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How do we Forgive Ourselves? It is often easier to forgive others who have hurt us than to forgive ourselves for the wrongs we have done. In some ways this may be a good thing, because if forgiving ourselves were easy we might not take responsibility for our wrongs and not learn from our mistakes. For many of us, forgiving ourselves is not easy and we can get bogged down disliking or even hating ourselves. The Apostle John tells us, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” {1 John 1 vr. 9} During the process of identifying, confessing and asking forgiveness, God forgives us for the sins we confess. When we do not forgive ourselves, we are placing ourselves in a position of usurping the judgment of God. So it is important that we learn to forgive ourselves. We usually think of forgiving as an action involving two or more people. Forgiving ourselves is more like playing solo tennis. To some it does not even make any sense. We are constantly playing the role of actor and acted upon. We congratulate ourselves. We blame ourselves. We even lie to ourselves. Some people have told me that the bad things others have said about them are nothing in comparison to their own negative self-talk about themselves. And our negative self-talk can become a self‒fulfilling prophecy. We need to remember to forgive ourselves for what we did and not for what we are. Doing the wrong thing is not the same as being wrong. We do not forgive ourselves for being bad people, failing, the way we look, etc.. These kinds of self-judgment are acceptance issues and not forgiveness issues {acceptance and forgiveness issues both need to be dealt with for us to become more emotionally healthy}. We do not need to forgive ourselves for not living up to our parent’s expectations, only those things we hold ourselves responsible for doing and often feel shame about. We forgive ourselves for what we do and we accept ourselves for what we are. So what are some principles we can adopt to help us to forgive ourselves? Forgiving ourselves for all the wrongs we have done is like trying to eliminate a bunch of mosquitoes swarming around us with one swing of a fly swatter. We have to go after the mosquitoes one at a time and eliminate them one at a time. It is the same way when we forgive ourselves. We need to identify the things we have done that have wronged others, those things we feel ashamed of having done. Write them down in specific terms. What, when and where you did it, etc. After identifying those wrongs you then confess each of them individually to God, asking Him for forgiveness and to cleanse you from these sins. You might formulate a prayer similar to what David prayed in Psalm 51: “Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your loving kindness; According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity And cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, And my sin is ever before me. Against You, You only, I have sinned And done what is evil in Your sight, So that You are justified when You speak And blameless when You judge…Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit.” Say this prayer out loud. You might even look in a mirror as you say your prayer. Take a moment and wait upon the LORD and then say something out loud to yourself like, “God has forgiven me of this wrong, I accept His forgiveness, and I forgive myself of this wrong. He has cleansed me of this sin and restored me.” Remember doing this, and accept the fact that God has forgiven you because the Apostle John has told us when we confess our sins, God forgives our sins and cleanses us from all unrighteousness. You may even want to journal this experience. There is no need to tell people that we have forgiven ourselves–especially people who may still feel they have been wronged by us. Telling them can make unforgiving people who feel wronged even more angry with us. It can also make people who have forgiven us angry–so keep it to yourself. If there is a time when you feel the Holy Spirit is directing you to use your experience of forgiving yourself as an example for others, then share this testimony with them. Sometimes shame will raise its ugly head again and we need to remind ourselves that God has forgiven us of this wrong, that we have accepted His forgiveness and forgiven ourselves of these wrongs. Practicing these principles helps us to become more emotionally whole and can bring healing into our lives. James tells us “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” {James 5:16} If this post ministered to you, please checkout A Sunset Provides an Illustration of UnForgiveness |
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10/26/2006 7:55 am |
irs simple...first you have to be able to comphrehend a just God forgiving us. Understand all sin was forgiven....then its easier. Why hold onto something if he doesnt?
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Now that is a huge message and one very difficult for many to grasp. Many sort of pretend that they have forgiven themselves without knowing it while still feeling the resentment still burning with themselves. In reality real forgiving, in fact, means never feeling the need to forgive. I believe it is more about releasing your own hurt sometimes to the Lord and not internalizing it. When someone concentrates on there own reactions to different life events or the act of the person that hurt us, the whole drama changes. I recall forgiving someone one time for an act that they did, I think it was cursing at me. Well, it hurt me and I reacted. I later told the person that I forgave them and they looked at me like I had lost my mind, but I felt better. You see? Holding on to hurt and anger only leads to more resentment and resentment is sin. Now the sin of my reaction needed forgiveness. What a domino effect, eh? Another way this can happen is when we allow our own expectations or actions to trip ourselves up. I mean literally setting ourselves up for failure when our desired higher expectations are not received. In the absence of such expectations, you will not have any reason to be angry with yourself and therefore no reason to forgive yourself. So the bottom line is in accepting yourself for who you are and allowing yourself to commit mistakes to learn from them. Often times we are our own worst critic. Born perfect; not anymore! Yet, we try to be...I believe that if we keep our noses clean before the Lord to the best of our abilities acknowledging what we learn as we go along, acting in a way that pleases Him, he is capable of taking care of what comes our way. Yes, we should forgive ourselves too for being so ridiculous. Excellent post and a real thought provoker! (¯`•♥•´¯) ¤`•.♥.•´ ¤ (¯`•♥•´¯)
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10/28/2006 10:42 pm |
Thank you . So many times other Christians say we are denying God's true power if our past pops up in our self talk-and emotions.That we don't have faith. That is so untrue. I appreciate this post because it is designed to help heal the human side we still have to own --until that glorious time. 
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