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Can A Guy Try Too Hard? I met someone on this site. We saw each other a few times for some friendly conversation and I got to hang out with her adorable ! I tend to go into friendships and relationships full bore, full steam ahead. Is this bad? The feedback from my friend was that I was overwhelming her with information, emails, etc... All I really wanted was to let her know someone cares. I really like this woman a lot. I respect her, but I feel stupid now. I'm not sure what to say around her right now. She is going through some tough stuff, and doesn't seem to have closed the door to future possibilities, she jsut has a legitimate set of life circumstances she is dealing with that have kicked her in the head and she needs to deal with them. She is smart, kind and witty. We seem to get along well - but again - I jsut know no other way of relating than to give it my all. I think I upset her. Anyone have any thoughts? I sure could use some. I really like this woman, and would like to get to know her better. But I am afraid I am dumb as nails and blew it... Any thoughts or suggestions? Advice? I just feel pretty stupid right now and am kind of kicking myself right now. I don't know if she can read this or not. But I figured I would take a chance and get some feedback. I think she already knows I feel bad, and I would never want to distract her from dealing with the issues she needs to. |
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I hope you're a reader because I have a book that will give you some insight into reading what people need as opposed to giving them what your personality dictates. It is called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It's taught me so much about how to show the people we love and care about - the kind of love they need. I was given an example years ago.... Say you love chocolate cake - but you don't ask the person what they like - and the person you want to show love to likes coconut cream pie. But you, in all your exuberant desire to show them love give them piece after piece of chocolate cake.... you're giving them what you'd like - not what they need to feel loved. I was doing this - to my detriment. My advise - pray. Pray for wisdom and discernment for yourself. Pray that God's will be done - no matter what your desires may be. Full steam ahead is overwhelming, truly. She knows nothing about you except for the bombardment of information. And it sounds like she has so much on her plate that you're just muddying up her mind. She needs time and space to truly get to know you. I suppose, in your situation, I'd send her flowers and a card that said something along the lines of - "I think I got a bit ahead of myself. Let's take it as slow as you want. I think you're awesome and I'm extending my friendship to you. Please forgive me!" I pray God gives you the desires of your heart. And that God gives her the desires of her heart.
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12/29/2005 10:24 pm |
I would commit it to the Father.. He knows your heart. Make it a matter of prayer and see what HE has to say about the situation? Definately grant space. Apologize. Start over and be sensitive to her needs. Above all... pray, pray, pray... love covers a multitude of sins and nothing is beyond redemption. Pray especially for her that the Lord would carry her burden and grant her wisdom in dealing with whatever is going on... Be a prayer supporter for her right now more than anything else.. she needs the covering for sure.. and God will work it all together for good for you... self control is a gift of the Spirit... ask for it! God will answer you 
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What a compassionate and selfless thing to say that you would not want to distract her from working out her issues. I found the book "Lifeskills for Adult Children" when I was in my early 20's and that gave me a lot of growth when I combined what it explains about relationships and boundaries, it simply changed my life only second to the Bible and my close relationship with God. Buy her that book if you can, it is awesome.
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12/30/2005 7:47 am |
Savannah - So when she tells me she doesn't want my "feelings" to get in the way of a friendship what does that mean? I am a Software Engineer and I usually don't read between the lines. from a female perspective, is she saying she wants to get to know me just not now? Or is she saying get lost bub? It's just the logical side of me - sorry to be so dense. Ruttz - Hey babe! I see you found my blog. Groovy. I am giving her space, but how do you be a friend to someone who wants their space? She hasn't said she ISN'T interested, it's just that her focus is, "in other directions" right now as she says. Is giving her space being a good friend? I feel compelled to help her, but there is nothing I can do for her.
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12/30/2005 8:34 am |
i concur with the ladies above...God bless.
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12/30/2005 10:13 am |
My thoughts for you: I give you advice my brother now listen to your sister, kay? (1) There is nothing WRONG with you put the thoughts that "yopu messed up" or that "you were stupid" behind you God designed you EXACTLY the way you are for He NEEDS! you to be exactly who you are a huge bundle of compassion and love you are a wonderful, exhuberant(sp) lovely man (2) You are excited about this relationship AWESOME! no matter WHERE it goes, it shows your ability to LOVE don't DARE think it's BAD it's not (3) If she isn't ready at this exact moment to have "more," honor that I mean it and I say THAT in love for it would be wrong to press THAT SAID, be her friend, but only if you're able to be in a friendship relationship knowing there may NEVER be more if you can handle THAT thought, then be there for her pray for her and WITH her show her your friendship skills show her your fruits of the Spirit my brother IF she feels she can TRUST you as her friend it will allow her the freedom to decide and that freedom, my brother is a beautiful beautiful thing for a woman and men hardly EVER are comfortable enough to allow for this fruit of trust now my warning: She may not be available or! depending on WHAT she's going through, she may not be ready for a while and please, please pray about this and see if it rings true she may not be in the right place HERSELF with her Savior she may be on a path that God is taking her on, to bring HER closer to HIM What can you do for her? (1) Pray for her daily (2) Pray for her WHENEVER you think of her (3) Ask her what she wants from YOU (4) Give her NO MORE than what she is willing to accept from you and let the rest ALL THE REST of that energy go to be used by God in well, wherever else He wants it it may well be that you have so much love to give that He is preparing YOU TO GIVE MORE much more You have an analytical mind and are very concrete yes? God is infinite, where you are finite and HIS possibilities for you are UNIMAGINABLE by your mind or mine Meditate on God's Word dive back into Romans and John my brother PREPARE for God to use you so He CAN use you when needed and I don't want YOU to allow those self depreciating thoughts again they are NOT from our God, my brother but the one that desires to ALWAYS destroy walk in love, my brother and love is a verb..
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12/30/2005 10:36 am |
You could somehow let her know you are there for her when she needs an ear, a friend, a shoulder....also, you could say "is there anything I can do to help"? and leave it at that. I dunno.
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12/31/2005 12:47 am |
Thank you to everyone who has given me some fresh perspective on the questions I posed. I really appreciate everyone's input. Ok, now for the sappy part I suppose. I often write poetry to express how I feel about life's events. When I was about to write one about my recent experiences, I found this poem on the internet by a different author. It got me thinking: "Is this perhaps some of how she feels?" "Is this how a LOT of women feel today?" What do you think? Maybe she is asking these questions and I don't know it. Plus, if you substitute some words, this poem could be my thoughts toward her after my divorce. Who knows... Could You Be The One For Me? by LoveBug Could you be the one for me? Could you be my find? Could it be, after all this time, Fate is going to be kind? Could you be the one for me, The one to help me forget The man that broke my heart, my soul The man that haunts me yet? You tell me that I'm beautiful Something I've never heard But the one still lives here in my mind That couldn't spare a kind word It's going to be hard to forget And pick up the pieces he left Could you be the one to teach How to love again and forget? Could you be the one to come And mend my broken heart? Are you willing to piece together What another broke apart? It won't be an easy job, you see My road has been long and rough And the heart that was once so soft Is now shut, locked, and tough But I can feel my heart open again It's opening for you Just come in, and love me back That's all you have to do I must ask you one small thing Before we kiss and part Please be nice and kind to me I'm tired of broken hearts
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Sigh. She doesn't want you to let your feelings get in the way of friendship. What does that mean... I grin and think of a book I heard about called "He's just not that into you" or something of the sort. It's how a woman can tell if a man likes/loves her or not. For instance, you always call him but he never calls you - conclusion - he's just not that into you...stop calling him. Ok, it's a known fact that men and women are wired differently. I dare not pretend to have figured you men out any more than you (en mass) have figured us women out. I just finished a book called "Wild at Heart" by John Ethridge regarding how God designed men and why they think the way they do. I learned a lot... that doesn't make me feel any more equipped but I did learn why we think so differently. To throw it out there - if she's telling you she doesn't want YOUR feelings to get in the way of a friendship this is what I gather: 1. You have already confessed deeper feelings towards her than she is ready or capable of dealing with emotionally at this time. 2. She's not thinking about you like you're thinking about her. 3. She's trying to not lead you on. I think that is a fair thing (fair to You) for her to say - I don't want you to be for me what YOU want to be for me at this point in our relationship. 4. She's just not that into you - to borrow a phrase. Anchor, it doesn't sound like she's a lost cause - only that the timing is not right for her to be emotionally available to develop a relationship other than an arms-length friendship. If you think she's the one for you - backing off until she's ready won't be easy but it will be necessary. Whatever the case may be...remember this - just because she doesn't see you as "the one" doesn't say a thing about YOU....only where she is at and her value system. God made you the way you are. Yes, he is always learning us and growing us, but our basic personality is that way for a reason. Temperance on a full steam ahead personality is a difficult task but it sounds like it is necessary in this situation. I have a question for you... If this woman was to - in the end - only end up being your friend...would you be disappointed? If the end result is not what you want - would you walk the road anyway? Just think about the questions to help you determine your motivation and clarify what YOU want.
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