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| Blogs > Tropical_Man > Meriam's Guy |
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Extended Touch {This is something I wrote a few months back} I guess I am just writing this to God. Thank You God. I like life here but it also has its drawbacks. You know I dont look forward to the hereafter because I want to experience love here on earth before its over. To love and be loved back. I spent 20 years loving someone that was incapable of love. So messed up by their rearing. I have been alone for basically 12 years now. Saturday I overdid it and realized perhaps the best years of my life physically are behind me. What do you do? You can not turn back the clock. I allways wanted more . Many things I always wanted and in some cases it probably is too late. Too late for love? I dont know. Sometimes I feel like an aging fool God because I do ont want to give up hope for some happiness in love. You have blessed me with friends on many levels and for that I am grateful. But my dreams eat at me. Dreams that would take a miracle for me. Perhaps that is why I love watching the love stories in hope that my dreams will not die. I feel if they really die that I will also die. I dont want that. I want to live to be 100 or so because many aspects of this life I do enjoy. I enjoy spanking idiots when they deserve it. I enjoy encouraging others when they need to know someone stopped long enough to look and see what is going on in their lives. I am so proud of my and I know he will shine in life. He is a better person than me and he is chasing his star in the sky and the reward at the end of that rainbow. He has some great skills. He is honing them and has very good morals and goals in life. But I miss holding and being held. I miss laying awake at night and sharing dreams and laughter as well as overcoming the pains of life with someone. There is so much that I miss. Yet I also grimace as I converse with so many that are so unhappy in their relationships. It could be confusing. But knowing their can be something good keeps me going. I do not want to be alone forever. But its like I went to sleep at one age and woke up realizing I am at another place. A place where I would always be dragging my feet to get to. I see people that had perked my interest make some choices that I know they now regret. Despite trying to do our best in life, there certainly can be many regrets in life. I dont want to go to that place. Yet I see so many people miserable and in obligations out of fear, yet remaining. I just want to be with someone that wants to be with me as bad as I want to be with them. Yes a hard thing to find. Its a dream of the youth and a passion of the aging.Life is challenging. My body aches, my mind wishes to go on and I close my eyes and forge ahead. It becomes a place where you want to make sure that you help your fulfill their dreams as you have allowed your own to be but a glimmer of the fire that once burned bright and clear...... But in the midst of physical lonliness God still reaches out to me. I have this cat named Beanie. He just comes and sits on me. Rubs his face on mine for a few minutes here and there. Licks my Goatee. He just loves me so much. I lost a pet that I loved so much almost 2 years ago. It was heart breaking. It was my fault. I held that inside for a long time against myself, even some anger towards God because Buster had given me so much Joy in life. He made me smile when I didnt really feel like smiling anymore. But last October I was at a friends and his wife told me that she had a kitten that was fantastic. I held him for about 5 minutes, I could "feel" Buster inside of him. After much agonizing I went back the next night and brought him home. Cory could see he was alot like Buster. Even felt like him. I didnt think it could happen, but in time he has become closer and more loving to me than any pet I have ever had. I named him Beanie after a football player from Ohio State. But inside there was another name that God told me for him. Healer. Tht is his real name, one that he is never called. Beanie is God's extension of love for me. I hope I find love and a relationship again. I want to hope for that. But this cat that just seems to do the right things always reminds me of God's Love. He is unusual that way. Its like God saying I am living as an extension and reminder of my heart towards you in the form of this animal. It would make no sense to see it any other way. |
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8/8/2010 3:50 pm |
Hi Dennis, this is great. I see now that God wishes for me to remarry. This was brought to my attention by a woman in ministry at a retreat a week ago; and about a year ago by my pastor... but back then, I wasn't listening. You see, there's that part of me that enjoys being single. I know different women who are in relationships, and vicariously through them, along with my own convictions, I'm still learning where not to go. Sometimes I become lonely and that causes my judgment to be off-center. However, God's forgiving, and for that I'm grateful! Good wishes and God bless.
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8/8/2010 10:57 pm |
I know that feeling, that it was my fault that one of my babies died. It's a hard thing. I'm so glad you're healing with God's bringing this cat into your life. I guess I latched onto that part of your post, cause I'm going through it now too. I have plenty of babies to comfort me, but I miss my "Big Guy"..."Wolf"..."Banner Boy" ...Even Thomas says, he was like a person, not a wolf/dog. You saw it in his eyes. He was more than any dog, in his thinking, and communicating with just a look. Maybe it was just cause he was so old...wise. I still wait for all the guilt to go. I know I need to let it go. I can't look at pics of him much. Thanks for sharing. It's good to talk about, and for me to talk about mine too... Blessings   "Love is Patient..."
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thanks everyone. I still have the one person that I want, but I also need a miracle. Each day they suffer in a corrupt world and try and have hope. It makes me sad because the rescources are not there yet. I think about her each day and hope because truth be told, for what I wish to do in life, they are perfect for me.
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8/9/2010 5:25 am |
My husband has epilepsy and cerebral palsy. When he was young he prayed for a wife and a couple kids. It was hard to hold fast because even his siblings told him no one would marry him. In his darkest hour when he was 30 something and ready to let go, God answered his prayer in a way he was not expecting. A young widow with two small children. God's timing can seem hard to wait for when we ache and don't know why He does what He does sometimes when He plans things for our lives, but it is good because in the end, because of it all that happened in both our lives, we cherish and protect our marriage.
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what a wonderful testimony 
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