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Looking Up...widow Lisa Beamer of 9-11 Hero Todd Beamer How Lisa Beamer, widowed wife of 9-11's United Flight 93 hero Todd Beamer, finds strength in her faith. Jane Johnson Struck On September 10, 2001, Lisa Beamer, 32, was an anonymous New Jersey homemaker and mom of two toddlers, David, 3, and Andrew, 18 months. Happily married since 1994, she and her husband, Todd, a successful software salesman, had just returned home from a business-related vacation. Their schedules were about to jump into full swing with Todd's frequent business travel, their many church involvements, the start of David's first year of preschool, and the upcoming birth of their third , due in January. Life was busy, full, and good. Then–September 11 happened. That sunny Tuesday morning, as three terrorist-controlled planes transformed into the fiery missiles that plunged into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, a life-and-death struggle ensued on United Flight 93, which had departed from Newark to San Francisco. Some speculate the hijacked plane was headed for the U.S. Capitol; no one will ever know. Whatever the terrorists' intent, their plot was foiled by the 40 passengers aboard who'd been alerted to the other terrorist attacks through cell-phone calls to loved ones. Faced with the probability of their own deaths, passengers sought to overtake the hijackers of Flight 93. That struggle, captured on a 30-minute cockpit recording, ultimately ended in a violent crash in Shanksville, Pennsylvania. Everyone aboard the flight perished, including Todd, traveling for business. Todd's final phone conversation with GTE Airfone operator Lisa Jefferson vividly displayed his faith and courage as he prayed The Lord's Prayer with her, then issued the rallying cry to fellow passengers: "Let's roll!" Todd's heroic words and actions thrust a grieving Lisa, five months pregnant, into the national spotlight with interviews on Larry King Live, PrimeTime Live, and Good Morning America, among others. Her photo appeared in magazines ranging from People to the National Enquirer. And President George W. Bush even introduced Lisa to a devastated nation during his address before Congress on September 20. Lisa quickly became a symbol of dignity and grace–a grace she readily admits came from the faith in Jesus Christ she and Todd have had since early childhood. Lisa's Christian faith also led her to create The Todd M. Beamer Foundation, whose goal is to assist dealing with a family trauma, whether 9-11 related or otherwise, to make heroic choices despite their difficult circumstances, as Todd did on Flight 93. Lisa also wrote a book scheduled to release this September entitled Let's Roll (Tyndale), the proceeds of which will assist the foundation. In it she shares details of her childhood, her father's sudden death when she was a , her courtship and marriage to Todd, and how their faith impacted their lives up until September 11–and beyond. TCW visited Lisa in her New Jersey home just one day after she and the other families of Flight 93 victims met for an unprecedented listen to the cockpit flight recording of the final violent moments of Flight 93. While she contently nursed baby Morgan, born January 9, Lisa shared in this exclusive interview her grief and her hope in Jesus Christ. 
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It must be a comfort to have Morgan. Morgan loves to be held! With her dark hair, she looks so much like Todd. How are David and Andrew doing? They're doing well right now. In some ways, I count myself unfortunate because David, who's now four, and Andrew, who's two, aren't going to have strong memories of Todd. And Morgan will only learn of him when we talk about him, or when she points to his picture and I say, "Daddy." But at least I'll have time to work through my grief before I have to help them deal with theirs. I know that through each stage of their development, they'll grieve the loss in a different way and with a new understanding. Do they understand what happened on 9-11? Drew was only 18 months old when Todd died. But David was three-and-a-half. I had to explain to him that Daddy's plane crashed and what dying meant. I was concerned that at his age he'd keep asking, "When is Daddy coming home?" That will just kill me, I thought. But David understood immediately he wasn't going to see Daddy again. Every now and then, David asks, "What happened to Daddy's plane?" I'll say, "We're not exactly sure how everything happened, but something caused the plane to crash." I don't think he's ready to learn that people would crash a plane on purpose. David's also asked, "When are we going to die?" I think, I'm not supposed to have this conversation with a four year old! He's not supposed to wonder when he's going to die. That's when I have to say, "God, I don't have the answer for this. The ball's in your court." Why did you decide to listen to United Flight 93's cockpit recording? It wasn't for closure. I can accept what happened, but I don't think I'm ever going to say, Oh, I understand now. It all makes sense, because Todd's death will never make sense to me. But I needed a mental picture of what Todd was doing in those last minutes aboard the flight. I also wanted to get all the information I could because I don't know what questions I'll have to answer for my children some day. Todd wasn't passive about life. Listening to the recording reaffirmed that up until the last second, Todd and those people were not victims. It makes me happy to know that. What happened to you on 9-11? I vaguely remember Todd kissing me good-bye before he took off early that morning for his business trip. Being five months pregnant, I was eager for some extra sleep before the boys got up. A few hours later, I was doing laundry when my friend Elaine called to tell me to turn on the television to see what was happening to the World Trade Center. At first, I wasn't concerned about Todd's safety, even though I knew he was flying. When a third plane hit the Pentagon, I started to wonder. But when I called the airlines, the phones were all messed up. I got a little agitated, so Elaine came over. When we saw the news coverage of the Pennsylvania crash, I felt a knot in my stomach. A couple minutes later, the media reported it had been a United flight from Newark to San Francisco. As soon as I heard that, I cried out "No!' and crumpled to the floor.
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ADVERTISEMENT So you had that gut feeling. Yes. I knew Todd wasn't okay. I spent the rest of the day in my bedroom, huddled on my bed. I felt as though I literally needed to hold every atom of my body together, otherwise I'd fall apart. Before long, family, friends, and church members came over to be with us, but whenever someone came into my room, I told them, "I just can't handle you getting hysterical right now." What about the boys? All David and Andrew knew was that there were lots of people over to play with. About an hour later, someone came into my bedroom and told me the travel agent had confirmed Todd was booked on the flight. I said, "I know." Two hours later, United called to tell me he was on the passenger list. I didn't break down crying hysterically, or scream; God already was giving me an incredible peace. In what other ways did God reveal himself to you? He used family, friends, and our church to provide for our family's needs, such as laundry and meals. I spent so much time in my bedroom those first three days, I had no idea how much they helped out! That first week, I couldn't sleep more than an hour or so at a time. Thoughts rushed through my mind: How am I going to do this? What about our baby? I'd look out at the night sky from my bedroom windows. With no air traffic that first week, it was rather eerie. But as I looked up at the stars, a deep calm came over me. That enormous, star-filled sky helped me focus on the bigger picture: My own little world was a mess, but God was still who he is, and I needed to look beyond my own devastation. That calm enabled me to get through Todd's memorial service that Saturday, to visit the crash site in Shanksville on Monday, to head to New York for all those live interviews, and then to fly to Washington, D.C. on Thursday to attend the President's address. What a horrible way to become a celebrity. It was. But I also know it's nothing I did. It's really not about me. I'm here to do what God wants me to do and say what he wants me to say. For example, back in November, I was asked to speak at a Women of Faith conference. I prayed, "Lord, I don't know what message people need to hear, but give me whatever words you want me to say." That day I talked about how we can choose either to live in fear or in hope. Personally, I'm less afraid now than I was before September 11, because I have a greater sense of God's sovereignty. He's in control, and he has a plan for the world. Not only that, he has plans for me individually. And he loves me more than any human being ever could love me. So what's really to fear?
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ADVERTISEMENT That's an amazing statement. As a parent, I want to protect my children from as much harm as I can. Not only does God love me more than I ever could love my children, but he's also able to discern what I need to be protected from and what I need to endure. That awareness takes anxieties away. I have a much stronger sense of my need for God's wisdom and love. And I guess I didn't feel the need for that as much before. Did you feel uncomfortable with so much media exposure? At first, I didn't realize it was happening; I simply was responding to requests. But now I remind people I'm just one of many. There are three thousand other stories just as horrible, from a human standpoint, as mine. What did make me feel uncomfortable was the fact that because our family got so much attention, people sent us money and all sorts of things. So we started The Todd M. Beamer Foundation to use that money for the other victims' families. We know that years from now, when September 11 is a distant memory for most people and the other charities have finished doing what they're doing, the children of parents killed on Flight 93 still will be dealing with its ramifications. The Foundation exists to assist these children, as well as those facing other family traumas, so they'll be better equipped to move forward in life. Have you gotten to know other victims' families? At this point, all the families of United Flight 93 have been together on three separate occasions. Even though we don't know each other well, we share a camaraderie. Yesterday, when we listened to the tape, I talked to one of the widows for the first time. We acknowledged this tremendous bond we share and that our children share. I said, "It's inexplicable, but it's also inexplicable how 40 strangers on a plane were able to bond in such a short time and do what they did together." What's your biggest struggle now? It's living in grief and in hope, which are both realities for me. It's difficult to live as a mom of three kids, then deal with these other unusual unrelated things, such as speaking and working with the media. When anxiety creeps in, I tell myself I'm not going to let that happen, because it won't do any good. You don't want to go down that road. … That's right. You know what? I can look at a situation two ways. I can say, "Poor me," because I have to do something by myself, and get swallowed by self-pity. Or I can say, "I feel relatively happy today. My kids are doing well, and I'm blessed to have them."
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For example, David and Andrew aren't allowed to come out of their bedroom in the mornings until 7 A.M. This morning, David and Andrew flew into my bedroom in their Buzz Lightyear PJs, and David yelled, "Mommy, the clock says it's 7-0-0!" Todd loved baseball, and both boys had on their Yankee hats with their PJs. They pretended to be a pitcher and a catcher. They were so cute! As I lay on the bed watching them, the thought hit me, I wish Todd were laying right next to me, and we could laugh with them together. Suddenly I faced a choice: Do I wallow in the fact he's not here? Or do I enjoy my kids? And I said to myself, I'm going to enjoy my kids. It's taking those thoughts captive to Christ. It really is. But you can't ignore them. … No, you can't. I'm walking that tightrope between grief, which means acknowledging my loss and being sad about it, and the knowledge God is in control and that he's sufficient for me. It's a challenge to keep from erring on one side or the other. But my kids help me keep a proper perspective. When the boys do something funny, or Morgan does something for the first time, I can't sit around and think, It stinks Todd isn't here to enjoy this. How do you deal with your grief? I see a counselor at church weekly. It's been immensely helpful to have the help of someone objective, because my friends and family are grieving in their own ways, too. Since October, I've also been involved in a weekly support group for families affected by 9-11. Because of our location, most of them are World Trade Center families. We've gotten extremely close. Right now they're my best friends. What do you do in a meeting? We say, "This is who I am, this is what I feel today." And you see a lot of nodding. No one tries to fix those feelings. … because you can't. It's nice to be around people who feel your pain. It would be so much harder if I were isolated. Have you shared your faith with them? They all know I'm a Christian, thanks to the media. We talk a bit about spiritual things, but right now we're developing friendships. Who knows where these friendships will lead over time? A lot of us have young children. Someday these kids will be able to talk to other kids who share the same experience and the same concerns. That's why I feel our group will be important for a long time. Do you grapple with anger? It's not as though someone walked up to Todd on the street and shot him. Then I think I'd be tempted to look at that person's face and say, "You evil person, I hate you." This situation is so impersonal. Todd just happened to be on that plane the terrorists selected. I worry more about anger for my kids some day. I know some children will grow up hating the people who did this to their dad or mom, because they don't know what else to do. I want to give my children a godly perspective so they'll avoid those negative ramifications.
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ADVERTISEMENT What about anger toward God? My dad died suddenly from an aneurysm when I was 15. Because of that experience, I was in a much different place on September 11 than I would have been otherwise. When my father died, I was extremely angry with God for several years. It took me about five years to accept the fact that if God had wanted to change events, he could have. He knew all the ramifications for our family, yet he allowed it. But as I studied the Psalms and the book of Job, I realized there's a difference between a God who abandons you and One who promises he'll never leave or forsake you–a God who promises good things will come out of even bad situations if you trust him. After years of wrestling with the whys, of struggling with the unfairness of my father's death, a light bulb went on in my mind. I finally was able to say with great conviction, While my father's death isn't what I wanted and it causes me great grief, you're a good God, and I'll trust you. When September 11 happened, I had that anchor of truth to grab onto. I'm thankful for the wisdom that came out of my dad's death, because without it, this last year would have been much different. You're not suggesting God causes bad things to make people grow spiritually? I don't think God allowed September 11 to happen so I would depend on him more. But I think depending on him more is exactly what he wants me to do. This phrase has been in my mind since September 11: "Look up." Obviously I've had to look to God for strength and perspective. We can get so caught up in our narrow existence because that's all we look at. That's when we need to step back and ask, "Why was I put on this earth? What's the big picture?" If you'd asked us why we were put on this earth, Todd and I would have said to prepare for eternity and to help others do the same. If that truly was our goal, then I can't think of anything we could have done with our lives that would have helped us reach it better than what happened on 9-11. It's not the way I would have wanted, but in the grand scheme of things, everything will be okay. We sang the hymn It Is Well with My Soul at Todd's memorial service, and these words continue to ring through my mind: "Whatever my lot, he has taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul." The only way it's ever going to be well with your soul in a tough time is to see through God's eyes your little life and his big creation. That perspective's helped me most when I look around at all the things other families enjoy that my family can't enjoy right now. But that's so tough. It's that balancing act again–we live in this world, but we're not of this world.
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I'm very blessed to have my younger sister, Holly, helping me. It's another example of how God prepared the situation. She finished her master's degree in December 2001 and was at a natural break in her life. I truly believe God orchestrated the timing, knowing I was going to need Holly and that she'd be willing to come here and assist me with the children. God planned for both our lives to converge right now–another way he's taking care of us. What do you want your book to accomplish? I want to show readers who might not have a Christian background how a relationship with Jesus Christ can affect your life in any circumstance. I also want them to see Todd and me as we really were–a normal couple–not some 9-11 heroes. Why do you say that? Because many other people could have done what Todd did if they'd been called to do so. But Todd was able to make a wise choice at the end of his life because he made wise choices throughout his life. It really comes down to how we live every day. Too often we have this mentality, When I get the career, when I get married, when I have kids, I'll have time for God. That's Satan's lie! Life is every little second now. And all those things we want to be, we either are right now, or we're not. Todd and I knew it was important to try to live life faithfully for Christ each day. Now I have a greater awareness of how important it is to have that minute-by-minute trust in God. How do you want Todd remembered? As a guy who loved his family, who tried to live for something larger than himself. While Todd was successful by earthly standards, in that last half-hour of his life, he knew he was going to die. He knew he wasn't going to have another chance to fix any mistakes. But he'd gotten the most important thing in life right: a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. That's what I want people to remember. And you? Also as a disciple of Jesus Christ. I realize I'm walking the line between the hard realities of this world and the beauty of eternity. Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane knew that by dying on the cross, he would save humanity. He knew that in three days he would rise again. Yet he struggled so hard, he sweat blood. How human that was! Our pain is so real to God. He understands it from a personal standpoint, and that's a tremendous comfort to me. google: beamer foundation
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