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When laughter is the best medicine - come, sit, stay a while and laugh
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Logic & Making Money Fast Nov 5, 2007 4:23 am
Mood: cheerful, 558 Views
Logic

There was an engineer, manager and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careered down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly
avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

Don't Miss This Opportunity

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?
Here's an incredibly simple way to do it and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!
TRY it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
1. Open a new text or word document
2. Hold down the shift key.
3. Hit the 4 key four times.

So making $$$$ was fast and easy!!!
6 Comments
Are These Red Neck Medical Terms? Nov 4, 2007 6:55 am
Mood: cheerful, 512 Views

Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium..........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section................A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize.......................Made eye contact with her.
Coma............................A punctuation mark.
D and C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate..........................To live long.
Enema...........................Not a friend.
Fester..........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula..........................A small lie.
Impotent........................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain......................Getting hurt at work.
Morbid..........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates........................Cheaper than day rates.
Node............................I knew it!
Outpatient......................A person who has fainted.
Post Operative..................A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...................Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.......................Hiding something.
Tablet..........................A small table.
Terminal Illness................Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor...........................More than one.
Urine...........................Opposite of mine.
Varicose........................Near by/close

Are you in stitches? (Stitches.....something that itches!!!)
4 Comments
Missing Dollar...Can You Find It??? Nov 3, 2007 7:16 am
Mood: silly, 1062 Views
Three friends check into a motel for the night and the clerk tells them the bill is $30, payable in advance. So, they each pay the clerk $10 and go to their room. A few minutes later, the clerk realizes he has made an error and overcharged the trio by $5. He asks the bellhop to return $5 to the 3 friends who had just checked in. The bellhop sees this as an opportunity to make $2 as he reasons that the three friends would have a tough time dividing $5 evenly among them; so he decides to tell them that the clerk made a mistake of only $3, giving a dollar back to each of the friends. He pockets the leftover $2 and goes home for the day! Now, each of the three friends gets a dollar back, thus they each paid $9 for the room which is a total of $27 for the night. We know the bellhop pocketed $2 and adding that to the $27, you get $29, not $30 which was originally spent. Where did the other dollar go????
39 Comments
Men.....Are They Something Or What?? Nov 2, 2007 3:57 am
Mood: happy, 538 Views
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?

1) Get away or I'll call the police!!!

2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.


What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

When the power goes off.

The Wrong Way
An old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rings. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!" Herman replies, "It's not just one car, it's hundreds of them!"

Men say the smartest things when they start the sentence with "A woman once told me..."

Okay......now time for a Short Quiz

Come on, the quiz consists of only 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been paying attention? All the crocodiles are attending the animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

Hmmmmm.....so how did you do???? If you failed....take the test over!!! (HA HA HA)
12 Comments
Superstitious Nov 1, 2007 8:24 am
Mood: rushed, 497 Views
Two robbers were robbing a hotel.
The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

4 Comments
HALLOWEEN HUMOR Oct 31, 2007 8:18 am
Mood: Spooky Fun!!!, 432 Views

Q. What is a Mummie's favorite type of music? A. Wrap!!!!!

Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

Q. What's a monster's favorite bean? A. A human bean.

Q. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A. A sand-witch.

Q. What do ghosts say when something is really neat? A. Ghoul

Q. What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? A. He is mist.

Q. What are ghosts' favorite kind of streets? A. Dead ends

Q. What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? A. Mas-scare-a.

Q. Why did the skeleton cross the road? A. To go to the body shop.

Q. What do you call two spiders that just got married? A. Newlywebbed

Q. What do Italian's eat on Halloween? A. Fettuccine Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)

Q. What do witches use in their hair? A. Scare-spray

Q. What do you call a little monster's parents A. mummy and deady

Q. What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon. A. sour-puss

Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire with the internet? A. Blood-thirsty hacker baby.

Q. Why do ghosts shiver and moan? A. It's drafty under that sheet.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: He had no guts.

Q. What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? A. It's a pain in the neck.

Q. How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? A. All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly donuts.

Q. What songs does Dracula hate? A. "You Are My Sunshine" and "Sunshine on my Shoulders.

Q. Why are vampires like false teeth? A. They all come out at night.

Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business? A. He wanted to get ahead in life.

Q. What type of dog does every vampire have? A. Bloodhound!

Q. What's a monsters favorite desert? A. I-Scream!!

Q. What do you call a witch's garage? A. A broom closet.

Q. What do you call two witches living together? A. Broommates.

Q. Why don't mummies take vacations? A. They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Q. What is a witch's favorite subject in school? A. Spelling

Q. Why did the vampire need mouthwash? A. Because he had bat breath.

Q. What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes? A. A cereal killer.

Q. What's a Vampire's least favorite song? A. Another one bites the dust!

Q. What is a Skeleton's favorite song. A. Bad to the Bone

Q. Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? A. It raises their spirits.

Q. Why can't a Skeleton lift weights? A. He's all bone & no muscle.

Q. How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire? A. So long sucker!

Q. Why does a cemetery have to keep a fence around it? A. Because people are dying to get in.

Q. What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking? A. A pumpkin patch!!!

Q. Where do vampires keep their money? A: The blood bank!!!



Q. What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes? A. They suck! So here's one to get your mind off Halloween!!!

What is the difference between a Golfer and a Skydiver?

A Golfer goes:
Whack!................................Oh Damn!

A Skydiver goes:
Oh Damn.................................Whack!



Come on, at least one of these jokes was funny, you better be smiling or at least have laughed once!!!
4 Comments
Boss Vs. Worker Oct 31, 2007 7:14 am
Mood: cheerful, 392 Views
When a worker takes a long time to complete a project, they are considered being slow and incapable of managing the job. When the boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When the worker doesn't have a chance to begin a project, they are seen as being lazy and forgetful. When the boss doesn't do something, he's too busy.

When the worker does something without being told, and is assertive, they're just trying to be smart. When the boss does the same exact thing, that is initiative.

When the worker pleases the boss, that's brown-nosing. When the boss pleases his boss, that's cooperating.

When the worker does good, the boss never remembers. But when the worker does wrong, the boss never forgets. When the boss does wrong, the worker had better forget!

Work. Work. Work. Don't forget to take a little smile break!
4 Comments
Be Nice To Your Nurse Oct 30, 2007 6:54 am
Mood: amused, 488 Views

When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him.

One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

Yep. Be nice to your nurse!!!So Smile today!!!
18 Comments
Are You Crazy? Oct 29, 2007 6:04 am
Mood: Normal, 558 Views

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director which is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. We offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient, and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."

OK, now here's the test:

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon."

"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

Oh. Nooooooooo. Looks like the visitor is gonna be visiting the asylum for a very long, long time....how about you??? Did you think bucket also??? And, yes, thinking bucket is the same thing as saying it out loud!!! So when the men in the white coats arrive, don't resist!!!
16 Comments
Speed = Speeding Ticket??? Oct 28, 2007 6:10 am
Mood: cheerful, 496 Views
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened up further. The needle hit 90, 100...then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Just smile--it'll look good on you!
11 Comments
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