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was just thinking Aug 24, 2008 11:11 am
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Each week I check the online webpage of the county seat where I grew up. Last week they has a particular story in there about a 17 year old boy and his 21 year old sister, Apparently the boy was driving and he went left of center and was hit by a tractor trailor killing both of them.

I dont know the family. It happened about 15 miles east of where I grew up. But I was thinking how devestating for this family to lose their children. I was also remembering how hilly those roads are over there and all of the blindspots on some roads in that area.

I cant imagine their pain and it puts mine in perspective a little. What a horrible tragedy for that family.

I appreciate all of your responces. I have just been too wounded inside to read them lately. Please forgive me. I promise I will read and answer them when I feel better. Right now I am just so outof it emotionally and mentally. Just writing helps. Please bear with me.

Right now it just hurts to breath and think and feel.
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my batteries are low Aug 24, 2008 6:22 am
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I dont know how others feel about when they take on responsibilities. I know how I feel. Whether it is a pet or a child that you have or even a friendship, I take it very seriously.

This thing with Buster really has me down. I dont know if it will ever change from what it is now. Yesterday was one of the worse days I personally have had for a long time.

I feel responsible and yet I dont know for sure its my fault. Its like if I had a pool and perhaps the door to the patio wasnt quite as closed as you think and the baby somehow gets out and drowns in the pool.

How do you live with that? Thats how I feel. I have found more recently that stupid door doesnt quite shut even if you slam the damn thing.And of course it had to happen before the stupid tropical storm.

The last few days I have been madder than hell about it. Been mad about a lot of things, probably too numberous to mention in one blog post. This last year has been destructive at times for me. Many things falling apart and wearing out. Work not even close to what I need it to be.

The thing with Mercy has been very difficult as she has been walking through rough times just as have. I think my melting point has been the last few days. I have tried everything I know and done everything I have ever done in the past and I feel so alone.

Yesterday I apologized to my son for so much sadness and anger over this thing with Buster. Buster has brought he and I so much Joy. I just cant stop crying at the pain I feel inside about a lot of things. I can barely see the keyboard right now.

Yesterday, I felt the need to go to the beach. I was in the garage and I was looking to get to something. The Amp for the guitar was plugged in. In my right eye I do not have depth perception anymore. My toe got caught in the cord and I fell real hard. I hurt so many places on my body with that fall, I cant believe it. I hurt both ankles, almost cut my left foot on something. My neck hurts, my tailbone and my ribs on my right side.

So I am down. I feel so broken and I am in mourning for Buster who has been so special to me. It just makes me want to go back into my cave and never come out. I am not even sure if I will.

Right now I just feel like I have let my family down. I feel so helpless to make a difference. Yeah, I even told God if it werent for Cory I would not desire to live anymore. I have been trying so hard for so long. Trying at life.

I am like many who try to survive. I dont want to just survive anymore. I dont need abundance. I just want something more.

I read blogs on here of the struggling single moms and it breaks my heart. I wish I could do something for them too. I am so down.

Mercy tells me she loves my heart. These days that is about all that I have to offer. I look around and I have a truck with 400K miles on it. My pressure cleaner is 15 years old. I just bought a new paint sprayer because the old one went. I live spartanly for the most part. A lot of what I had worked so hard to build up is no longer there. All in a years time.

Sometimes we go through times that we feel nomatter what we touch or what we do, it just doesnt work as we wish. Thats what I am feeling right now. Buster is just the emphasis in what I am feeling about a lot of things.

I just feel sick
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