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Daddy Bill's (DUNDEAL) Rules For Dating Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're surely not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my 's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my , I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.' Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my . Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my : Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my , I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME _____________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ____________ HEIGHT ________ WEIGHT _________ IQ __________ GPA _________ SOCIAL SECURITY #______________ DRIVERS LICENSE #____________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________ ______ HOME ADDRESS_____________________________________________________ CITY/STATE ____________________________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: _______________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ Number of years they have been married _________________________________ If less than your age, explain: ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No C. A waterbed? __Yes __No D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No E. A tattoo? __Yes __No F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.) ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY ' mean to you? ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend ___________________________________________________ How often you attend ________________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your: father? ____________ mother? ___________ pastor? ____________ SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ____________________________________________________________________ B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ____________________________________________________________________ C: A woman's place is in the: ____________________________________________________________________ D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ____________________________________________________________________ E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ____________________________________________________________________ F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: ____________________________________________________________________ G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. __________________________________________________________________ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!) _______________________________ ________________________________ Mother's Signature Father's Signature _______________________________ ________________________________ Pastor/Priest/ Rabbi State Representative/Congressman Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back). In life we must learn how to love, live with it and learn to let go. |
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am i really that bad, hahahahahaha, mahal kita, cheers May the Lord bless you and keep you
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2/26/2008 8:31 am |
!!! LOL !!! Brings me back memories when I was a teenager, if & when I got to go out with friends (mind you) I had to take the train of my brother & sisters with me. Hahahaha!!! GBY........Rosie 
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Hi Jancintha this is really appropriate for all teenagers In life we must learn how to love, live with it and learn to let go.
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Hi Jean, well teenagers dont see the humor all they know is that the parents are to strict for this kind of rules hahahahaha In life we must learn how to love, live with it and learn to let go.
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am i really that bad, hahahahahaha, mahal kita, cheers In life we must learn how to love, live with it and learn to let go.
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!!! LOL !!! Brings me back memories when I was a teenager, if & when I got to go out with friends (mind you) I had to take the train of my brother & sisters with me. Hahahaha!!! GBY........Rosie In life we must learn how to love, live with it and learn to let go.
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I laughed so hard my stomach cramped. I clicked on your picture when it came up because I haven't been blogging much lately and recognized your name. How have you been? Great to "see" you.
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