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Bringing people together in love and faith
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Humor From Others, To Me, To You - Share!
When laughter is the best medicine - come, sit, stay a while and laugh
until your pants fall off!!
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| Don't Ever Be Late |
Oct 11, 2007 8:21 am
Mood: cheerful, 470 Views | A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen many things, has been arrested, almost murdered an officer, stole money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and is a terrific liar. I was appalled, but as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived so long ago," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: Don't Ever Be Late!!! | |
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6 Comments | |
| WHO'S WHO???? |
Oct 10, 2007 5:10 am
Mood: blah, 627 Views | ~ A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
~ An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
~ A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
~ An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.
~ A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
~ A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that is not there.
~ A topologist is a man who does not know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
~ A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."
~ A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
~ A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
~ A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
~ A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to Antarctica in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
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19 Comments | |
| Oh, The Funny That Happens All In One Day |
Oct 9, 2007 7:00 am
Mood: cheerful, 398 Views | TELEPHONES ARE OUT
At work all our phones went dead. I contracted the telephone repair people from the drug store pay phone down the street. They promised to arrive between 10:00 in the morning and 7:00 that night. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time frame, the pleasant gentleman replied, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"
MATCHING UP
I was signing the receipt for my credit card
purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
LUNCH
I went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco, but asked the person behind the counter to put a little less lettuce on it. He said, "I'm sorry. We don't have that kind, we only have iceberg lettuce."
ANIMAL LOVER
I live in a rural area and recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the "deer crossing" sign on our road. Her reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want the deer to cross there anymore.
Today we can whine because we have to go to work or....we can shout for joy because we have a job to go to!!!!
Enjoy your today!!! And make sure you laugh a little. | |
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0 Comments | |
| Adam And Eve....Hmmm |
Oct 8, 2007 8:38 am
Mood: Improving, 530 Views | TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what's on television, they just want to see WHAT ELSE is on television.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear them, because men would never be able to handle it.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden" Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone." He only ends up getting himself into trouble.
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."
And thus EVE was created!!! Sorry, guys. LOL
AN OLD, OLD BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages for a long, long time. "Mama, look what I found," he exclaimed. "What have you got there, sweetie." With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Children's explanations can be soooo funny!!! | |
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6 Comments | |
| Planting Potatoes From Prison |
Oct 7, 2007 8:38 am
Mood: Just fine, 526 Views | An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to till his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. He wrote:
Dear Bubba,
I'm feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later the man receive a letter from his son. It read:
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Bubba
At 4:00 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. It read:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Bubba
What a "good" son, huh??? | |
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10 Comments | |
| Want To Laugh A Little? Then Read This Post. |
Oct 6, 2007 9:12 am
Mood: cheerful, 494 Views | The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
***
Three friends were discussing death, each communicated what they'd like people to say when they passed on and others stood over their casket. The first said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." The other indicated, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." And the third said, "I'd like them to say, Look, he's moving!"
***
Mr. Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord..."God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
***
A man talking to his best friend says, "Something terrible is happening. My wife is poisoning me." His friend says, "How can that be?" The man replies, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The friend offers, "If you want I will talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and let you know." The man agrees. Four hours later the friend meets up with the man. "So what can you tell me?" the man pleads. "I spoke to your wife for over three hours," was the friends reply. "Yes. So what is your advice?" the man asks. And his friend replies, "Take the poison!"
***
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed
together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're
dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
Either you laughed a little....or....you laughed a lot. I hope it was a lot!!! | |
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8 Comments | |
| Getting A Duck Report |
Sep 25, 2007 8:01 am
Mood: cheerful, 556 Views | A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be sure?" she protested. "You haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, only to return moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from it's beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100-percent certifiably, a dead duck."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$450!" she cried. "$450, just to tell me my duck is dead?"!!!
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you would have taken my word for it, the bill would have been $30. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
DSBBBT | |
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8 Comments | |
| Need A Push? |
Sep 24, 2007 10:21 am
Mood: distant dreaming, 504 Views | A man and his wife are awakened at three o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asks for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Not what you were thinking was it???
DSBT | |
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4 Comments | |
| You Know Your Parents Are Getting Old When....... |
Sep 22, 2007 11:53 am
Mood: blah, 473 Views | ...you walk in their house saying, "Do you need the TV up that loud?"
...Dad says to Mom, "I think I gained a little weight, I can't button my beige pants." Mom says to Dad, "Well, I lost weight, these beige pants are falling off of me."
...they bring home a traffic violation ticket from vacation for reckless driving..."No officer, I asked her if this was the right lane to be in. She told me, 'Yes, you're right.' I was in the left lane so I moved to the right. Then she says, 'What are you doing get back in the right lane.' I was so confused which lane she meant, the right or the left, because you see, she doesn't often
tell me I'm right."
...your parents really do pick up each others glasses and still can't read a blooming thing.
...they bicker like children. "I did too." "You did not." "I most certainly did so." I'm afraid they have their own language now.
...Dad and Mom visit, moments after dinner, Dad asks, "Can we have cake now?" and licks his lips.
...they need to start mashing their food all over again.
This is just a handful of clues, tell me some of yours...
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5 Comments | |
| A Funny Thing About Exercise |
Sep 21, 2007 3:16 pm
Mood: exhausted, 531 Views | Decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, gyrated, and jumped up an down for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.
The only reason I would take up exercise again, is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club, spent over $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there!!!
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
My grandmother starting walking five minutes a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 and we don't know where the heck she is.
If walking can add minutes to your life. That means at age 85, we'll be spending an additional 5 months in a nursing home and paying big bucks to boot. | |
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16 Comments | |
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