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Post #1014
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Jul 10, 2009 3:06 pm
Mood: depressed,
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That's what number post this is... 1014. That's a lot of posts, but I guess I could have written more, if I hadn't been so busy, lately. I mean, it IS Friday, and the last post I wrote was Sunday. I WAS going to write more, earlier this week, but my son was making some stop-motion animation techniques. That's pretty much all he ever wants to do, so he's pretty good at it.
I can't describe how exhausted I am.
I got up before six, started cleaning up some messes around here I've sort of neglected because I've been busy with these garage sales I've been having, then started dragging everything out of the garage again so I could do it again, today. I made over two hundred bucks selling stuff, but, really, didn't get as much for the stuff I sold as I could have gotten if I was Dad. He's really good about knowing what stuff is worth.
Zach did sell his cucumbers and made a few dollars. He was pretty happy about that. I bought twenty-four bags of cookies and brownies for a quarter a bag and sold a few for fifty cents, too...but I don't think we profited from that since we ate most of them. They were really good!
At least, I got rid of a lot. I still have so many toys. I spent a long time bagging them in clear ziplock baggies so people would pick up five or six of them at a time. This is working pretty good because little girls will see the bags with Barbies and clothes and furniture or little boys will see a bag with cars and planes and know what they're getting without having to look around too long.
Someone asked me for some lesson plans, so I spent hours trying to get those together. I have millions of lesson plans I wasn't ever able to use because the kids were too small, or mainly wanted to play at the park.
I'm glad I had that ad in the paper. That really helped. I'm just not sure I came out ahead since that cost money, too.
It seems like I work so hard for so little...dragging everything out, cleaning everything, pricing everything, then selling everything for less than I paid for it, usually, but, if I just have one more sale next week, maybe the car seats. cribs and high chairs will be gone. I can always donate the books. if I need to.
Last night, I heard some more bad news. Jimmy and his wife are splitting up. I don't see how our mission to witness and feed the homeless will be able to go on.
It seems like everything good is ending. Maybe I should go back to my old church. I thought going to this one that's close would be a chance for me to help with their music and be closer to our park ministry, but the park ministry won't thrive if their marriage isn't.
The pastor of this closer church doesn't seem to want me to help with the music, or he would have talked with me more about it. He's pretty excited about his wife's pregnancy, so I think it's hard for him to think about anything else. He showed us a sonogram, Sunday.
I asked their youth director to contact my boys to get them interested in their youth group, too, but they haven't... and my sons won't go with me to this church, either.
I wish I knew what God wanted from me. I just don't feel very strong right now.
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At The Park
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Jul 5, 2009 8:46 pm
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After I went to church, I gathered all of the meal and attendance sheets for the nutrition program I was enrolled in. I had told another provider I'd give her my extra stuff that I didn't need anymore. Maybe she'll come by tomorrow to get it.
I went over to the park emptyhanded, but there was enough food to feed the homeless this time. Marie had printed out some music and I did know the songs, so I led the singing, again.
Usually, I'm afraid I'll say something I shouldn't, if I say anything, so I just sing...but I just felt so happy to be able to sing praise that I had to say something, today.
I must have said the right thing, too, because some of the people started thanking God right then. I just said that we're so blessed to live in a country where we can meet together and praise God, right out in the open, like we do at the park, when, in so many countries people are killed for believing in Jesus. I've been reading the Voice of the Martyrs news they send me. It's just terrible what Christians have to endure in some countries.
One man testified before we ate. He had just accepted Christ into his life last week. It scared me when he told us he had even commited murder, but knew that he was forgiven. I guess I never thought of the homeless as dangerous, before.
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Don't Read This if You Don't Want to be Blessed.
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Jul 5, 2009 8:36 am
Mood: blessed,
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Yesterday was the best Independence Day I've ever had. It didn't start out that way, at all...and I wasn't sure I was even going to celebrate. I mean, seeing fireworks gets old after awhile, and trying to fight the traffic after the lake's display isn't a whole lot of fun.....but, last night GOD FOLLOWED ME EVERYWHERE!
Yeah, I know. God is with us no matter where we are. I'd sure be lost not knowing that was true. It's just that, sometimes I can sense Him being there more than others.
I'll start with what happened after we got out of the house.
My garage sale didn't work out so well yesterday. I did make over $150, but that was just on Thursday and Friday. Saturday didn't bring anything. No one came. I think that's because there just wasn't anyone having to come down our street since it was Independence Day...so no one knew I was having the sale.
I'm going to advertise for next week and get rid of EVERYTHING.
Now, to the rest of the day. I took the boys to get a burger, since they were begging to get out the house. They tend to get a little stir crazy if they're here too long. I thought I ought to make them go somewhere so they didn't kill each other.
After they ate, we went to the dollar movie to see "Monsters VS Aliens."
I didn't really think I'd like that movie, BUT I LOVED IT! I mean, I know it's just a cartoon. but because the heroine of the story was just like me....a humble, doormat-type, woman who was willing to do anything to make her fiance happy, even though it meant she was just bound to end up in his shadow, allowing him to be even more selfish than he already was....she learned that she was stronger than she thought she was. She discovered she didn't need him.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not malebashing. I'm just saying that marriage has to be a give and take...not just one person getting everything he or she wants. That's all been said before, so I'll get off that subject.
Even though I didn't take my cell with me or any camera, I decided to take the boys to the lake. We stopped at a game store to get Chris his birthday present, first. He was pretty happy.
Zach wasn't. He refused to get out of the back of the van so I could drive until I found a camera for him to use.
When I finally talked him into getting out of the back, I couldn't get him to get back in the van. I even had to start driving away from him while he was still in the parking lot before he decided I was serious about leaving him there.
After we got to the lake and found a place to sit on the dam, the boys agreed to stay put if I went jogging on the trail. They were right on the trail, so I knew I'd be able to find them. Lots of other people were on the dam. It was so refreshing to run on the lake trail. The weather was cool and windy. The lake was beautiful.
What happened next, though....was so awesome!Right where we sat, people started surrounding us. At first, I was uncomfortable. I didn't know these people. They didn't know us. Why, I thought, did they choose our spot to put up their chairs to watch the fireworks?
A few seconds later, though, one kid, maybe aged fifteen or sixteen, pulled out a guitar and started singing praise songs! I knew the first one, "I Will WAlk By Faith....even when I cannot see....because this broken road...shows the way for me..."
I sang with him, but I don't think anyone heard me. I'm not very loud.
I requested some praise songs for him, but he didn't know all the words to some of them, It was awesome listening to him, though. He played really well!
I found out he's from Oklahoma.
When it started sprinkling, the boy put his guitar away. I jogged back to the van to find an umbrella, but the rain had stopped after I got there.
By the time I got back to where we were sitting, the fireworks show was almost over. That was okay, though. I had more fun running, than sitting...but my story isn't over.
When I got the boys to the van, there was a man and a woman in their 50s, probably, and they had a motorcycle, parked beside us.
The woman fell over, onto her back, and couldn't get back up.
I got out of my seat, rushed over to help her, then realized there was something really wrong with her. She had brain damage and couldn't get herself to do what she wanted to do.
I noticed that they couldn't get her on the motorcycle, and that it wouldn't start, so I offered to give her a ride. I didn't know they would accept, but I'm glad they did.
The woman was in a serious car accident in 1974. She told me she was in a coma for five months. She was hurt so bad that she couldn't even walk straight....but the amazing thing was, SHE STILL PRAISED GOD! She recognized that God saved her and she was so grateful that he gave her a child. Her story was amazing and I feel so blessed that I was able to give her a ride to hear it!
I told her I was in a coma when I was in a car accident as a child and that God was always taking care of me, too.
I think this was the best Independence Day I've ever had...but that's because I know I'm free to listen to Christian music, and free to hear and speak about Jesus...STAY WITH ME, JESUS!
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When the Rain Stops
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Jul 3, 2009 7:03 am
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When the rain stops, I'm going back outside to get our garage sale set up again. Mary helped me set it up, yesterday and I made $65. That's really not bad since I didn't even have a sign...just neighbors walking by. My dad told the boys about Craig's list, online, so they took some pictures and set me up for today. I just have to decide to get myself out there when it stops raining since we scooted everything into the garage.
I have so much stuff to get rid of, I'll probably have to have ten garage sales.
What's sort of cool, though, is that this lady drove by, wanting to buy everything for her flea market. Funny, since that's where most of it came from.She's supposed to come back and give me a price. I don't want to get less than I could get selling the stuff individually. I'll need that money.
I don't know why, but I really feel like God wants me to sell almost everything and get down to the basics. When I see all the clutter, I think...wow, I really neglected that verse..."Don't store up treasures on earth where moth and rust destroy..." and even though I didn't pay full price for very much of my stuff, I've wasted so much money buying toys and books and videos...that I can't even think straight.
It's time to try to get rid of it. The rain stopped.
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The Past Two Happy Days
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Jul 1, 2009 3:08 pm
Mood: a little amused, and a little,
279 Views
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I'm just trying to enjoy the time I have left with the kids I'll never see again in a couple of days. The end of the month was the end of Melanie's time with me, so she wasn't here, today. I took her to the zoo and the carousel, yesterday and sat with her on the horse. The older kids rode it, too, but I think this was probably Melanie's first time. I wish I could take her again.
She was really glad we got to go to the zoo, again, too. Cole came over, so he went with us. I'm beginning to think there's some kind of telescope at his house and he's spying on us, because he always seems to know when we're going out somewhere to have fun. It seems like he comes over at just the time we're leaving, to see if he can go. Usually, he does.
While we were at the zoo, we saw two tortoises mating. If you've never seen anything like that, you're missing out...I never knew tortoises made any noise, but the sound the male tortoise was making was so strange. It sounded like he was saying..."wow, wow, wow..."
I don't think I'll ever get that out of my head. Chris taped it with my cell phone and says he's going to put it online.
Today, I just had Mary, here, plus my boys, so I took them all paddleboating. It was such a beautiful day. I think it was even better that we took our picnic basket and ate lunch on the boat.
It wasn't enough for the boys, though, so I got them a hot dog, afterward, at a convenience store.
I took Mary for a walk on the trail, at the lake. The boys didn't want to go, so they waited for us at the park. I didn't realize there were so many geese and ducks there. Next time, we're bringing bread for them. It's fun to feed them.
I have a lot of mixed feelings about the future. In a way, I'll be glad I won't be under the criticism of the State, anymore, but I'll miss the fun I've had with the kids. I know this is an opportunity to try something new, but I just don't know what will
happen. It scares me.
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Sitting here, blogging
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Jun 30, 2009 6:06 am
Mood: dumpy,
281 Views
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I've been working my tail off, so haven't had any time to record anything. I don't know how much time I have for this, now, but, here goes.
I didn't go to the party at our church. After I blogged, I took a long nap, then had all kinds of energy. That was a good thing, because the couch and loveseat were on the porch. I had to move our other couch and loveseat into another room to make room for them. The piano had to be moved to the porch, too.
Here's the crazy part...when I moved the rug, so I could slide the piano across the room and out the door, it got caught on the rug. This was a very bad thing. I tried to scoot it off the rug, but it toppled over onto it's back! How, in the world, could a 130 pound woman lift a piano from that position?
I ran over to my next-door neighbor's house and they all probably had a lot of questions when I told them I tipped our piano over. At least, Kevin came over and helped me tip it back up and get it out the door. I wasn't sure we would be able to lift it without more help, but we did.
That piano was heavy!
The couch was still on the porch, but I wanted it inside, so after Kevin left I tipped the couch up onto it's arm and tried to squeeze it through the door...but Kevin saw what I was trying to do and came over again to help. I was pretty satisfied that everything seemed to fit. I still have to get the old couch and loveseat through the door so I can sell them, but that can wait until next week.
On Sunday, I went to church at the one three blocks away and found my friend, Victor, from my other church. I told him what I was going through.
I was able to talk to the pastor about helping with their music. I think he's waiting to make sure I'll stick around. I told him I wasn't going anywhere.
Victor agreed to come feed the homeless with my friends and me, again. I just took a salad, but there were more people than ever who came and they ate absolutely everything. There wasn't enough for any of the servers.
I led the songs, again.
One of the women from the mission is starting to teach the kids while the sermon is being preached, so I gave her some books and coloring pages she could use. I hope they help.
Yesterday, after I took a nap, KSdad came over to help me figure out whether or not to send the letter I wrote to the State. He advised me not to, but to write another one so it isn't like I'm agreeing to what they're accusing me of. I hope I can find some time to do that, tonight.
I tried to get the boys to go to the Y with me, but they refused. Because I feel so helpless and not in control of anything that's happening and what I want to see happen, my workouts have been more vigorous. I just feel like I have to push and push because nothing else is really working out.
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God Sends Angels
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Jun 27, 2009 4:33 pm
Mood: sort of resolved,
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My daughter's roommate asked her parents to bring the furniture she was selling me to my house. They did, just a few hours ago. They carried it to the porch for me and weren't going to let me pay them for it...but I insisted.
I told her mom about my troubles with the State and losing my license and how they added things that weren't even true to the accusations they made against me, because she went through something similar. She wasn't happy that I knew about all that, but I really think she was trying to help in what she told me...that she understood I was hurt and angry since everything had just happened, but that I need to just pray, because God will take care of everything. I know that. I mean, God always does work everything out. But I guess I just needed her to tell me what she did....about focusing on how happy God can make me, instead of becoming angry and bitter against those who I believe were against me from the beginning. She told me I could call her if she wanted me to be a blessing in her life, but that we couldn't talk about what happened to either of us because it would just upset us both.
Maybe there's more to the story that I don't know about, but I don't need to find out what it is. I'm not going to call her, simply because I don't see how I could avoid this new commonality we share...but I'm going to do what she said and focus on being grateful that God gave me this great opportunity to be what He really created me for....and I don't think it was to stay in the stench of dirty diapers any more.
I think He wants more for me and more from me. I do believe everything happens for a reason. I do believe that things can be so much better if I just sit back and trust Him and let Him hold me through all this. That doesn't mean I'm not going to try to find work, because I am...as soon as I can rid myself of all the clutter I don't need in my life. If I can't sell it, it's going to the mission.
God sent me another angel to help me out today. KsDad took me to get groceries where I can get them for less money than anywhere else, here. I only had to spend a little for all I bought, and I think the clerk gave me a deal because I told her I only had so much and to make sure I didn't spend more than I had.
My son even found a bike pump for half the price it would have cost somewhere else. One of the kids had broken my other one and my tire needed air. I think God put it in his view because we were just looking for one last week.
Hey, I'm supposed to be at a celebration! My new church is having a party! I have to go.
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All Night In the ER
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Jun 27, 2009 12:28 pm
Mood: very fatigued,
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I tried to go to bed around eleven. That's usually around the time I just can't stay awake anymore. Last night, though, Zach woke me up, screaming that his intestines were coming out. I knew that was physically impossible, but since he was in so much pain, I called the hospital to ask them what to do.
The nurse said to bring him in.
I was hesitating, but decided that if something was terribly wrong, I would regret not taking him...so he woke up Chris and we all went to the hospital.
Zach really thought he was going to die. I tried to assure him that he wasn't, but we waited for three hours until he was finally seen.They did x-rays, drew blood, and we all tried to assure him that he would be okay.
They weren't done with him until seven this morning.
When I called his dad to tell him what happened and about the terrible sunburn Zach has, he suggested that a really bad burn could dehydrate someone. So, I'm glad I took him.
He's probably going to sleep the rest of the day, too.
While we were at the ER, we met a couple that had a baby there, crying who hadn't slept at all for two days. I passed him on the way to the x-ray department and asked his mom how he was doing. She told me they found two ulcers in his throat. Poor baby. Please, keep him in your prayers. Zach's recovering now, but please pray for him, too.
Maybe soon I'll find out what they found in the blood tests.
They said his white blood count was high, but I'm not sure what that means.
I guess I better figure out a way to get the boys off the couches. My daughter said that her roommate's parents are bringing the furniture in a little bit.
You know, it's a good thing I didn't wait until today to cut the grass and paint the bathroom. I got the front yard done and almost all the bathroom. You never know when something like this is going to happen to make it impossible or really difficult to do things you could have done the night before. Am I making any sense? Two hours of sleep just isn't enough for me.
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New Beginnings All Around
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Jun 26, 2009 5:50 am
Mood: sad,
307 Views
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Zach's garden is really taking off. I've already been able to eat some of the cucumbers...although my dad said we could have left them on the vine a little longer. Zach gets excited about picking them.
I ran out of green paint to finish painting our yellow room green, but did get half of it done. With the walls green, we'll be able to move the furniture anywhere if we want to make our green screen on a different wall. Since the walls aren't the same distance from the camera, I think this will help.
I've tried to box up some of our books so we can sell them or give them away. It doesn't make sense keeping so many books that won't be read anymore. Every time I pick up a children's book, though, I think of all the times I've spent reading particular books to particular children. Every time I find one I've read to different kids a lot, I just can't seem to box it up. I feel like I have to keep it and I put it back on the shelf.
I know it's crazy to become attached to children's books. I mean, I must have well over a thousand and every time we move I wish I didn't...but I'm going to have to give some of them up. I picked out a bunch to give to the kids when they leave for good.
My daughter told me her roommate is going to sell her furniture to me. It will be great to get rid of this stuff I have since it's always clashed with everything. The boys aren't happy about my decision, because they like to sleep on this ugly furniture...but I just want to change everything. I don't want any reminders of the life I'm leaving behind. I don't even want our carpet. The kids ruined it, anyway.
It probably would have been better if I'd stayed at the other church to have some support during this time, but something is telling me I need to hold on to this church that I went to as a child. Gas costs are going back up, anyway.
Only a few more days until the children I care for now are gone. Only four more for one, only six for the other two. My life will never be the same without them. All this time with one family...seven years...and three years with another. All of it, gone. And a little girl I met last summer won't be part of my life, anymore, either. Gone. Everyone, gone.
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Tons of Work To Do
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Jun 23, 2009 5:36 am
Mood: not sure,
273 Views
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I got this idea while I was taking a shower this morning. I mean, I knew I would have to sell all this kids stuff I have all over my house and in the yard and basement....but I was thinking I can't do it all by myself. I mean, if push comes to shove, I can, but it will be easier with help...so I'm going to ask some of the people from the mission to help, I think. I mean, we do feed them, so they might be willing to lend a hand. I don't know. It's just an idea. I do need to recruit some help from somewhere.
Our garden is starting to grow. Zach is really excited about it. He wants to sell our produce. If we grow enough, he might make a few dollars.
Yesterday, Zach was really busy making things to give Chris for his birthday. He did a great job with what he made. He reminds me of my dad....so good at doing so many different things.
Chris is getting depressed. He's doesn't like so much change at once. I don't blame him.
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