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Humor From Others, To Me, To You - Share!
When laughter is the best medicine - come, sit, stay a while and laugh
until your pants fall off!!
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Press 1 For ...Press 2 For...Who Are You?? Find Out! Oct 27, 2007 9:01 am
488 Views
How you handle yourself when met with using the telephone, in particular, responding to touch tone prompts, says a lot about your personality. So which description below best reflects who you are?

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... :>
1. If you press 1 repeatedly, you are obsessive-compulsive.
2. If you ask someone to press 2 for you, you are passive-dependent.
3. If you press 2 for another person, you are codependent.
4. If you press 0 gently, then 9 hard, then 0 gently,then 9 hard, you are manic-depressive.
5. If you press 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7 followed by ####, you have multiple personality disorder.
6. If you press 8 for help, then hangup, call back rage about being ignored, cry, apologize, repeat, you have borderline person
7. If you think we know who you are, or if you stay on the line too long we'll trace the call, then you are paranoid or delu
8. If you listen carefully and a little voice tells you which number to press, then you are schizophrenic.
9. If it doesn't matter which number you press, cuz, no one will answer anyhow, you are either depressed or ABSOLUTELY corre
10. If you quit using the phone, cuz, doing everything by computer is easier, then you just love pressing buttons!!!
10 Comments, 3 votes
Loosing It At Work! Oct 26, 2007 1:59 pm
Mood: exhausted, 512 Views

How many calories can you burn at the office per hour???

Beating around the bush... 75
Jumping to conclusions... 100
Climbing the walls... 150
Swallowing your pride... 50
Passing the buck... 25
Throwing your weight around... 50-300
Dragging your heels... 100
Pushing your luck... 250
Making mountains out of molehills... 500
Hitting the nail on the head... 50
Wading through paperwork... 300
Bending over backwards... 75
Jumping on the bandwagon... 200
Balancing the books... 25
Running around in circles... 350
Eating crow... 225
Tooting your own horn... 25
Climbing the ladder of success... 750
Pulling out the stops... 75
Adding fuel to the fire... 160
Opening a can of worms... 50
Putting your foot in your mouth... 300
Starting the ball rolling... 90
Going over the edge... 25
Picking up the pieces after... 350
Counting eggs before they hatch... 6
Calling it quits... 2
Wrapping it up at the day's end... 12

Wow!!! What a workout!!!
19 Comments
Doesn't Measure Up Oct 25, 2007 5:49 am
Mood: surprised, 461 Views
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
" We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her packet, took a measurement, then announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb woman. We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

Well, maybe today you didn't laugh, but at least you smiled!!
8 Comments
Stop, Donkey, Please Stop! Oct 24, 2007 6:51 am
Mood: thankful, 571 Views
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!" The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!" The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase. The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no..." "Bible...Church!... Please! Stop!!" shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer... "Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, AMEN." The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff. Hallelujah!" the man shouted and.......

Keep a smile on your face.....where else can you put it???
18 Comments
Somthin' Ta' Laugh About Oct 23, 2007 5:00 am
Mood: blah, 526 Views
Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?
She had three men giving her directions

What's the difference between God and Bill Gates?
God doesn't think he's Bill Gates.

"Would you like a cup of coffee?"
"No thanks, when I drink coffee, I cant sleep."
"Hmmm. In my case it's the other way around. When I sleep, I cant drink coffee."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the pearly gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans. St. Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I am Joey Jones, taxi driver, of Las Vegas."
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into heaven with his robe and staff, and it is the minister's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of St. Mary's for the last 45 years."
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and a golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says St. Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

A Pastor skips services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turns the corner along the path, he and a bear collide. The pastor stumbles backwards, slips off the trail, and begins tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally, the Pastor crashes into a boulder, sending is rifle flying in one direction and he's broken both of his legs. The pastor is lying there; he's lost his gun and the bear is coming closer. So he cries out in desperation, "Lord, I repent for all I've done! Please make this bear a Christian." The bear skids to a halt at the pastor's feet, falls to its knees, clasps it's paws together, and says, "Lord, I do thank you for the food I am about to receive."

Are you flung back in your chair with your belly jiggling??? Then no one has stolen your sense of humor....but you might be paralyzed with laughter if it lasts longer than half the day!!!
12 Comments
Wanna Laugh Today??? Oct 22, 2007 8:59 am
Mood: tired, 537 Views
Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?"
Defendant: "No, I did not."
Prosecutor: "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?"
Defendant: "Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder!"

This customer walks into a computer store. "I'm looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging?" "Well," replied the clerk, "have you tried Windows '98?"

Patient: "Say, Doctor? What was wrong with that nun who just came running out of your office? She looked terribly pale."
Doctor: "Well, I examined her and told her she was pregnant."
Patient: "Is she?"
Doctor: "No, but it sure as hell cured her hiccups!"

What's the difference between an accordion and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug in a vacuum before it sucks.

Teacher: Class, its an interesting linguistic fact that, in English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language in which a double positive can form a negative."
Student:Yeah, right.

How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll?
Who knows, it's never happened.

Husband: "I haven't spoken to my wife in 18-months---I don't like to interrupt her."


Come on laugh out loud...it's good for you!!!
12 Comments
Just Kidding Oct 21, 2007 7:49 am
Mood: blah, 557 Views
Salesman: "Lady, this vacuum will cut your work in half!"
Lady: "Good, I'll take two of them."

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
Uh, cuz, they all have phones.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that rips your leg off, then goes for help.

Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.

And what do ya' call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, he ain't gonna come anyway.

To recognize thoughtless people, you can actually see that the gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train just isn't coming.

When you have a cold or the flu, you know exactly how sick you are when you don't even have enough brain power to toast a crouton.

Patient: "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I hurt all over. If I touch my shoulder here, it hurts, if I touch my leg here, it hurts, if I touch my head here, it hurts, and if I touch my foot here, it hurts."
Doctor: "I believe you've broken you finger."

The doctor calls up the patient and says, "I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only twenty-four hours to live." And the patient says, "That is very bad news! What could be worse than that?" And the doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."

"Hello, is this the state mental hospital?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can I speak to Mr. Russell in room 27?"
"One moment and I'll connect you..." (pause) "I'm sorry, Mr. Russell is not answering."
"Good, that means I must have really escaped."

If you laughed at all, then I've not lost my mind!!!
12 Comments
Some "Why" Humor Oct 20, 2007 8:48 am
Mood: Questionable!, 593 Views
Why call it a building if it has already been built?

If there is a sign in the middle of a lawn that reads "Do not step on the grass", how did it get there?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Is there another word for 'Synonym'?

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you...

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

The best part about computers is they make very fast, accurate mistakes.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Why isn't 'phonetic' spelled the way it sounds?

Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

A computer is perfectly reliable until you switch it on.

You shouldn't wondering why you're laughing, just keep laughing!!!
15 Comments
PART #2 Are You A Smarty Pants? Let’s See Oct 19, 2007 6:51 pm
Mood: Still Tricky, 455 Views
Here is the answer from my preious post... Are You A Smarty Pants? Let's See

There are six F`s in the sentence.

A person of average intelligence finds three of them.

If you spotted four, you`re above average.

If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody.

If you caught six, you are a genius.

There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"`s.

The human brain tends to see them as V`s and not F`s.

How did you do? I did get the five but that last one...it was hard to find. Pretty amazing, huh?
0 Comments
Are You A Smarty Pants? Let's See Oct 19, 2007 6:43 pm
Mood: Tricky, 521 Views
Read the sentence below:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-

SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-

IC STUDY COMBINED WITH

THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count the F`s in that sentence. Count them only once

What's your answer?

Remember....no cheating!!!


See my next post for the answer!!
8 Comments
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