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Darren Sep 16, 2008 2:41 am
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Please pray got my nephew Darren... bloodclots
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Internet relationships Sep 15, 2008 3:43 am
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Khalid Sohail

Even twenty years ago it was hard to imagine that people from the basements of their houses would be able to connect with hundreds, thousands even millions of people all over the world through their magical internet connections. There is no doubt that the internethas revolutionized how we communicate with the rest of the world. It has taken the role that newspapers, radios and televisions used to play and pushed it a step further. Internet encounters are living proof that we have become a part of a global village as the internet transcends provincial, national and international borders and boundaries.

Being a practicing psychotherapist I have met many men and women who have been suffering because of the consequences of hurtful internet affairs and sexual abuse and I have been trying to help them deal with and heal from the emotional pain caused by such interactions. When I review all the personal and professional encounters with internet relationships and try to understand the psychology of such relationships, I strongly feel that such relationships can be divided in five distinct groups. There can be others that are a combination of those five groups. We can see them on a spectrum from healthy and enjoyable to unhealthy and painful.

Internet Friendships

Internet friendships are the healthiest. In such relationships those men and women connect who cannot meet each other physically because of geographical distances. Such men and women share common interests, hobbies and passions. As time passes their relationships evolve and they become part of a creative network that not only support and inspire but also challenge each other in a constructive way.

Internet Dating

Internet dating is a mixed blessing. It provides an opportunity to those shy or socially isolated men and women who cannot meet their partners in real life. Different internet dating services arrange blind dates. While some people find a suitable mate there are many who feel quite frustrated with the process. Some also lose thousands of dollars as some agencies charge large fees to provide such services.

Emotionally-dependent relationships

Internet relationships enter a slippery slope when one or both parties are emotionally needy and desperate. In the beginning the relationship provides a lot of support and fills the emotional vacuum but over a period of time one party becomes more and more demanding and the other party with all the good intentions cannot keep up with the need. It is not uncommon for the needy person to project their unfulfilled desires and dreams and get involved in an emotional affair. This is quite tricky if one or both parties are involved in monogamous and committed relationships as their partners can perceive such relationships as affairs and feel jealous. I have met many such couples in my practice in which one spouse insisted it was just friendship while the other spouse insisted it was an affair and it was difficult to change their individual perspectives.

Internet extra-marital affairs

In these internet relationships unhappy and distressed spouses choose to have extra-marital affairs or those men and women who do not believe in monogamous relationships choose to meet other available men and women. In such cases it is not uncommon for them to arrange to meet each other for romantic and sexual affairs. I met a few cases in which the affairs became more significant than the marriages and spouses divorced each other marrying the person they met on the internet. It is not uncommon for the faithful spouse to feel angry, hurt and betrayed. I was involved in many discussions where one spouse defined an affair in sexual terms while the other defined it in emotional terms and felt that secret relationships were affairs.

Internet abuse

These relationships are most unhealthy and painful. It is not uncommon for some men and women to conceal their identity and present themselves of different gender, age or marital status and have an affair based on a series of lies. The other party continues the internet relationships in innocence and then sooner or later finds out the reality. In many case the person is traumatized and in some cases has a breakdown. I know a young woman who was so obsessed with an older writer that she took three female and two male identities pretending to write from different countries of the world to interact with him. I met a number of young girls who thought they were interacting with other teenagers and later on found out that they were interacting with adults. Many parents are genuinely concerned, as they do not want their innocent children to be the victims of sexual abuse. In some communities police is getting involved to protect children from such internet abuse.

As a student of human psychology I feel that the mystery of internet relationships stimulates people’s imagination and they start the relationships where reality merges with fantasy. If both parties are pursuing the dialogue with good conscience then it enriches the relationship but if one or both parties are emotionally desperate or delinquent and interact with bad conscience then the chances of emotional hurt and pain is more.

Internet relationships can also be affected by the rapidity of the exchange. In many internet dialogues and interactions it is not uncommon for strangers to have multiple heated and emotionally charged exchanges in a short time. It is amazing to see how such exchanges can bring out the best and the worst in people and when the dark side starts to surface then people are vulnerable to be emotionally bruised and friendships are vulnerable to suffer temporarily or permanently. Some socially conscious websites make sure that their members are not abused by other members and have high ethical standards and independent and powerful mediators..

There are a number of psychotherapists who are seriously exploring the possibility of internet psychotherapy. But the practice is in its infancy and genuine therapists are concerned, as they do not want to make the lives of their clients worse if not better. Internet psychotherapy also compromises the confidentiality of patients, as therapists do not know who is reading their letters. They are aware that the discipline of psychotherapy is so delicate that internet exchange can be misunderstood and misinterpreted by patients. On the other hand internet can provide an opportunity for those patients to get therapy who could not get help by walking into a therapist’s house because of their shy personality or geographical distance. It seems as if internet relationships are a blessing as well as a curse. Internet like any other medium is as useful or hurtful as the people who use it. It is a privilege but it also comes with certain responsibilities.

Whether as friends, lovers or therapists those people who respect the power of words and feelings of other human beings benefit a lot from it. On the other hand it can be a dangerous tool in the hands of frustrated, angry and bitter people. Since internet is new to us we are not fully aware of its impact on human psychology. I am optimistic that as we become more experienced as internet users we would be able to increase its usefulness and decrease its abuse. Internet relationships are a new chapter in human evolution and are gradually developing its own dynamics and identity. As such relationships grow we hope we become wiser and enrich our personal, romantic and professional lives and points of view.
6 Comments
Eight Contrasts Between Unhealthy and Healthy Relationships ..CBN Sep 15, 2008 3:38 am
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– A healthy heart can enter into healthy relationships. Healthy relationships are central to recovery for romance, relationship, and sex addicts. Recovery without healthy relationships only perpetuates the sinful self-obsession that led to addiction in the first place. In recovery we must learn to shift our focus, thus becoming free to share intimacy with others.

A healthy heart involved in healthy relationships is the precise opposite of addiction. Addiction maintains a secret life marked by fear and control. Genuine love, on the other hand, is marked by openness, trust, and the freedom to give oneself to another. Addictive behavior is a deceptive substitute whose effects last but a moment.

There are many contrasts between healthy and unhealthy relationships. Taken together they chart a continuum between the secular model and the biblical model. Understanding these contrasts can help us understand how healthy relationships work – and how we can grow toward them as part of the recovery process.

1. Reality vs. Fantasy. Healthy relationships are based in reality. Each person is aware of his own strengths and weaknesses. There is no need to hide or to try to fool the other. Each person is also aware of the other’s strengths and weaknesses. There is no need to pretend that problems don’t exist or to tiptoe around “unmentionable” areas. If the partner is weak in some area, he or she accepts it and helps accommodate or strengthen it.

Unhealthy relationships, by contrast, are based on fantasy. What could be or should be replaces what is. The elements of unreality become the focus. The relationship is built on a foundation that isn’t really there.

2. Completing vs. Finding Completion. In a healthy relationship, each person finds joy in sharing in the other person’s growth, in playing a role in “completing” the other.

In an unhealthy relationship the focus is on completing oneself. This selfish dynamic is at the heart of codependency. Too many people fling half a person into a relationship, expecting that it will be completed by the other. It never works. No one can ever meet such expectations. It is only a matter of time until substitutes are sought – either in the form of other relationships or in the form of dysfunctional and addictive behaviors.

3. Friendship vs. Victimization. A healthy relationship can be described as two good friends becoming better friends. The strongest and most successful relationships – even the most passionate and romantic marriages – have this kind of true friendship at the base. Where this base of true friendship is absent, the relationship is shallow and susceptible to being marked by victimization.

4. Sacrifice vs. Demand for Sacrifice. Few of the magazines that clutter the checkout counters of grocery stores publish articles extolling the joys of sacrifice. But no relationship can grow without it. Unfortunately, most of us are more accustomed to demanding sacrifice from our partner than to sacrificing our selves.

It’s one thing to love another when the going is easy. But character and depth are wrought in a relationship when love requires the surrender of preference and privilege. Nothing strengthens a relationship like sacrifice. Indeed, it often seems that the greater the sacrifice, the more thorough the death to self, the greater the potential for the relationship.

Our relationship with God requires sacrifice. His relationship with us required nothing less than the sacrifice of his Son, Jesus Christ. Building a relationship – or restoring one that has been ravaged by the effects of addiction – depends on the willingness of both parties to sacrifice for each other, without demanding anything in return.

5. Forgiveness vs. Resentment. Forgiveness is a miraculous gift between two people. A relationship flourishes when we are willing to forgive past hurts and disappointments. Refusing to forgive is like carrying around a garbage bag full of hurts of the past. Every time someone makes a mistake, we toss it into the bag and carry it with us forever.

There are no garbage bags in healthy relationships. Out of love, the partners take the hurt and disappointment of the past and burn it up in the flames of forgiveness. What greater gift can we give someone than to set them free from the weight of their mistakes? When we unlock others from a past they cannot correct, we free them to become all they can become, and we free our relationships to become all they can becomes as well.

6. Security vs. Fear. Security is a rare commodity in our world. Often people come from such insecure childhoods they can only hope that their adult life will include a relationship that allows them to rest in the arms of someone who really cares. So much of life is lived on the edge of risk, we feel an overwhelming need for at least one relationship to make us feel safe.

The Bible says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:1. When we shift from trying to use others to satisfy our security needs to trying to meet the security needs of others, we find ourselves in a new dimension. We are focusing on their needs, not ours. We are filling their doubts and fears with the reassurance of our consistent behavior. We calm their fears by being reliable. We become, in a word, loving: other-focused and totally selfless. That is the kind of love that drives out fear and provides genuine security.

7. Vulnerability vs. Defensiveness. In a secure environment, a person is free to open up and be vulnerable. It is wonderful to be vulnerable, to do an emotional free fall and have someone there to catch you. That delightful taste of vulnerability enables you to open up even more, discover more about who you are, appreciate all the good that God has created in you.

In a relationship characterized by fear, just the opposite happens. There is a need to build up a wall of defensiveness. If you do not protect yourself, after all, you will be violated, robbed of your identity, controlled, or smothered. The dynamics of defensiveness lead to death rather than to life and growth.

8. Honesty vs. Deception. There is no way to build a lasting, healthy relationship on a foundation of dishonesty. Honesty must be at the core of a relationship; there is no substitute for it. It is fashionable in our day to paper over unpleasant truth. We deceive those we love, rationalizing that keeping secrets is really for their good.

Virtually all addictions are maintained under the cover of some sort of deception, which eventually is woven into a vast tapestry of lies and cover-ups. Dishonesty is a very hard habit to break. One of the main functions of a recovery support group is the accountability it provides, holding the recovering addict to rigorous truthfulness. Without accountability, trust and the restoration of intimacy in relationships is impossible.

Excerpted from Addicted To Love by Steve Arterburn.
7 Comments
Relationship Quiz Sep 15, 2008 3:33 am
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Are You in an Unhealthy Relationship? Take this quiz to find out.

1] Do you feel afraid to speak your mind, express how you feel or ask for something you need?

2] Does your partner tell you are "stupid", "crazy", or "inadequate" when you disagree?

3] Does your partner make fun of your ideas or opinions?
Is your partner bossy and/or try to control every detail in your relationship?

4] Is your partner extremely demanding and jealous?

5] Do you often feel guilty and second-guess your choices in friends, social activities, jobs, etc. because of your partner's negative comments about these choices?

6] Are you afraid of your partner's temper, feel like you walk on eggshells, and/or are constantly monitoring what you say and do as an attempt to avoid making him/her angry?

7] Do you find yourself making excuses for your partner and justifying his/her actions to others?

8] Do you feel more "free" to be yourself when he/she isn't around?

9] Does your partner throw or break things when angry?

10] Does your partner try to control where you go and what you do?

11] Does your partner pressure you to engage in sexual activities that you are uncomfortable with and put you down if you refuse?

12] Does your partner threaten to kill or hurt him/herself if you have a differing opinion, try to end the relationship, or do something they disapprove of?

13] Does your partner try to make you feel guilty for having a "life" (i.e. friends, interests) apart from the relationship?

14] Does your partner criticize your family and friends and ask you to stop seeing them?

15] Do you feel that you have changed, lost touch with who you are, or become someone else in order to be with your partner?
Have your friends or family expressed concern about your relationship and/or your well-being?

16] Does your partner know how to make you feel bad (i.e., what buttons to push) and use it often to hurt you?

17] Have you lost touch with your friends, and only hang out with your partner's friends?

18] Does your partner try to control you with anger and guilt, or lash out when you don't do exactly what he or she wants?

19[ Has your partner ever hit, slapped, punched, shoved, grabbed or shook you?

20] Has your partner ever threatened to hurt you, take important things away, or leave you?

21] Has your partner ever called you names, put you down, insulted you, and/or embarrassed you in front of others?

22] Do you feel like you never get anywhere when you try to communicate?

22] Do you spend large amounts of time preoccupied with what you've said or how it's interpreted?

**If you answered "yes" to 3 or more questions you are experiencing dangerous signs of relationship abuse. Help is available. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS AND RESPECT!!

ALSO REMEMBER--YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Unfortunately, 25 - 50% of all young adult relationships involve some form of abuse. Often times these destructive relationship dynamics appear slowly over time and you do not realize you are being controlled and manipulated until you are deeply involved in the relationship. You may feel confused and scared about what is going on, but you need to deal with it because the abuse will likely get worse over time. Please find help and support for yourself.

How to Help Yourself:

You must realize the seriousness of the abuse and make your recovery the first priority in your life
Talk to trusted friends, family members, or professional counselors to help support you as you entangle yourself from the relationship and regain your former self-esteem that has been temporarily stolen from you
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by Tink Sep 15, 2008 3:25 am
140 Views
Many people have been in a relationship that was unhealthy at some point throughout their life. It may have taken a long time for them to realize they were in an unhealthy relationship or it may have been apparent rather quickly. Some people choose to stay in unhealthy relationships because of love, some people are unsure if their relationship is an unhealthy one, some are scared to leave, and some of course do leave. There are many signs of an unhealthy relationship and here we will compare the most common signs of an unhealthy relationship to a healthy one.

Unhealthy relationships can revolve around one person, be it yourself or your mate. The other person’s needs and desires are often unmet. One person will care and focus on themselves while the other person remains neglected and on the side lines. Only one person is important and the other person’s feelings are usually not taken into consideration.

A healthy relationship meets both person’s needs and desires as much as possible. Focus will be on what is best for both people, not just one. Both people’s feelings will be taken into consideration, and both people will be cared for.

In an unhealthy relationship one person may not encourage individuality in the other person. One person is often criticized and verbally abused. Thinking differently is normally discouraged and pressure to agree with the other person occurs regularly. One person’s opinion is often not heard or even discouraged against.

In a healthy relationship there will be respect for each person. Acceptance for someone and who they are will be present. There will not be verbal abuse and criticisms will be constructive. Each person is able to voice their opinion and think independently. Being an individual is not discouraged and pressure to conform is not present.

Tink
0 Comments
H vs U Sep 15, 2008 3:22 am
149 Views
Unhealthy Relationships

posted by Sam: Unhealthy Relationships

"Just because someone loves you doesn't mean that they are also good for you." - Unknown

As teenagers, many of us feel that 'unconditional love' is the answer to all our problems. Some never outgrow this and continue to hold on to this unhealthy fantasy that fun and companionship from a loving relationship can cure all their problems in life.

The reality - a relationship can create a secure feeling because of the strength and support that one can derive from it. And it will have its sweet moments. On the other hand, it can also act as a stressor to exacerbate one's own personal problems with respect to adjusting to the partners personality because the fact is that people change over time. And if it doesn't work it can also have a negative effect based on the friction that often develops between the two.

A person can love someone and yet not be able to get along with him / her. (Just think back to the moments when you have hated your parents or siblings). No relationship is conflict-free. The important thing is not whether you disagree, but how you disagree. If disagreements aren't communicated in an assertive manner, a relationship can become unhealthy over time. However, with patience and improved communication skills, these types of relationships can again become healthy.

Or sometimes it may be slightly more complex as not having a healthy balance in life. Our life has various aspects (work, family, friends etc.), and if we do not give equal importance to all parts, we end up expecting more from one. Thus if things aren't going well at work, one may unconsciously make more demands (like attention) from their partner to relieve the stress, and feel frustrated when he / she doesn't reciprocate with the expected intensity. The other partner might not be able to pay equal attention and reciprocate all the time because it might upset his / her balance of life. In such cases, it might help the relationship if both partners introspect more on their personal life rather then each other.

A more serious problem is stagnant psychological growth of one or both partners in the relationship. The three stages of a persons maturity - dependence, independence and inter-dependence - gives us more insight on this aspect. (Note that inter-dependence is the last stage, and not the second). Up til our teens, we are dependant and look up to our parents to raise us. Slowly we explore and become more and more capable of looking after ourselves, and strive to become independent. As we grow older, we start to realize that friends and families are important because our feelings and emotions are only enriching when shared with others; and there's only so much a single person can do.

Sometimes, unfortunately, an adult psychologically gets stuck on the first (dependence) or second (independence) stage. These adults then encounter a lot of difficulties in their relationships often becoming emotionally withdrawn and / or physically abusive as they develop personality / mood disorders.

Here are some warning signs that can alert you to whether you or your partner may get 'stuck' and develop an unhealthy relationship:

Seeks instant intimacy: A person who develops an immediate sense of attachment and belonging without really knowing anything about the other person and pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment has unhealthy dependence needs.

Clingy: Considers intensity of need for each other as proof of love. Wants you alone for himself / herself. At the extreme, tries to isolate you from friends and families with constant demands of attention.

Excessively possessive: Trust issues - extreme inquisitiveness about the partners activity and whom they talked to, jealousy and controlling behaviors like keeping the money or car, demanding he / she ask permission for activities.

Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be perfect in meeting his / her every needs or becomes disappointed and angry.

Lacks a sense of responsibility: Blames others for problems and mistakes. Makes the other person responsible for his / her feelings - instead of saying "I am angry", he / she says "You make me angry".

Hypersensitive: Feels insulted, hurt or angry at perceived slights or criticism when realistically there wasn't any.

Cruelty to animals and children: Often very impatient with normal children / animal behavior, punishes them brutally, may tease them until they cry.

Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes and / or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things, demeaning and attacking your self-esteem when you fail to meet some expectation.

Rigid roles: Expects you to conform to his / her idea of how a wife / husband should be without a mutual consensus.

Threats of violence: Intimidation of threats of physical violence directed at self or the partner; often later dismissed as temper.

It helps to remember - Every relationship is different and will have its own dynamics and healthy relationships are based on equality in decision making and respect for one another

Sam
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Making You Tube Videos can be fun Sep 14, 2008 9:20 pm
168 Views
There are so many ways to do it. You can put music and pictures to a video as well as recording voice etc. Its really pretty amazing. Has anyone else made one lately?
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why do they? Sep 14, 2008 9:11 pm
132 Views
why do people believe in lies?

If you ask a pychiatrist what reality is, he will tell you that 'reality is whatever you perceive your reality to be.' This is because the pychiatrist knows that everything we perceive is actually a re-assembledge of the electo-chemical signals transmitted by our sensory organs to our brains. What we see is actually a facsimile of reality. How does a persons' brain judge the reality of what they are seeing? When a child first becomes conciously self aware, they start asking questions like 'How did we get here?' The answer is not immediatley available to them. They may choose to believe their parent's explanations without question, or they may search for alternate explanations on their own.

A child may be told what to believe, or may be given choices in what to believe. An individuals' experience is unique to that individual. In order to function and relate to the world and other people, people choose beliefs. How do you know if your beliefs are true? Your perceptions are still just a re-assembledge of electro-chemicle signals. When it comes to questions like 'Do we experience a reality after death?' a possible answer can in no way be certain. This forces us to choose beliefs.

The brain is like a computer solving a problem. The problem to be solved is more than just survival. The brain, at a fundemental level, needs to have true facts about reality in it's program in order to function properly. The problem is, that some of the things that must be known in order for the brain to function properly, can not easily be verified, thus the need to choose a belief.

Once a person chooses a belief, the brain will incorporate that belief into the assembledge of electro-chemical signals that it uses to perceive reality. Whatever a person 'believes' is true, will always 'seem' true to that person. The reasons for choosing any particular belief are unique to each individual. The danger is in choosing a belief that just isn't true. Whether or not a belief is true, is irrelevant to the fact that any belief will always 'seem' true.

This is why people believe in lies. It is the unwillingness to examine and re-access a belief that otherwise 'seems' true. What 'sounds reasonable' is not always 'sound reasoning.' Aristotal believed that the Earth was a stationary platform at the center of the Universe with all the other celestial objects rotating around it. The people held Aristotle in high esteem for their perception of his wisdom, but Aristotle believed in lies.

The Secret of the Universe
0 Comments
even deeper Sep 14, 2008 9:07 pm
149 Views
Lying-Pathologic

There is a reason why you are asked in court to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. It's because most of the time, that's not what people do.

Everyone lies sometimes. There are many reasons to lie. Sometimes we do not want to hurt someone's feelings. Sometimes we lie for our own advantage. We lie in business and in our personal lives. Most adults are aware of it when they lie.

Young children sometimes have problems telling fantasy from reality. When a three-year-old insists that he flew to Mars this morning, he may not be lying on purpose. He may not even be aware that it is a lie. Children with good imaginations often take longer to learn what a lie really is. It is important to work with children to teach them about fantasy and reality, instead of punishing them for these kinds of lies.

A pathological liar is somewhere between an adult and a child with a good imagination. A pathological liar is like a child in that he or she may believe in the lies, at least for the time that she or he is talking.

Stories by pathological liars tend to be very dramatic. They often portray the person as being smarter, braver, more attractive, or more interesting than she or he really is. Sometimes people begin to catch onto pathological liars because of obvious flaws in the stories. A fairly young man will describe his heroics in the Vietnam war. A homely woman will talk about all the men who fell instantly in love with her. Sometimes the flaws may be more subtle and it may take a knowledgeable person to find them. Often it happens that a pathological liar will be caught out at a party by someone who really was a pilot, really lived in Africa, or really was a fashion model.

Suspect a pathological liar if:
* the stories seem too dramatic or unrealistic,
* the lies seem to serve no purpose except to impress people, or
* the lies can easily be shown up.

Sometimes pathological lying appears to be related to physical causes, such as problems in the brain. Other times they appear to be related to low self-esteem. In any case, good diagnosis and treatment is needed. Contact your healthcare provider for assistance and referrals if needed.

Baptist Mental Health
2 Comments
Caught Sep 14, 2008 9:03 pm
156 Views
Caught in Their Own Lies:

Here's a strange fact about lies and about the telling of false stories that you may not be aware of. The quote from Adolph Hitler, "Tell a lie often enough, loud enough, and long enough, and people will believe you." applies to the liar as well as to his intended target.

There's a part of the human psyche that tends to accept that which is repeatedly put into the mind. As a result, the peddler of lies very often reaches a point where he/she believes that his/her lies are actually the truth. Very frequently, loving well-meaning people get caught in these false stories and perpetuate them.

Choice 101
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