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Premarital kissing For those who say that kissing is ok before marriage and that there are no scriptures pertaining to kissing and that it may be a 'grey' area, this is for you. I came across this information when I googled kissing in the bible this evening when searching for answers to Hisgrayce's last post on "To kiss or not to kiss." The Lord says that if you seek Him you will find Him. This challenges me even further to speak the truth. Jesus Himself said that the truth will set us free. There are those who would argue that it is not wrong to kiss before marriage. To refute this we could look at statistics of couples who thought they could start the fire and shut it at will, and found they were wrong. We could state the number of pregnancies that started as "innocent" goodnight kisses. We could look at all the practical reasons not to kiss before marriage. But those who defend the activity might still say, "Perhaps it's best to refrain, but I don't see it condemned in the Bible, so it can't be sin." This is a weak argument at best. First, a definition of the term. Obviously, not every kind of extramarital kiss can be wrong. The apostle Paul expressly commands us, on several occasions, to greet one another with a holy kiss. (It would be a stretch to say that Paul was instructing husbands and wives to do something which normally requires no prompting). But premarital kissing does not fall under the same category as kissing a fellow believer, your sister, your or your parakeet. In Genesis 26 we read that God told Isaac to stay with the Philistines in lieu of going to Egypt. When the men of that place asked him about his wife, he told them that Rebekah was his sister, because she was beautiful, and he was afraid that the men would kill him to get at her. In verse 8 we read, "When Isaac had been there a long time, Abimelech king of the Philistines looked down from a window and saw Isaac caressing his wife Rebekah. So Abimelech summoned Isaac and said, "She is really your wife! Why did you say, 'She is my sister?'" This shows that there is a type of activity which is only appropriate with a wife, and not appropriate with a sister. What is premarital kissing? For the purpose of my argument, premarital kissing is engaging in that kind of kissing with someone other than one's spouse which is inappropriate with a sibling, in activity and motive. What is the purpose of such kissing? Some would say that it is a legitimate display of affection between a couple who is courting or (horrors) dating. But let's face it, it is not merely an innocent display of affection. It is a display of passion. See definition above. It is rather far-fetched to deny the intimate and emotional nature of a kiss. You would not kiss your mom or dad in the same way you kiss your wife or husband. If you're arguing for that type of kissing before marriage, no argument here. It's ok after marriage, too. But I am speaking of the type which is unique to a husband/wife relationship and imitators thereof. "If you wanna know if he really loves you so, it's in his kiss"? Kissing in this way outside of the bonds of marriage neither proves nor enhances true love. Rather, it proves, demonstrates, enhances a physical attraction that is Biblically classified as lust when not consecrated in marriage. While the physical aspect is a necessary ingredient in a marriage, it is not necessary for a premarital relationship. Rather, it hinders true communication between the couple. Why is premarital sex wrong? Isn't one reason that we are to keep ourselves pure for the person who will one day be our spouse? We may not have sex with anyone who is not our lawful spouse. Those who are single do not have a lawful spouse. Therefore, singles may not have sex. End of story. Now let me ask you a question. How happy would you be if, after taking wedding vows, your beloved passionately kissed someone other than you on the lips? I daresay you wouldn't like it much. If you would, then you are not being an imitator of God in His jealousy for what is His own, and should repent. Well, what right have we to kiss someone now in a way that is not lawful later? Can we not extend this to say: We may not kiss anyone who isn't our lawful spouse; someone who's single has no lawful spouse; therefore singles may not kiss? Take a moment to look at it this way. Let's assume for the moment that premarital kissing is permissible. For the purposes of the argument, it is fine for you to passionately kiss someone when you're single. Is the person you're kissing your husband or wife? Obviously not. Therefore, we have a premise: It is OK to kiss someone who is not your lawful spouse. Logically extending that idea, what is to prevent a married person from passionately kissing someone she/he isn't married to? What's that you say? "No, they can't"? Why ever not? It must have something to do with the nature of marriage and the nature of a passionate kiss. I maintain that the reason extramarital kissing is not permissible is that such kissing is sexual in nature. This agrees with both A and B. Working backwards, then, it would be wrong extramaritally, and it would be wrong premaritally. "Show me a verse that says 'No Kissing'", you say. "Scripture doesn't even mention it. You can't make me feel guilty for doing something the Bible doesn't forbid." There are many expressions of passion that are not specifically recognized in Scripture yet which are wrong to engage in outside of marriage. Can you find me a Scripture passage condemning petting, or other practices that don't go "all the way" to include the act of intercourse, yet involve passion and intimacy between unmarried persons? How about a passage that condemns homosexuals kissing? Or one that says you can't smash your neighbor's windshield? You can't, because they don't exist. And yet I hardly expect you to condone those practices. The key is that these actions are subsumed under the broader heading of "sexual immorality." I would submit that premarital kissing, because of its very nature, also falls into this category. The Heidelberg Catechism assures us that some sins are more heinous than others. Just because one sin is less heinous than another doesn't mean that it is not, therefore, sin. Christ himself warns us that if we hate our brother we have already murdered him in our heart. Therefore, hating our brother is sin. It is not punishable here on earth, but such a thought will be judged.(Matthew 5:22) The Scriptures command us to keep a heart that is clean and free from sin. We should not, we may not seek to go as far as we can without violating the letter of the law. When we so seek, we are already violating the spirit of the law. Cain tried the same trick, and it didn't do him good. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart God will not despise. (Psalm 51:17) Whoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. (Matthew 5:2  How much more, then, has someone committed adultery who does not just confine himself to looking, but also touches in an inescapably sexual way? It is GOOD for a man not to touch a woman.(1 Corinthians 7:1) Walk in the Spirit and you shall not fulfill the lusts of the flesh.(Galatians 5:16) Treat younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.(1 Timothy 5:2) Some have said that to them, kissing doesn't mean anything. I have acquaintances who kiss first and ask questions (like "What's your name?") later. This is dangerous, as demonstrated through the experience of one of those acquaintances. She felt that since kisses meant little, she owed something more than that to the boyfriend she "really loved." If such kissing is to mean anything, if it is to convey love and affection, passion and intimacy, as God ordained that it should, it is only properly done by a husband and a wife. Sarah Faith Schlissel fortifyingthefamily The body of Christ is like a patchwork quilt! All stitched together with God's love. |
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In the Bible, Jesus kissed one of his disciples on the lips. But I think it is something that is an individual choice. Everyone knows whether they are strong enough not to pass the line from a kiss to something more. GBY! LYS! May God Bless You in ABUNDANCE
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"Googling" sounds even worse than "kissing"!
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I prefer to rather play it safe, I find that once I have to justify an action it is already too late. But that is easier said than done and wish I was more disciplined, it also depend on where your priorities lay. Hi there, just had to pop in to say hi. 
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11/4/2008 9:55 am |
I don't know if I agree with this only because you're jumping to lots of conclusions. I agree that the adultery/lust in the heart argument is a good one but in so many passages the Bible is specifically talking abouy sexual intercourse as being a sin. That's what I think is the best evidence for me. Sodom and Gomorrah, restrictions saying a man "should not lie" with another man or woman with woman. It's repeated many times. I don't know, I think you could very well be right, but I don't see how in so many places where they could say not to kiss or touch, it's never uttered. And yet sex is mentioned repeatedly. As for the example of kissing first and asking questions later, that's just crazy. I know people do that, but I think if you're taking your walk seriously you would not consider thigs like that. I will research this some more. Thanks for posting.
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11/4/2008 4:02 pm |
Sorry but to say you shouldn't kiss before marriage is legalistic nonsense. If you don't want to, fine. But don't try to place a burden on the rest of us that God hasn't put there. Peter  "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth" 2 Timothy 2 v 15
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11/4/2008 6:34 pm |
I agree that some types of kissing are sexual. I'm not sure if it's that way for everyone, but anything more than a peck on the lips is over the line for me. I've been thinking about it alot latley lol, and I know that I would feel convicted if my beloved and I did more than our goodbye kiss we had at the airport. I just know. He does too. Our kiss was a kiss of the Holy love we cherish. And we didn't do that till I was leaving the state. I think holding hands and hugging are ok. We don't allow sexual feelings to happen when we are being close like that. God has been so amazing in our relationship! I've never experienced this kind of love. Being physicaly attracted, but being able to remain in God's holiness. I waited 7 yrs for this, and I am so glad God is showing us this beautifull love. Louise I know why you are posting about this for others. The same reason " Harris wrote the book, " I kissed dating goodbye". He wanted others to know about this love. I know you're not being legalistic. Love ya sis, and blessings. We love you both, Thomas and Robin    "Love is Patient..."
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11/4/2008 6:39 pm |
I mean ? Harris....I couldn't remember the author's name. I am going to get that book again. And there was another one you mentioned that someone else wrote on this subject? I'd like that one too. Thanks  "Love is Patient..."
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11/4/2008 8:29 pm |
Good post my love. We both know how deep the intimacy is in our relationship and that the Lord has brought us together for His pleasure as well as ours. Like Robin we both know that we wouldn't have this intimacy if we were to kiss or to go beyond the boundaries that we have set. We are both committed to each other for better or for worse. The dangers of kissing outside of marriage are there for everyone, not just you and I. When a man and woman get together in the sight of God it is of the UTMOST importance to Him to reflect His nature. We all know that He hates divorce. If we enter into any kind of relationship with each other without that serious commitment then that's what is going to happen. (not that He is powerless to act) Where some see legalism I see zeal for His righteousness between a man and a woman. After all didn't God want it that way in the beginning. Doesn't the man and woman become one flesh? We both know the perils of entering into a relationship without both parties full commitment before God. Why would we want to jeopardise it with wanting to retain the presumed option of kissing?
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11/4/2008 9:58 pm |
I completely respect your choice to not kiss before you marry. I think it's great that you have drawn that line in the sand and have both agreed not to cross it. However, that being said, I don't agree with it FOR ME. I also have read the book that you have talked about by Joshua Harris. I found it to be really extreme and almosts puts that "dating relationship" into a business arrangement of meeting people - almost like a job interiew. Please, please do not think that this is what I think of your relationship, I do NOT think that. I do not think that kissing is giving a piece of yourself away, I do think that having sex before marriage is. You know....the picture of the girl lined up on her wedding day with her groom and all the girls he's "given part of himself to". I'm sorry, I just don't think that, I don't believe it - for kissing. I want to know that I have that connection with the man I will marry. I would gladly kiss someone that I thought was special and I had a desire to know better to see if he was "the one". I don't see how kissing makes 2 people into one flesh. Can it lead to that? Sure, but so can't alot of other things. Like I said....I respect you for your choice and I wish you the very best!! I am very happy for you!!
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11/5/2008 12:14 am |
The points Sarah has made are valid, yet they also are not exclusive, and I do not agree with everything here. The main objective is to maintain purity until marriage, and exactly what measures it takes to keep that purity varies from one couple to another. It is no more right to say God's will is absolutely no kissing until the alter, then it is to say that passionate kissing and petting without restriction is God's will. My fiancee and I very much enjoy our sessions of kissing, and sometimes we even do so passionately. Yet we do not allow ourselves to proceed any farther then that. Is it easy? Of coarse not. It's not supposed to be easy. If it was, then there would be no point of ever getting married. The human romance is a process of ever building toward becoming one in unity. There are stages to enter, achieve, and to master. What you are suggesting is legalistic, circumvents the process, implies that romance is only possible once you've married, and that everything automatically happens on the wedding night, with no prior training, or preparation. As much as we'd like it to be so, It doesn't happen that way. I have read Joshua Harris's book, 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye,' and for his age group, his advice is totally sound. For many a young man of his age, right at the peak of his drive, even holding hands with a young lady is too much temptation, and yes it is better to keep such temptations at bay. On the other hand, that young man has much to learn, as even he has wisely admitted. Toward the end of his book where he describes a godly advancing situation, and especially so in the stage of purposeful intimacy without the physical,(just prior to engagement) the very interactions he describes for the courting couple is in fact dating. He just doesn't call it that, but dating is exactly what it is. Dating, is any social interaction between a man and woman, for the purpose of getting to know each other better, including to explore the possibility of a relationship which may have a potential of leading to courting, engagement, and marriage. Again it is a process with stages of increasing knowledge and intimacy of one other. In Gen. 4:1; where Adam 'knew' Eve, the Hebrew word used is 'yada.' Which in that usage is specific to $ex resulting in conceiption, it is also defined as an intimate yet growing knowledge of each other. It is an ever continuing process. Dating is 'yada,' getting to know each other better and more intimately. Once marriage covenent is entered, then 'yada,' includes experiencing $exual intimacy. Joshua Harris's encouragement for accountable activities such as family and church is dating. The only real way to get away from dating is to return to arranged marriages, such as was done in Bible times. Isaiah 66:2b; But to this one I will look, To him who is humble and contrite of spirit, and who trembles at My word.
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Helllllo and and and I just as well jump in here with both feet I guess. I just realized seeing a blog somewhere that named both of us .. well, I realized perhaps I had said something that may have been about your blog the first day I joined here.. As I think on all this and read back I see that I probably had YOU in mind when I made my first post about no kissing, but I am not sure who. I know I was shocked when I came on the site and the first I read was NO KISSING. LOL WOW, when I read that I thought maybe the churches had gone from meeting in real life to having to stay cyber or who knows. Until I saw that I thought I had lived it all, but then I wondered.. I was raised so holy I am not sure we were allowed to touch ourselves when we went to the bathroom.. I can remember as soon as I got saved and filled with the spirit at 5 years old, I starting to be told how I was going to hell from about instant one.. I can still remember starting a thought process of how I was never told I was going to hell until I got saved, so I would have been better not being saved. I have been in and out of churches as well as lay ministry all my life and seen much and learned a lot of patients and love. I was very proud to give my daughter away in one of those white pure virgin marriages as her and her hubby lived it as I encouraged her and other kids to do. Yes, that is how I raised her or tried to.. Yep, I was proud.. NOW, do I have an opinion on this? Sure.. LOL .. but it is not any type of thing that should matter to anyone other than MY ONE. If people do not want to kiss that is great with me. Probably lot of truth in the intimacy of it all as from what I understand many other lifestyles such as swingers and such often have rules of no kissing among certain couples. They can be sexual but no kissing. Why wouldn't some Christan's feel the same about the kissing part.. that is is toooo intimate? Of course if some feel guilt because they have kissed.. because they will kiss, because they have the urge to kiss or a whole lot of other issues I will be happy to talk with them if I have the time or stuff. Shoot I understand or have been in contact with a lot more issues than any kiss as I feel most women have had some form of abuse in their lives. It seems most women feel unclean and guilt about a lot of things that may or may not have had much to do with them. I think the stats indicate almost half have some type of sexual dysfunction and a lot of it probably from guilt and most of that guilt is for more than the kiss. I am sure in some cases the lust or fantasy has done more to give women guilt than some of the things they have actually entered into. I certainly know what the kiss does... I know what getting close does. I know what people can choose and of course most of the stuff I or we can prove, try to prove and or try to disprove by the Bible. I am here to tell any if they do not want to do it.. DON'T. If a man puts pressure on a woman she should dump him if she wishes. I guess a man can do the same to a woman, but seems most men love being beguiled by the woman as we say BUT LORD it was her fault. Well, that is my excuse anyway. LOL Shoooot he created the women beautiful and of course she uses both sides of her brain so I just give up and say .. OK or better yet YES DEAR. I am very happy for the two of you . I have read a few of your blogs here and tried to get a feel for what they two of you are planning or doing.. I find it great and feel a great spirit about it. Well, I wonder about having more kids. LOL but but that is what the two of you choose.. I just wish you the best and know the Lord will bless the two of you as you have made your choices. I think it is an honor that you are living it the way you wish. You seem like a very matched couple who are discussing as well as talking, that is great. I want to wish you my best and thank you for stopping in my blog..
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Five children and now you believe in not even kissing prior to marriage? Sounds like you took way too long to learn that lesson - conveniently for you. Talk about closing the stable door after the horse has bolted or having one's cake and eating it! The amount of Christian women I see on these Christian dating sites who talk a good talk after they've had loads of sex and even got the children they obviously wanted just makes me so cynical.
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11/6/2008 3:34 pm |
Jack, don't you believe in regeneration? Being made new? I've seen you on a few blogs now, and I'm really sorry you feel cynical. And we all have a right to our opinion, but don't insult people pls. No one is insulting you. Maybe some women are like you say, but some of us are not. Some of us, women and men, have been made "new". And we believe in being holy as our Father is holy. We want our relationship to reflect God's holiness, even after marriage. That's a whole other topic tho. Blessings, Robin "Love is Patient..."
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11/6/2008 9:23 pm |
Five children and now you believe in not even kissing prior to marriage? Sounds like you took way too long to learn that lesson - conveniently for you. Talk about closing the stable door after the horse has bolted or having one's cake and eating it! The amount of Christian women I see on these Christian dating sites who talk a good talk after they've had loads of sex and even got the children they obviously wanted just makes me so cynical. I love *real* communication, meaningful conversations that bring me closer to genuinely knowing others. I do small talk initially just as anyone might but it's unimportant to me. I dislike closed or rigid minds, and stubbornness. I believe people should be prepared to change their opinions, to learn new things, and not arrogantly assume that their perspective needn't change nor should ever be questioned. Seems like you need to bolt a few barn doors of your own brother lest you be perceived as hypercrical as well as cynical. (do we have the right if we know about it) Your comments degrade women even further! Excert for a few (and i know a few) haven't they suffered enough? We as Godly men should be protecting them not tearing them down! God bless you on your journey to know Him deeper. Ian.
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11/7/2008 12:35 am |
Louise, I am blessed for having you too, and I don't take kindly to that kind of attack on my friend. I've seen him do it before, just so ya know...that's how he is to lots of ppl. He seems to like to get a rise out of ppl. I know he is the miserable one. I'll pray for him. I like to see ppl like him soften and become loving. It usualy comes from pain when they are attacking. I hope ya take it like that, not personaly. I know if feels personal. But really he has striked out at a few ppl on here for varied reasons. Love you loads too. And aren't we blessed to have our chivalrous guys?! Thomas is so protective of me, like your Ian. Blessings to you both, Thomas and Robin, Always... "Love is Patient..."
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Five children and now you believe in not even kissing prior to marriage? Sounds like you took way too long to learn that lesson - conveniently for you. Talk about closing the stable door after the horse has bolted or having one's cake and eating it! The amount of Christian women I see on these Christian dating sites who talk a good talk after they've had loads of sex and even got the children they obviously wanted just makes me so cynical. I read your profile.. I hurt with you, I feel for the crude that has happened and your wanting to run from God or who knows what.. It had to hurt, but you got the hook of the Lord in your mouth and we know HE is the only way.. Punch on me if you need to lash out, and understandably you do.. Cut the women some slack, but YEP, keep a good eye on them as for sure you are going to see a lot that do the talk and it sure seems after the horses are outtta the barn.. but but a lot of them do have the pure heart. Many have learned need of changed ways.. sure it seems wrong that most have had to be ruined by the bad boys and then are way to pious when they finally accept the good guys.. yep it is a shame.. Just accept that the LORD can bring us a BAD GIRL in our private time that He has changed so she no longer wants the bad boy, but the good guy who also can be a bad boy in our special times.. Louisiana, ladylightwalker, and especially fireun have told you well and seems they have done it in Love.. I am sure you see that.. True believers will love you, but not like some of what you say.. They will have taken decided ways they wish to move forward and they will be blessed as they find their like-minded ones. I rejoice for them.. NOW some of the others are living a lie and it is like others have to suffer for their past.. KNOW WHAT? Most of them will stay single and bitter or have more and more bad relationships.. Sure we see them a mile away and it makes us suspect of every one.. BUT we can not get cynical.. It harms us if we do.. BoxInJack, I put my arm around your shoulder and tell you.. Dang, lets just watch these women.. lets just take time to mellow and accept that some are beyond good and loving women.. AND AND AND ONE might well be for us.. I encourage you to grow in the Word and know I am proud of you and your search. Thank you for taking time to read my heart that I have put into words.
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11/13/2008 5:01 pm |
Wow, that's my Man of God... "Love is Patient..."
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