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How Can I Be Mad?
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Jul 3, 2007 5:19 am
Mood: amused,
392 Views
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I know that spoiling kids is wrong and I suffer from being too lenient with my kids every day, but when my 8-year-old son told me he wanted to paint...I should have listened better. He's the world's biggest VeggieTales fan...next to me and decided he wanted Bob and Larry on his wall. He did a really good job...but, I don't know if painting them directly on the wall was such a good idea.
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8
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The Longest Day.....but One of the Best!
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Jul 1, 2007 8:52 pm
Mood: happy,
418 Views
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This morning, at 8:45, I was at the church practicing for the choir numbers today. They were awesome. I can sing first soprano on the high fs and gs and it's such a rush!
We did two services and they were exhausting. There was another choir there made up of about fifty men that sang totally wonderful.....and acapella! They were amazing! But, I thought we were pretty amazing, too.
After church, I had to rush over here to the park to help Jimmy feed the homeless because they cancelled our church picnic....and I told him I'd be there as often as I could. I was starving, but was hoping to get to eat afterwards. It was amazing, though, there were so many people this week that they almost ran out of food completely! They had a lot of food, too! All I managed to get was a hotdog without the bun and a scoop of potato salad. No matter. I don't really eat all that much anyway.
I was just glad we were able to minister to so many people.
When the speaker asked if anyone wanted to pray the sinners prayer, a whole group of them recited everything he prayed out loud, right after him. I don't know if they realized or meant what they said, but if they did....there are gonna be a few more people bound for heaven after today!
After that, it was time to celebrate the birthday of one of the children in my daycare. I got my son ready to go, tried to drive him there...then got lost. I called for directions and couldn't even follow them. So, after forty-five minutes of being lost, we went home. I'll just give her her present tomorrow.
When I got back home, I fell asleep. All that activity wore me out. When I woke up, I thought it would be fun to do something special with my boys, so I took them paddleboating. Dillon, a boy that hangs around here sometimes, went with us. He'd never been paddleboating. He loved it so much, we went for a full hour....and you know, that nice boy that was working there didn't even charge me for that extra half-hour!
It was absolutely perfect weather to paddleboat. We even saw a honeymooning duck couple sitting on a log together.
Before we got to the marina, I almost got the van tipped over on its side by driving too closely to the ditch. The boys got all shook up, because it almost wouldn't go on top of that metal tunnel thing. It's really a wonder we didn't get a flat after that. God was really looking out for us!
I drove the boys home and fed them. I don't know why I thought they'd want burgers again. I guess I wasn't thinking...then I decided we just needed more groceries to choose from, so I took them all to the store and bought some. We just got hom a little while ago. I didn't even do my paperwork so I can send it in for this month. I hope I have time to tomorrow. What a long day...but it was great....except for getting lost and almost tipping the van over.
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9
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I Don't Need A Man
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Jun 30, 2007 7:45 pm
Mood: courageous,
466 Views
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I don't need a man. I told myself that a week ago...then I got one. but this time....I really mean it. i don't need a husband. I don't need to be controlled. I don't need anything. All I need is God. No more mind games. No more lies. No more worrying about anything. I don't want anything more than friendship and I'm not letting anyone tell me that I'm something I'm not. God knows who and what I am.
I'm not perfect, but I'm not letting anything sway me into thinking I need something I don't.
and I'm not stupid.........not anymore.
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8
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This Was a Bad Dream
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Jun 30, 2007 9:49 am
Mood: experimental,
338 Views
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I don't remember how it started...only that it must have been Wednesday night after choir practice because I wasn't taking care of anyone else's children but my own.
Ron was here. I remember that. He didn't leave until Thursday evening, before I took my boys to see a movie.
Cramping....not just little cramps....not menstrual cramps...bloated my stomach and weighed me down to the floor. I remember Ron telling me that I needed to get up. I was scaring the boys. But it was hard to get up. I had to force myself. The pain was too great.
Slowly, I edged my way to the basement so I could take a shower. The children would be here early the next day. I had to be ready....but when I got to the basement, I hunched over in pain, trying to keep myself on my feet. It was hard, but I leaned on the sink that didn't work. This house is so old.
Dizzy from standing, I thought about all that could go wrong within the next few days. I feared things that overtook my imagination. What if Ron was not who he claimed? What if he was only here to harm us? Why did I feel so bad for wanting him here to help me...to keep my company because I'm so isolated from the rest of the world running this business?
There was a blue book of matches in the sink. It was left there when my cousin fixed my fuses. I hadn't noticed it before. A crumpled up paper towel was left beside them. Without thinking much, but realizing that the shower was right beside the sink and knowing that the fire extinguisher was right beside me on the shelf,I picked up the matches and started lighting them, one by one, and lay them on the paper towel, watching to see if it would catch fire. Soon, I had lit every one of them, but they only turned the paper towel black. Ron had come down to see what I was doing. He had ordered a pizza for the boys, so they were happy to stay upstairs and eat.
He made sure the matches were all gone so I couldn't light any more, then went back upstairs.
This whole thing still puzzles me. Why did I do that? Am I losing it? Is is guilt? Fear? Madness?
Are the demons I allowed in my home overtaking me and causing me to suffer by consuming my body?
Or, is it something else?
I need to quit eating pizza before bed.
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1
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Help!
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Jun 29, 2007 7:01 am
Mood: confused,
361 Views
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Lord, help me see....!
I'm so confused.....
so many times,
my heart's been bruised....
I don't know how
to read between
the lines that I've
been told are seen
by those who know
how to discern
the truth from lies.
I never learn.
It seems that I
can only see
the world as it's
in front of me.
Please help me, Lord,
to learn what's true!
Don't let my will
come before YOU!
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2
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Thank You .....for commenting
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Jun 28, 2007 12:15 pm
Mood: worried,
372 Views
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I just wanted everyone to know that even though I had to delete those last two blogs, I do appreciate what was said. I still don't know what to do....but Ron has agreed to stay in a motel tonight. I could have been overreacting earlier...I don't know.
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2
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YEAH! BLOGTIME!
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Jun 24, 2007 8:33 pm
Mood: good,
370 Views
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Now that I'm here, I have sooo much to record. I would never have believed these events didn't happen if I hadn't experienced them...and sometimes, everything just happens so fast, it's just making my head spin.
The true, dizzy blonde....that's me!
I guess I'll start with September....yeah, that was a long time ago, but, if I don't start with September, everyone's gonna think I'm even crazier than I am.
Back in September, I started noticing that Ron, fun12006, here at bigchurch, wrote Christian poetry, like I do...so I became curious about him. We exchanged information and I never really thought I would see him because he lived in Washington and I live in Kansas. I never really thought I would meet Jimmy,(Jesusfreak) either because he is from South Carolina...yet, both of them are here and this afternoon, we all worked together to feed the homeless in the park. It was the strangest feeling I ever had to know that if I hadn't talked to them or met them, they wouldn't be here...but, I'm not taking credit. I mean, this whole thing was Jimmy's idea.
He gave a good sermon about God telling Abraham to sacrifice Isaac after promising him his descendents would be as numerous as the stars. He didn't mention this, but it dawned on me that God had it planned all along that Isaac wouldn't have to die....and to me, it seems like God was telling Abraham to do it...not only to test his obedience, but also to show him what it would feel like to sacrifice his only son....just like God sacrificed His Son for us years later!
I've been running Ron all over the place this weekend. We just got back from eating a huge dinner out and this morning I took him to our church....like I told him I wanted to show him way back in September. And I was right! He loved it! I sang my heart out in choir and all kinds of people welcomed him. I LOVE the songs we sing!
When we started singing,"Blessed be the Name" this time, Ron stood up with me....then everyone did and it was just awesome.
Yesterday, Ron and I took the boys to the waterpark to swim. They both got so sunburned they were stil miserable today. I put sunscreen on them, too!
After the waterpark, we went to the musicfest at our church. It was great. There was food and we played Bingo with words from the musicals we did and watched slides of our choir and praise teams singing. Ron met some people there.
We did the grocery shopping at midnight Saturday morning. I had never seen Walmart so bare. It was just weird.
Something pretty awkward happened today at the park...Tony, one of the men that always came to eat when we serve on Saturday, told me that he came because he knew I would be there. He told me that he wanted to get to know me...and maybe go for a walk together. He didn't realize Ron was with me. I was at a loss for words, though, because people were standing around and I know they could hear him, so I told him I didn't know what to say, and that this wasn't a very good time to talk. I don't even know him...I mean, I saw him three times there, but well, it was awkward...
My dad came by this morning to mow. I was dressed for church in the new beige dress I got last week and he told me something I don't know if I can forget. He told me I looked great, then he said..."just make sure the flower attracts the right kinds of butterflies..." Funny, at my age he's warning me about men. I know he used to tell me things like that when I was young....it just seemed sort of strange to hear it now that I'm almost forty-two.
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1
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Please, Let Them Be Late, Today!
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Jun 21, 2007 6:02 am
Mood: good,
350 Views
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I know it probably seems like a selfish little plea, but I think I find myself praying every day that the kids will be just a little bit late so I can get just one more thing done before they arrive at my home daycare.
Doing double-shifts leaves me very little, if any, time to myself, so I barely have time to blog.
Yesterday, I took them to the zoo again after shooing them outside all morning so I could leave the house clean before we left. It wasn't easy.
It was ninety degrees yesterday and neither of my boys wanted to go to the zoo with a bunch of little kids...especially after Fallon broke Christopher's charger to his gameboy. He was pretty upset about that. When I told him we'd go look for another one before we got there, he was more cooperative. Zach was a different story, though, and he complained a lot during our trip.
Especially, when I took them to ride the train. I guess the boys have outgrown zoo train rides. That could be a good thing since the price went up to a buck a person.
The younger kids enjoyed it, though.
After our zoo trip, everyone was pretty tired, so Chris let them play with his play station till they left. I thought that was very considerate of him.
Even before Melanie left, I had to start supper. Her dad is picking her up later and later every day. He asked me out to dinner yesterday....yeah, like I would really go. No thank you. I think he just likes it that I don't complain when he picks her up late.
After she finally left, I fixed spaghetti, thinking Blake was staying for dinner, but his mom came just as I was serving him.
My own boys gobbled up their dinner, then I got them in the car so I could go to choir practice. I have my voice back completely and can hit a high F! The songs we're doing are really high this time.
After choir, since I bribed the boys with a sundae to get them out the door, we went and got one. Then, at nine, at night, we went to Walmart to find the charger Fallon broke and get a few groceries since I was running low on food. Yesterday was entirely too long....but, hey, it's life.
They're here now! Perfect timing!
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1
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No Title Till My Coffee Kicks In
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Jun 20, 2007 6:17 am
Mood: good,
357 Views
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Blake's staying twelve hours today. So far, so good. He's not a big problem. It's just that Wednesdays are usually not as busy as aome days. I just hope I can make it to choir practice on time.
When you do childcare from your home, people assume that you never leave your home at all and that you don't need time without anyone else's kids....but, tomorrow, I'm outta here with my boys before six...to do ANYTHING.
the walls are caving in.....
but, I'm very glad that Kharys is okay. Her mom brought her last night and she didn't even have a bruise. I gave her a bottle, but her down for a nap, and when she woke up, I taught her how to make sandwiches...(I'm sure she learned a lot at four months!)
I didn't put her down at all for about an hour and when her dad picked her up, she wouldn't take her eyes off me. She loves being carried....it's probably like a rollercoaster ride for her when I carry her since I'm always moving.
After those kids left, around seven, Sierre still slept for quite awhile. That's really unusual for her. Zach made a whole little world on our playground...with rock pancakes and grass spaghetti...maybe he's going to be a cook! It was fun remembering that I used to do the same thing when I was his age...and fun playing with him for a little bit.
I took Sierre outside and fed her her babyfood out there on a blanket....then, something stung her foot and it swelled up pretty bad! I didn't know what to do for a sting, so I just tried to comfort her. Her grandma told me her dad was allergic to bee stings. I'm glad she wasn't.
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7
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Life Is Way Too Risky
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Jun 19, 2007 6:04 am
Mood: scared,
352 Views
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I don't know how nonchristians can ever make it through life. It's just so unpredictable. How can they possibly keep from going insane if they don't have Jesus to lean on...to go to when the going gets tough...to praise when good things happen? Life is just way too risky. I know I'd never make it if I didn't know that God had it all planned out and under His control.
Yesterday, one little girl arrived without underwear on. I noticed when she laid on the floor...and she was wearing a skirt! Funny, though, Saturday, I found some church sales and stocked up on children's clothes because they were selling them for a dime an article. All of the smaller children's drawers are full of extra clothes. I even found four dresses for myself that are really pretty!
Later, I was called by one of my clients to take care of her children unexpectedly. Usually, I don't take care of them on Mondays. I had just put some chicken wings in the crockpot for dinner and wondered who was going to help us eat them all!
The Nutrition lady called and said she needed to have a visit with me, so she came while the kids were having dinner to record everything and make sure I was caught up on my paperwork. Funny, she came after I had already planned everything out and I used to wait to record what we ate after we ate it.
Something terrible happened after she left, though. I put Kharys in her carseat and set it up on the table so I could feed her cereal because she can't sit up in a high chair yet. I didn't latch her in because I didn't think she could wiggle out. I found out the hard way that she can. Because she did. She threw a fit, pulled herself up and tipped her carseat and herself over onto the floor. I felt terrible for letting that happen. I didn't realize she was able to roll so well. As soon as it happened, her dad came to pick the kids up. I told him and he seemed understanding, but I could tell he was worried and upset.
I was, too. Especially after it sank in that it happened. She has a little bruise on her head now. After an hour of cleaning up and trying to settle Sierre down because she was still here, I called Kharys' dad to see if she was okay or if he was going to take her to the emergency room. No answer. I thought he really must be mad. I left a message telling him that I would cover the cost if she needed to go because it happened here because I should have strapped her in.
Then, Sierre's dad came. No one told me he was supposed to pick her up, so I called her grandma, because she just told me before she left that she hated her kids. She didn't have time to go into detail, but I told her she didn't mean that.
I managed to get a hold of her, and she told me that she forgot to tell me he was picking her up. Then, she changed her mind and told me to keep her here til she got off work.
I had to take Sierre with me to go to Kharys' house to see if she was okay. Her dad was putting her to sleep and told me that she was fine and that he wasn't mad because it could have happened anywhere. Lord, I pray that you'll watch over Kharys and heal whatever hurts her. Please, help me to be more aware of what measures need to be taken so nothing like this ever happens again! Amen.
A few blogs ago, I mentioned a man I met last week. I asked God to open my eyes about his intentions. He claimed to be Nazarene, carried a Bible with him, prayed before we ate...but a couple of nights ago he told me his beliefs were more liberal than mine. He told me he didn't believe that premarital sex was wrong if it was consential. I showed him verses in the Old and New Testaments and realized that what he said clearly told me what his intentions were with me.
God's really looking out for me...even though what this guy said ticked me off. And I'm grateful, now, that when people say rude things, I don't have to take them offensively, but realize that they're letting me know where they're coming from and where they're going.
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6
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To link to this blog (chardshan) use [blog chardshan] in your messages.
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