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god's servant's blog

this used to be god's garage

forgive me sweet jesus
Posted:Oct 1, 2013 1:31 pm
Last Updated:Oct 10, 2013 10:18 am
i ain't going quietly when its time for me to die.
i'll get all up in death's face and spit right in his eye.

and i'll laugh and laugh when he says what's come to pass,
i'll break his staff in half and shove that reaper up his asp.

and i'll just run and hide in that land between death and life,
i know my way around real good, i hang there all the time.

i maybe haunt a couple of bars, just like i do now,
and go hide in the welfare line, they don't see us anyhow.

forgive me sweet jesus, and fork yourself satan,
i can still get it up, hell, i'm still masturbatin'

as long as there's one single thought in this head,
that thought will be 'i will not be dead.'
hasta la vista charlie
Posted:Sep 30, 2013 2:32 am
Last Updated:Oct 18, 2013 9:34 am
i just got back from the airport. i have successfully jettisoned the unwanted baggage and am alone again.

yay! alone again. why is it either lonely or with company i would rather strangle than embrace?

i have been hanging around with this girl lately, just as freinds. not being romantically involved allows me to see all her foiables and snares for what they are without being all tangled up in them.

i have to wonder, am i the only perfect human on this planet?
36 hours and counting
Posted:Sep 28, 2013 12:24 pm
Last Updated:Oct 1, 2013 7:59 am
i am taking charlie my ex roomie to ohare airport at 3:00 forking AM on monday morning. i am just going to drop him off and run home and change the locks.

i bought him the ticket, i even paid for his dog. the only thing he had to do was get a carrier, which he hasn't done yet. if there is a way to mess it up, charlie will mess it up.

i don't care. as of 5:56 fricking AM monday, when that plane takes off to NY, he is officially no longer my problem. if he doesn't get on it, he can't come back here to live.

i have been treating him good this last week. i made lamburgers on the grill for lunch and i have two choice steaks on the last of the charcoals now. he spent all of his food stamps and has been going hungry lately. i am good with my food stamps and i also work at a homeless shelter and get a lot of expired food.

i am going to give him a good last supper tonite and the bum's rush tomorrow night. god bless charlie and mobie. this is charlie in front of the church in the picture
though i walk thru the valley of the shadow of graduate school....
Posted:Sep 26, 2013 9:49 am
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2013 12:16 pm
i have a lunch date with the acedemic deah of the school today. they are bending a little bit on thier demands and i am TOTALLY prepared to kiss butt.

i don't really need the diploma, i think i built the foundation that i needed to build to run this church. however, i worked really hard for it and i want it. it damm near killt me
1 comment
and the you rode in on...
Posted:Sep 23, 2013 4:32 pm
Last Updated:Sep 24, 2013 3:44 pm
ok. it is official. i just bought a ONE WAY ticket for charlie and his dog (moby). he owes me $100 for moby, but i couldn't seperate them...and i didn't want to take the dog. i want a big mean looking and moby is an albino chihuahua

he still has to get rid of chin chin (his chinchilla), and paint over all the spray paint he put on my walls. he went today and got a state ID, it is the first time he has had an official identity in like 10 years. he has been WAY off the grid.

in alcoholic anonymous they call this the geographic fix, and it doesn't work. you can't move away from your problems, they come with you. at least he will be with his family, but i don't see his issues clearing up in new york either. when people really don't want to work to pay thier bills and make thier life, they just don't.

i see it all the time. there are people living under the LSD bridge in uptown by my church. there are people living in the alley here, i just finally got rid of the guy living in the van next door. most of the people at the shelter i volunteer for are able bodied, they just don't work.

it isn't my place to judge, or to worry about it. i gave charlie more than a few chances to make a life here and he just didn't. you can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves.
sorry charlie
Posted:Sep 21, 2013 9:27 pm
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2013 12:59 pm
i have been being like overly good to my soon to be ex roomie charlie the last few days. i figure instead of remembering the tense stuff, why not just be pleasant for the rest of the month?

it has been authentic too, most real problem is that he doesn't do what he needs to do to take care of himself. i tried to help him and i wanted to slap him at the same time.

but now it doesn't matter if he tries to get a job or cleans up after himself or remembers to lock doors. he is gone in less than two weeks and i can take everything on the other cheek. so it is good to be friends again, and go out as freinds.

he is his mother's problem next month and i am SO happy about that.
1 comment
happy feet
Posted:Sep 19, 2013 2:03 pm
Last Updated:Sep 25, 2013 1:40 pm
there was an ad on the free section at craig's today for foot massage. i am a craig'slist free section and i am getting free stuff from someone everyday. my scooter gets 85 mpg, so if i can get it home on the scooter, i don't care how far it is.

there are a lot of really great things there that people give away free. i have gotten toilettes (2), doors (20?), piping, lumber, wallpaper and much much more. i probably saved near $10G on putting this building back together.

anyways, back to the free foot massage. i sent an email saying 'sure, i'm up for that' and the guy called me. i asked him up front if he was gay, saying that i didn't care, i just din't want to be perved on. He said no, he was legitimate and a student of reflexology and had to give a certain amount of student foot massages to graduate.

so i go there, even though he is located in the gay part of town (we call it boy's town). It is a HUGE expensive apartment building and he has to come down to the lobby to get me. He is this short little korean guy in a hawiain print shirt and very very small and tight sweat shorts. he has earings in both ears. when he says hi he somehow says it with a lisp and offers me his hand as a woman might to be kissed. i tried to get my hand under the limp wrist and turn it into a hand shake. it didn't really work and was just awkward.

i follow him to the 16th floor to his drop dead gorgeous apartment overlooking the lake front. the interior decorating and furniture maticulously fabulous. he has me sit on a (reall nice) couch and take my shoes and socks off. i give him one of my feet and his whole face curls up into a ball as he recoils and demands that i wash my feet.

i bathe regularly, but i almost NEVER wear shoes or socks. i walk to the corner store barefoot and i only put shoes on when i go out out. my feet are always filthy. top that off, i have been learning to do stencils and spray paint and have a really cool piece on a wall in my basement that i have been working on (barefoot). a lot of the paint dust and over spray ends up on my feet.

anyways, he takes me into the bathroom and has me wash them in the shower. i rolled my pants up. the paint was NOT coming off and he looked horrified when it didn't come off. there was a lot of just grime too, and most of that came off. i told him about the spray paint and he said ok, but he still seemed unhappy.

we returned to the couch and he massaged my feet. i have never had a foot massage before and it felt really great. we made some small talk but the TV was on (soap operas) and mostly we were just quiet. it lasted about a half hour and my feet feel like i am young again. i thanked him and left without giving him a tip. hey, it was billed as FREE.

so, i have the same question with a different twist again today. Does letting a gay man rub my feet and enjoying it make me gay?
ex boyfriend blues
Posted:Sep 18, 2013 2:52 pm
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2013 1:31 pm
a friend of mine has been staying here for almost a year now, and i had to throw him out today. i won't go off into a rant, lets just say there has been WAY too much drama and i don't need that crap in my life.

i am buying him a plane ticket back to new york where he is from as both a peace offering and to get rid of him quick. i should be jumping up and down, this guy has only been paying me $200 a month (when he pays me) and has been a ROYAL pita. i don't need the money at all, and he has been a REALLY rotten person, so it is weird, i feel really bad that he is leaving.

i guess i have just gotten used to him being around. he lives in the basement and we don't live together in the same space...but him and his moby are always around and it has been sort of like a family. a highly dysfuncional family, but still.

i feel like i just broke up with a woman. i am miserable. does this mean i have gay tendancies?
1 comment
no hell
Posted:Sep 11, 2013 3:40 pm
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2013 2:13 pm
one of the research projects i got to do in seminary was to try to track down the origin of the origin of satan story, and exactly how (or in this case) how not, the bible threatens us with eternal torment.

i know all y'all are going to want to fight over this again, and i could care less. these are just the facts as i found them. ma'am.

the word hell occurs in most english translations an average of around 17 times. different translations may slip in, or remove, an extra instance or so. i tracked down EVERY word that gets translated as hell in the original greek manuscripts. NONE of them are acutally hell.

most of them are the word gehenna (γέεννα), which if anything is a metaphor for total obliteration. gehenna (the valley of hinnon) was acursed because of past religious practices there and it became the garbage dump for jerusalem. the dump was always on fire, which welcomed allusions to hell fire.

The very invention of eternal torment and fire and brimstone, really didn't surface until the 4th Century in germany. jesus and the authors of the new testament would never have heard of what we commonly threaten sinners with.

the other instances of the word hell in english are either hades, (not hell at all, and older), and sheol (again, not at all hell and older). The only translation that i found translating sheol as hell was the KJV. The KJV is some people's only choice.

Death is the consequence of sin, rather than the punishment. In the old covenant of Judaism, sin caused the need for death through offered sacrifices and the life of humans became a limited existence ending in death rather than the immortality we were originally given. When Christ sacrificed his life for all on the cross this old covenant ended, and the new began. Christ conceded his perfect life as God’s offering and his blood covers all sin. The gift of God’s grace through Jesus Christ satisfied the consequence of sin and offers life to all that would receive it.
1 comment
hell no
Posted:Sep 10, 2013 1:12 pm
Last Updated:Sep 11, 2013 3:27 pm
things have kind of gone slightly awry with my seminary education. i completed all but 1/2 credit hours of my required classes. it was an independant study on songwriting (yeah) and we were supposed to finish over the summer, but the professor ran out of time and had to leave town for a while. so i am asking the university to cut me some slack and give me the full credit.

however, there is a matter also of additinal internship they want me to serve. i have served a bunch of internship and feild ed stuff, but they still want more. i am working here at gods garage, and i still volunteer at my church's shelter every week and i really don't need to play house like that. this is a program meant to introduce younger people to service in the lord. it doesn't make sense to keep making me do it, so i have said "no thanks."

they haven't told me yet what their decision will be, but i figure i don't care. the main reason i came to seminary was because i prayed about what i wanted to do, and god told me i had no foundation. now i have the foundation. it would be nice to get the accredidation too, but kay sarah

it has been 4 long years and it is really great to have it completely off my plate. i don't really need the degree. i had a lot of health problems, some due to the stress of school, and i got on disability. so i don't have to worry about looking for a job or anything. and god's garage is mine free and clear so i don't need any kind of accrediation to run it. i can still say that i finished seminary, and that is good enough.

i keep telling myself i am making a mountain out of a mole, but the truth is that i REALLY need to walk away from this. at least for a while. it has been my WHOLE life for the last 4 years. EVERYTHING else has taken a back seat, including and especially me. i have not dated for 4 years, gone out partying for a few nights, bought myself anything expensive, or MANY other things i need to be doing for me. PLUS, i need to be investing all the time and energy i was putting into school into this church. We have been open for a solid year and i have not really been pushing it the way i want to.

i think it is ok if i sit it out. i think eventually they will give me my degree. i don't really care if they ordain me. in fact, i am thinking it might be better to not be ordained. there are a lot of things about the denom that runs my seminary that i don't really agree with. if i am officially "in," i will have to deal with it. right now, NOBODY tells me what to do except god.

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