? What was your favorite room in your house? What was your favorite family tradition? What were the family jokes? What special phrases or nicknames did your family invent? What was your favorite Christmas? Your favorite birthday? What problems did your parents help you through as a ? What did other people think about your parents? What values from your childhood home are you trying to pass along to your ?
As you think about these questions, thank God for the positive memories and the power they have to give your own home strength and stability. You may want to write some of your thoughts down and, if possible, send them in a letter-or perhaps a more formal tribute-to your parents. It's a practical and tangible way to let them know you wish them "grace and peace."
Prayer:
That you will be able to extract the strongest positive memories from your childhood home and implant them into your own family life.
Discuss: Spend some time answering the above questions.
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No Pruning, No Fruit
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Posted:Sep 29, 2009 1:23 pm
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2025 4:57 pm 1947 Views
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No Pruning, No Fruit Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Do you really believe God works for good in all things?Being able to make that statement begins with acknowledging that God knows what He is doing. He is not only all-powerful, or sovereign, but also all-knowing. Even when pain and tragedy strike, we can trust God to know what is best for our good.
The problem is we don't know His plan. We would like to know the reason for our trials, but God doesn't always reveal it to us. We wonder how He could possibly cause this or that problem to work for good.
But through Scripture and the natural order, God gives us a hint that it can happen, even when we can't see how. Jesus said:
I AM the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it, that it may bear more fruit (John 15:1,2).
During the last several years, our own family has endured several such prunings. Barbara has weathered major heart surgery, the removal of a benign lump in her breast, five debilitating sinus infections, sinus surgery and Lyme's disease. And I have previously told of our Samuel's bout with muscular dystrophy.
I don't know about you, but sometimes I grow a little weary from so many snips from pruning shears in my life.
But I really love the fruit bearing. While I wish it could happen without the pruning, life just doesn't work that way. Our family has experienced growth from the pruning. It has enriched my ministry to other families who hurt.
Scientists don't fully understand the pruning/fruit-bearing connection in the plant world. Why should I insist on understanding it in human lives? It's more important to bear fruit than to understand the pruning process.
Prayer:
For the faith to believe that God can enable you to become "more than conquerors" over any hardship or tragedy in your life.
Discuss: How has God pruned you in the past in order to make you bear more fruit?
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As the Years Go By
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Posted:Sep 28, 2009 9:15 am
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2025 4:57 pm 1745 Views
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As the Years Go By 1 John 4:19
We love, because He first loved us.
I have never hesitated to tell Barbara I love her. But I remember one time when I was especially surprised by her reply.We had been married a number of years, and perhaps on that day she wanted actions to back up my words. Because she said, "Well, I know you love me. But you're supposed to. You're my husband."
At the time, I was puzzled. But she went on to explain that many things test commitment in marriage-and perhaps nothing tests it more than the passage of years. As we mature and go through various seasons of our lives, it's easy to begin wondering if your husband is really just going through the motions by declaring love for you.
Barbara concluded by saying, "When you first marry, you declare your commitment and trust to a person you hardly know."
Isn't that amazing? You think you know all about this new life partner, but in reality you probably just see the tip of the iceberg.
As years go by, you see each other in a variety of situations. You see the achievements and the failures. You raise a family, you experience ups and downs in your career, and you struggle through problems with relatives. You develop godly disciplines and, perhaps at the same time, some bad habits. You encounter health problems; you gain weight; your hair turns gray.
And through all that, as your mate grows to know you more than any other person on earth (and vice versa), it's easy to begin thinking, I know you say you're committed to me, but are you glad you are committed to me? Would you do this again? You say you love me, but do you really?
Many marriages fail because both partners lose their commitment and trust over the years. No matter what struggles you work through, no matter how many heated discussions you have until 2:00 A.M., each of you should know without a shadow of doubt that you have no escape clause in your marriage vows.
And in the end, your commitment needs to be based on one thing-your faith in the God who brought you together. That bedrock should be like a granite foundation-rock solid and immovable.
Prayer:
That God would deepen your relationship with Him and, therefore, deepen your commitment to each other.
Discuss: What has tested your marriage commitment over the years?
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Pleasing Your Mate (Part Two)
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Posted:Sep 25, 2009 9:12 am
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2025 4:57 pm 2355 Views
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Pleasing Your Mate (Part Two) by Barbara Rainey Psalm 90:12
So teach us to number our days.
One of the greatest forms of sacrifice you can make to please your mate is to give your time. You can make more money, and you can buy more flowers, but you can't make or buy more time. Each day is made up of 24 hours-nothing will change that.We're all short of time. Psalm 90:12 admonishes us to "number our days." How many days do you have left? How will you use them?
I have always had an interest in art, and I enjoy looking at paintings in art galleries and museums. When we married, Dennis thought art museums were great places in which to get bored quickly. But to please me, he has spent time with me to visit quite a few museums.
In contrast, although Dennis has always loved fishing, I had no appreciation for the sport when we married. I tended to agree with the person who said, "A fisherman is a jerk on one end of a line waiting for a jerk on the other end."
But to please Dennis, I did a lot of fishing during the early years of our marriage. Later, when our expanding population of made it impossible for me to go with him, I encouraged him to go alone or with other men, and later, as our grew up, to take them along.
In the process of pleasing one another, we have become richer. Our horizons have expanded. I have learned that there is skill, patience, perseverance and reward in fishing. I no longer consider it to be a waste of time. Fishing has become important to me because it's part of what makes Dennis who he is. We have great vacation memories of fishing at night while our were asleep.
To give of your time requires the greatest sacrifice. Take time for a quiet walk or a scenic drive. Above all else, simply take time for each other. If blood is the gift of life, then time is the gift of love.
Prayer:
That you will build your marriage around Jesus Christ and that you will develop some common interests that both of you can enjoy.
Discuss: What arrangements can you make to spend more time together during the next week? Each of you share one thing that you like to do that would give you some time together.
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