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SweetSmiles36 55F
4 posts
11/19/2005 8:52 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:29 pm

Freedom and Deliverance That Only God Can Bring!

Depression, Despair, Self-Hatred, Fear...
This discribes how I lived most of my days until 10 years ago.

I saw nothing good, everything was dark, dreary and gray. I was unpleasant to be around. I despised and hated myself. I saw nothing positive about my past or my future. My life was meaningless and without value. I was the only Spirit-filled suicidal Christian that I knew. I often wondered how I could be suicidal for more than 10 years and only attempt suicide 1 time. (God's Grace!) People would try to help me but anything that they said I either didn't believe, wouldn't receive or thought they had selfish reasons for wanting to help me. I was bitter, angry and fearful. How could God let me go on day after day living a life that I didn't want to live? I use to go to church and lay on the alter and cry while begging God to take my life from me. That was the only place I felt I could cry. I thought if I cried anywhere else I would never quit crying.

I prayed, I read His Word, I sought council, tried medications, tried so many things. I desired God's love, forgiveness, mercy, joy, help, friendship, peace. I wanted it more than I wanted anything. (The Holy Spirit later revealed to me that I wanted His blessings more than I wanted God the giver of all things.)

A year before God delivered me and set me free of my bondage. Suicide claimed the life of my brother. At first I thought I would never struggle with those thoughts again. Because when he died I realized that it took a strong person to live in this world as compared to me thinking I was a weak person for not committing suicide. I learned after my brothers death that I was stronger than I thought. But that only last a couple of months and then I spiraled out of control. I didn't want to exist. I was numb. Despondent. Lethargic. But more so than ever before.

My parents got me into Chrisitan Counseling. It helped but I wasn't cured or delivered. He (the counselor) told me -- that what I wanted mattered, That it was my choice on how I wanted to feel, that people were caring, and loved me, that I was a good person. Of course the only thing I left believing was "what I wanted mattered". I had counseling for 6 months and I stopped because it was getting too difficult as far as transportation and everything. I stopped smoking during this time just because I wanted my family not to worry about me. I wanted them think I was okay.

I was going to kill myself on my 26th birthday. I had it all planned out. I was going to do it on my birthday because I rationalized that since my mom mourns for my brother on his birthday and the day of his death; I would just give her one day to mourn. But something happened...3 months before my 26th birthday--I couldn't go on! I had enough of living and I wanted out! I had convinced myself that for my moms sake I had to wait for my birthday so I starting pleading with God to help me not to kill myself for 3 more months, which seemed like an eternity. I was in the bathroom crying in front of the mirror. While I was standing there pleading with God to help me last 3 months...He spoke to my heart!

God! Spoke to little ole me. It wasn't audible but it was definitely Him. He preceded to tell me that my parents would be fine, my would be fine, and my brothers would be fine if I chose to die. Every reason that I had keeping me alive He took from me. I physically felt the "foundation" on which I stood fall piece by piece from under my feet. I soon felt nothing holding me up at that point. I thought for a minute. Why? Why would God take my reasons for living away? Then I got angry at Him and I asked Him why? I told Him He needed to give me a reason to live, right then or that I was definitely going to take my own life. Do you know what He said? He said, "Me". Puzzled I said, "What, what do You mean?". He said, "Me, do it for Me. Do it because I want you to. Live for Me." And as He spoke I felt a solid "foundation" come under my feet. I felt a light tap on my shoulders which was His yoke being placed there. (Matthew 11:30)

He changed my eyes. I only saw good things. It was unbelievable! Everything looked brighter and more colorful. Like I was seeing things for the first time even though I wasn't. Everything was better. Food tasted better, people were nicer, the grass was literally greener. My past wasn't bad my future was positive. God transformed how I felt, thought and looked at everything and everyone. God is Awesome!!! He gave me peace and joy!

He told me He would deliver me from depression and He did! God honors his promises. God is no respector of persons. What He did for me He will do for those who need it.

He is a true friend. Please decide today to live for Him. Hold your head up, put a smile on your face and be joyful in Jesus Name.

Indescribeable 66F
8057 posts
11/20/2005 7:24 pm

Awesome testimony. May I share it with someone that may need to hear your message?

(¯`•♥•´¯) ¤`•.♥.•´ ¤ (¯`•♥•´¯)

744 posts
11/21/2005 12:22 am


May such an encounter come the way of many today
who are desperate and ready to go for anything!

Only Jesus in the power of the Holy Spirit sets free!


Pastor John.

(William Watson)
18097 posts
11/24/2005 7:12 pm

May the Lord bless you and keep you,
May the Lord make His face shine upon you
and be gracious to you,
May the Lord lift His countenance upon you
and give you much, much peace.

God Bless You, sister, keep up the good fight.

May the Lord bless you and keep you