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Divorcing ones spouse
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Nov 7, 2009 7:31 am
Mood: stressed,
200 Views
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Divorcing ones spouse..
I liken it to taking a gun and shooting her. No, not THAT extreme but almost in the same area of hurtful actions.
And please..DON'T read something else into this as I am so NOT into guns, violence, physically hurting her..others..myself etc. It is just a very seriously hurtful area of which I'm ..not sure how to even word this..describe this ..very painful thought process.
Even now as I type this..I'm shaken inside of the course of action that has been laid out before me.
I've taken to Godly council. I've trembled in prayer while needing Gods providential guidance in this soul absorbing course of action.
Do we as Christians just abandon what God says in HIS Word..and just do as the world does ?
The easiest thing to do is to get the divorce papers..have irreconcilable differences headlining the divorce title and move on.
No..I have no other plans ahead.. as in someone in the waiting for this marriage to end so 'we' could be together. Not even. I have her within my heart with a commitment very much ingrained into my soul. I wasn't much of a Christian husband for that matter but..I ..I am just having so much trouble knowing what to do.
She has her life and has made it VERY obviously clear to me that she doesn't want me in it.
I don't know how divorce works as this would be a first for me. The last heated argument that we had..I yelled at her to just get the divorce papers and do it already. She stunned me with saying " Are you in a hurry to get married to another ?" That took me off guard as ..NO WAY was my unspoken response. I was thinking also.."I'm in love with you. How in the heck could I even THINK about being with someone else ???"
I only said to 'get the divorce papers' to her because I knew that she already had the papers and I don't know the law. I kept thinking that she'd put something like palimony, alimony..or whatever happens on those kind of papers. I am so in the dark about how all of this works. We had no children together. But now with the debts that I'm in ? What would it even matter.
At this time..I just don't know what to do and I hate being stuck in the ..unknowing place.
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23
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Dream from God ?
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Nov 4, 2009 11:10 am
Mood: curious,
216 Views
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Went to bed a bit early last night..well early for me as I'm usually a bit of a night owl. Heart aches can make you really really tired.
Before going off to sleep, I asked God for a dream from HIM. Anything ..just to let me know I was in all of this mess.
Usually don't remember dreams or if I dreamed at all.
Pausing here a second..I haven't had any real life dreams for years. No inspirations at all to become anything or do anything. It's an ugly place to be. Used to say to myself here in the past several years when hearing of peoples hopes and dreams " I don't have any. I wish that I did" - So, I wonder if because I didn't have any life goal/dreams..that I didn't have any dreams in my sleep that I'd remember ? Just a thought.
Ok, back to the main subject. I DID dream last night. I'm not sure if it was inspired because of my own emotional turbulence ..or..if it was from the Lord.
I had lost my wedding ring about 4 months ago or so. For real did. Found it while while packing to leave at the bottom of one of my cloths boxes. Was glad to find it under the sad circumstances though. Before I left, I slammed it down in anger on a table and left. I'm not sure what she did with it.
THE DREAM:
I was back at my wife's home. I had returned to gather some small belongings that I had left there. I had on my rumple hat and came into the bedroom searching for my wedding ring. I was having lots of trouble seeing. My right eye wouldn't open. My left eye only saw the upper part of the ceiling and nothing else. No matter how I turned..the view was only of the ceiling and upper wall. It was so MUCH brighter than I could remember. It was really frustrating that I couldn't see like normal or use my eye muscles. I went to the side of the bed where I used to sleep and sat down frustrated. I asked my wife " Where is my wedding ring ? " She answered " I threw it out."
That's the end of the dream. I woke up shaken. There was a feeling of sadness that I didn't have my wedding ring anymore.
Not really sure what to think of this but..I recall so much of it which is so not like me.
Any dream interpreters out there ? Or..should I just lay off the hot cup of teas before 9pm ?
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22
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How does one unlove another ?
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Nov 3, 2009 4:15 pm
Mood: perplexed,
142 Views
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How does one begin to unlove ones spouse of which they're separated from ?
I asked a counselor this question today as the ache within my heart doesn't seem to want to forget this woman.
You look at the movies..tv etc..and those people portray it like ..changing ones shirt, getting a haircut..taking a pee..get drunk and move on the next..etc etc..
Let's just skip the Hollywood evils of love,sex and marriage and stick to the question.
Being that this is my first marriage and only physical union of this type with a woman..How the heck ???
How do you break this commitment of heart and soul ? ..and please..save me the ole 'aww..time will heal..' cause THIS is seriously different.
The counselor I'm seeing is a devout Spirit filled Christian who's overcome addiction and..divorce himself. His answer to me was.."You never do. It'll be within you for the rest of your life"
After some prayer and Bible reading..I sat there with this hurt and question still ringing within my noggin. I'm going to love my soon to be ex wife for the rest of my life ??? Even if she's with another man physically someday ??? Even that she has had another man for a 'best friend' for some time now ??? SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME OR WANT ME !!! Logically, it's a no brainer - Forget about her pal and get a mooove on.
I should hate her. By all rights ..I should let all hell break loose on her life. Instead.. I'm concerned about her. I'm concerned about some of the interests that she's been making. I'll do about whatever it takes to make sure she's ok. I feel like such a moron but..there's that thing in the heart again. Foolish heart of mine. < sounds like an old rock song..oh yeah it is. Wonder what that guy who sang it did ? Most likely ..sex and drugs and more rocknroll. I am so screwed. I DON'T JUST WOMAN JUMP. I DON'T OVERUSE ALCOHOL. I DoN't dO drugS ! This isn't good..it just isn't good.
God heals a broken heart but..HE'll leave a space within for her ?
Hmm..No..NOT even wanting physical intimacy with her for about the first time in the years that I've known her.. but..so much want to be with her.
I just don't get it. It's not like you messed up a sandwich..dropped it and can just throw it away with no care.
I just don't get it.
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6
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Alone tonight in the rain
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Oct 28, 2009 4:38 pm
Mood: sad,
140 Views
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This is my journal. It's a moment for me to reflect in marked time of ones personal walk.. from a beginning of love to..a place in time that I haven't reached.
That place..I cannot see..or even to hope for. Does it even exist at all ? meh..I really couldn't care less anyways right now.
It is in these uncertain moments when thinking of all that has happened.. that I hold tightly to the hand of Jesus.
My personal Counselor..is HE. HE knows all. HE can see all of the cards. Every last one of them. Thus, there can be no dishonesty from my shaken thoughts that I attempt to pen out.
There is suddenly a vast chasm within my heart. The outer protective skin that housed three has been purged off leaving me gasping for breath at times.
It all seemed to happen so quickly. It seemed that way. Is one ever really prepared for that moment ? I can't say that I was. It was in the making but..inside ..so was unspoken hope.
I'm missing her really really bad tonight. It's the type of pain that seems to have no source nor relief - That is if you choose to do as Jesus did on the Cross and refuse the drink offering to numb out the heartache. Ok..I smoke ( cigarettes ) I'm not Jesus. Smokes don't stop the pain though.
Understanding is within reach and is my present teacher. HE has told me of the true cause of Christ's death. A broken heart can bring about death. I know that's what ultimately ended the life of Jesus on that cross many many years ago. That is amazing love.
HE that died of a broken heart ..is close to those of us who are in the midst of one. So really..I'm in the best of hands.
Understanding has been instructing me along the way here..grasping it is a whole nother baby.
That's going to be it for now. I just miss her.In spite of everything that has happened..I just miss my friend.
I've been told that just being able to write it out as one grieves..can help.
If anyone posts or replies..I ask that there be no "Awws" or "It'll be oks". I do welcome prayers for both she and I though.
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7
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