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Golf in Heaven 9/25/2007
God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf up in heaven.
On the first tee, JB leads off and hits a big blast right down
the gut; it rolls to a stop about 270 yards out, perfect lie.
Jesus steps up next and kills the ball, sending it about
300 yards straight away, perfect lie.
God steps up, waggles and wiggles, and then badly hooks
his ball into the trees. As it flies in, a huge oak ...
1 Comments, 42 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Men of the cloth..... 9/25/2007
Two Irishmen were sitting in a bar, watching the entrance
to the brothel across the street. A Baptist minister went
in, and one of the Irishmen said: "Ah, 'tis a shame
to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then a rabbi
went in, and the Irishman shook his head sadly and remarked:
" 'Tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin'
victim to temptation." A few minutes later, a Catholic
priest went in. ...
0 Comments, 18 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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How Adam had it easy...... 9/25/2007
1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man
she could have married. 2. He had no in-laws to drop in. 3. There was no Jones for him to keep up with. 4. There were no credit cards or shopping centers. 5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe. 7. He never had to shovel snow. 8. If he had gone bald, who would have known ...
0 Comments, 18 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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How to sell a BIBLE 9/25/2007
Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher
needed some people to go around and sell Bibles, so the preacher
hired two boys without even thinking twice. He was hesitant
about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech
impediment, but hired him anyway.
So after the first days of work, they all met back at the church.
The preacher looked at the first boy and ...
0 Comments, 35 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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Happiest Man 9/16/2007
The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from
work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're
going to be three in this house instead of two." The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing
his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the
world." But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this
way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."
0 Comments, 16 Views,
0 Votes
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Alheizmer's Moment 9/6/2007
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering
things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked
out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the
doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically
okay but might want to start writing ...
0 Comments, 18 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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The Honeymoon Is Over 9/4/2007
Please excuse the rough language in the following story.
I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be
the same. A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, " said her mother, "so how was
the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama, " she replied, "the honeymoon
was wonderful! So romantic." Suddenly she burst
out ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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What Does Love Mean? 9/2/2007
What does Love mean? Well below I have listed the responses
of a group of between the ages of 4 and 8, to entertain
you. Some of there answers may surprise you or go deeper
then some adults you may know. So enjoy those and then share
your thoughts as to what love means to you as an adult, cheers.
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't
bend over and paint her toenails ...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Grandma's Boyfriend 8/23/2007
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,
he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't
have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I
can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious
programs make me feel good and the comedies make me ...
0 Comments, 23 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
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Dr's Visit 8/23/2007
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping
on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you
have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter
with you?' The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I
don't care what you think. I just came from having a
mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, ...
1 Comments, 31 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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How To Make A Woman Happy? 8/10/2007
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only
needs to be:
a friend a companion a lover a brother a father a master a chef an electrician a carpenter a plumber a mechanic a decorator a stylist a sexologist a gynecologist a psychologist a pest exterminator a psychiatrist a healer a good listener an organizer a good father very clean sympathetic athletic warm attentive gallant ...
4 Comments, 44 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
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It Pays Not To Complain 8/9/2007
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his
wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what
I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine
for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the ...
5 Comments, 34 Views,
6 Votes
,5.93 Score
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How To Ask A Man To Do Something 7/31/2007
Always remember these important rules when asking a man
to do something:
Make sure the man is conscious.
Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage
with the sports section.
Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours,
max.
Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him
something that doesn't have a peel-back cover. ...
0 Comments, 11 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Comeback Lines For The Ladies To Use On Unwanted Men 7/27/2007
M: I know how to please a woman. W: Then please leave me alone.
M: I want to give myself to you. W: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
M: Your hair color is fabulous. W: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug
store.
M: You look like a dream. W: Go back to sleep.
M: I can tell that you want me. W: Yes, I want you to leave.
M: Hey, baby, ...
0 Comments, 8 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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Ways To Turn Down Unwanted Men 7/23/2007
HE: Can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for
a face like yours. SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking
for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake
twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must've ...
0 Comments, 5 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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Marriage, Before And After 7/20/2007
BEFORE THE MARRIAGE:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. She: Do you want me to leave? He: NO! Don't even think about it. She: Do you love me? He: Of course! She: Have you ever cheated on me? He: NO! Why you even asking? She: Will you kiss me? He: Yes! She: Will you hit me? He: No way! I'm not such kind of person! She: Can I trust you?
. ...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
0 Votes
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A -in-law's Revenge 7/20/2007
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's
face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that
they couldn't graft any skin from his body because
he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However,
the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable
would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they ...
2 Comments, 36 Views,
7 Votes
,5.33 Score
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Romance, Senior Style 7/18/2007
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband
was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and
wanted to talk. She said: "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and
tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said:
"Then you use to kiss me." Mildly irritated,
he reached across, gave her a peck on ...
0 Comments, 8 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Love In The Mental Hospital 7/18/2007
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want
them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with
all they have. Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One
day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the
bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him She swam to the bottom
and ...
0 Comments, 10 Views,
0 Votes
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Husband Vs. Wife 7/13/2007
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument
and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the
husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep, " the wife replied, "In-laws."
2 Comments, 32 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
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Words Women Use 7/13/2007
OK men I am still trying to help you out here, hahaha. These
are words that women use and I am trying to warn you as to how
to avoid arguments if you can remember the terminology
of the words.
Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they
are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half
an hour. Five minutes is only ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Creation 7/12/2007
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how
you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
0 Comments, 9 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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The Silent Treatment 7/10/2007
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the
man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where
he knew she would find ...
0 Comments, 7 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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CHRISTIAN PICK - UP LINES........... 7/10/2007
1. Nice bible"
2. "I would like to pray with you"
3. "You know Jesus? Me too!"
4. "God told me to come talk to you"
5. "I know a church where we could go and talk"
6. "How about a hug, sister?"
7. "Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks
heavy."
8. "Christians don't shake hands, Christians
gotta hug!"
9. "Oh, you're ...
1 Comments, 22 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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50th Wedding Anniversary 7/9/2007
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding
anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's
getting sentimental because they're celebrating
50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was
thinking about the time before we got married. "Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said
he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't ...
0 Comments, 10 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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If You Want To Upset Your Man, Here Are A Few Ways To Do It 7/9/2007
Tell him he has to recite a Shakespeare love sonnet before
you agree to date him.
Tell him his brother is a better looking.
Take the remote control apart and damage the circuit board
inside. Put the remote back together. Smile sweetly while
he goes nuts.
Rub his stomach. Say "Bhudda, Bhudda, bring me luck."
Subscribe to Woman's World, Cosmo and Redbook. Make ...
0 Comments, 10 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Tonight's Funny For You, Not Appropriate For All 7/4/2007
This is apparently a true story which occurred very recently
in the Telecom Call Centre in Lower Hutt. The Operative
received a call from a somewhat irate and very worried Pacific
Islander who it seems needed some urgent marriage guidance.
The call went like this:
Telecom How may we help you?
Customer: I haff a big problem with my phone bill. My wife,
she think I haffing an ...
1 Comments, 36 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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Want Ads For A Wife 7/4/2007
FISHERMAN: Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook
worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please
send photograph of Boat & Motor.
SALESMAN: Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the
original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and
smartest bachelors around is now looking for a wife. And
you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car
and ...
0 Comments, 9 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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A Love Story 6/29/2007
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When
she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did
you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches
and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked
her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail
then." ...
3 Comments, 51 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
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Exercise: To Heck With It! 6/29/2007
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she
was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the
heck she is.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could
hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show
up.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain ...
1 Comments, 25 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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