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On Individual Matters
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Aug 5, 2009 2:18 pm
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I work in a library, sorting and cleaning old books and materials. Many are so out of date that they may never be checked out again. Shelf after shelf, I sort and gently reorder them. Some are so fragile, their paper edges curled from years of seekers thumbing through their contents. Each sign of wear is a symbol to me, a connection to another human being; a chain of humans over time. Thus, each book and folder is valuable for that simple connection.
So also, the individuals walking down the tarmac today in Burbank, California; the journalists held in North Korea, freed through the assistance of former President Clinton and the Obama administration. I was part of the chain of rejoicing as each was held and hugged by many people.
It meant more to me, maybe because of the previous 8 years of “we don’t negotiate with terrorists” and then the horrific stream of videotaped beheadings of Americans. I still pray about it all; the families left behind, for Muslims ensnared into fundamentalism, for the men who murdered them..for God to lead them to salvation.
Today, finally, was a different day.
So after watching today’s happy reunion, I feel I’ve been made a part of a chain to others I’ve never met. I prayed a little today for those women who didn’t escape the hard labor sentence, who will probably die alone and suffering in the North Korea prison.
I know in my heart there’ll be future repercussions for negotiating for the lives of these journalists. I also had the cynical thoughts about “what if they hadn’t been linked to famous people..what if they were just ordinary people”. But today, I let my mind rest in a needed illusion…to see again that even one life matters to all.
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So relieved it
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Aug 5, 2009 11:07 am
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The guy I had been dating broke it off last week. It may be a really, really bad sign when all I felt was deeply relieved.
A week later, the main thing I feel is like a huge weight is gone. I've never felt like that about someone. I did truly care about him, but it was getting more and more bizarre.
The "technical truths" were the hardest to bear..omitting just enough to be a lie and true enough to be technically true. Next to no honesty and definitely no emotional intimacy.
I know if he hadn't ended it, I would've kept trying and trying. I felt like if I could just do things right enough, it would be okay. If I didn't say the wrong things or said things in a certain way, he wouldn't fly into a rage at me anymore.
Now, with this situation in life's rear view mirror, I'm beginning to find clarity and peace.
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Best Bagel recipe ever!
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Jul 26, 2009 12:43 pm
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When I traveled to Israel for the Feast of Booths in 1995, I had the best bagels on El Al air! Oh, they were so soft. First real Jewish bagel I had ever had.
Found a recipe online that is the closest I've ever come to those El Al bagels. Unfortunately, I don't remember what website. :LOL:
The key, I guess, is in the kneading and boiling. I used my good old St. Vinnie's purchased bread machine to knead the dough, and they came out much better than the first attempt, which were little hockey pucks.
I don't know. Kind of frivolous to post, but sometimes frivolous is nice.
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What books are you reading right now?
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Jul 3, 2009 12:37 pm
405 Views
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I work in a university library (egad!! liberal media!!!)
Here are some of the most thought provoking books to pass by my eyes lately.
Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi.
Garlic and Sapphires by Ruth Reichl.
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie.
Ones I'm looking forward to digging into.
Strand of a Thousand Pearls by Dorit Rabinyan.
Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates.
Ulysses by James Joyce.
(These books are chosen for their cultural voice.)
What are you reading right now?
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"He Struggles With God"
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Jul 1, 2009 3:35 pm
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That's what the name Israel means. Jacob was given the name Israel after he wrestled with an angel all night. "I will not let you go unless you bless me..." ..And the man replied, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
There's a phrase in Jewish culture "...questioning yourself to salvation". Endless questions and niggling discontent. ..And wrestling and vaguely understanding the wrestling is important. Oh, I know how that feels.
We try to create concrete things to show salvation, like home-schooling, going to church, witnessing, being more kind to others.
These are all good, but the questions still roil in my mind. In the previous post, I talked about how my father changed for the better after his strokes. He became so sweet and talkative and thankful. He basically showed a transformation.
Between that and my own experiences with anti-depressants changing my behavior, I ask so many questions about what is really a sign of salvation.
I've heard too many stories of born-again spirit filled Christian men who verbally and physically abuse their wives. More personally, my faith hit bottom when I saw a married Christian man I admired trying to hit on a much-too-young-for-him woman.
What is a sign of salvation? What tells us someone is saved and blessed of God?
When their questions stop? When they know exactly where they're spiritually heading? When they lead someone else to Christ? When they've got their life in order?
Catherine Marshall, in one of her books, describes a scene where a drunken man stumbled into a pastors' private group bible study. They led him to salvation.
Then the man turned around and began to pray over the pastors. His breath still reeking of alcohol as he prayed in Jesus' name, one pastor said he could feel God's power coming off those whiskey-scented prayers.
So when are we ready to serve God? When our lives are in order? When we get the Christian culture act together?
When do we know others are ready?
The bottom line is..we never will know. Man only looks at outward appearances, but God looks at the heart.
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Greetings from the Land of Compromise!!
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Jun 29, 2009 12:56 pm
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More and more scientific studies are showing a link to certain behaviors linked to morality and brain disorders. Bipolar hypersexuality can be linked to excess dopamine. Alcoholism has been traced back to a genetic link. Laziness and sloth can be attributed to a depression's serotonin/norepinephrine imbalance. A lack of activity in the frontal lobe of a person with ADHD corresponds with impulsive and sometimes criminal behaviors.
Is morality just a pill away?
I've been on and off anti-depressants and such since 2000, sporadic usage since 1989.
I've always been struck by how my character is changed by them. Well, frankly I'm a much better Christian on them.
Where, God, are you in all this? Show me your face.
Although talking like this is so challenging to our Christian culture, it's very good to examine. It shines on the point racefan4 made that Christ was the only fulfillment of the law. We need Christ to be set free from what is inherent in our nature, what we will never be able to undo ourselves.
Why bother with Christ if medications can fix all this?
Or..is Christ usurped by medicine and science if we take drugs?
Both questions have one answer.
Medications and science are akin to Moses on the mountain. His face shown so brightly from time in the presence of the Lord, so much so that it was overwhelming. Quickly, though, without the steady nourishment of God's glory, Moses' face lost the shine.
When medications are stopped, so also I lose that emotional control..my new morality. I need something permanent to change me from within forever.
Only Jesus and time with Him has done that for me. Seeking the fruit of the Holy Spirit, praying for Him to change me. These are the only permanent solutions I've found.
I'm so glad for the flip flop after receiving salvation that Christ is permanent and my sin nature is temporary and earthly and no longer in charge.
..Because after so many years in the Lord, I've lost my way. I can't believe I let it happen. It slid under my radar with pride and keeps going from there. I'm so very frail and easily deceived. Oh, Jesus. Rescue me.
Yet, one of the most joyful things I've gained is the knowledge that the path is so close by. I just have to seek Christ and He will make it all right. He will lead me back to that beautiful place where He was all that made my life real.
So He can also do that with you.
But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.
There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.
Romans 3:21-24
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How To Make An American Quilt
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Jun 27, 2009 2:15 pm
295 Views
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There's a pivotal scene in "How To Make An American Quilt", where Wynona Ryder's character, Finn Dodd, wraps herself in her wedding quilt. It was created by the community of women around her, filled with their cherished memories of her.
Finn is uncertain of her future with her fiance. She is afraid of what lies ahead in marriage.
In wrapping herself up in the memories of the past, she finds the strength to move forward and commit to her future.
So also in the same way, I'm wrapping myself up in the love of my friends so I can face the uncertain chill of dating and my future.
Oh, I've been learning some hard lessons about boundaries over the past several months; about the pain that comes over compromising them, and most of all, that I put them in place for a reason.
I'm currently struggling in a situation with a guy that I let down my boundaries with, and now I'm deeply regretting that decision.
It had the potential of being a good friendship, but has been destroyed. Only God can work in this one now, if He chooses. I have to let it go.
It's helped me come to value the joy I've had with my platonic male friends and in sharing in their lives.
Here's my friend role call:
Tariq - 3 years. "Fack dot sheeet" is his favorite phrase before he takes a drag on his latest cigarette. He's drunk-dialed me at 2 in the morning, trying to talk (and the alcohol making his accent 10 times worse), and then tells me later he confused my phone number with another woman's.
He's also very tender-hearted and a companionable friend. He has a gift for getting to know anyone anywhere, including a mafia guy who's opening line was "I've heard you Muslims hate Jews..yeah I hate Jews too." (Tariq doesn't have that prejudice. He just wants to go to Israel, but can't as a Saudi.)
My favorite time with him was one evening before Thanksgiving where we just sat and watched TV and talked. He, in his bathrobe dishdashi, and me knitting mittens on his couch.
Maybe someday he and I will go to Paris or Turkey like we chat about. He's such a b.s.'er that I have my doubts. I'm still so glad he's my friend despite that I'm 10 years older than him.
Solomon - 27 years I've known him. I was originally a pen pal with a classmate of his in the boarding school he was attending in India. This friend gave my name to Solomon because Anand didn't want to keep writing.
He's steady as a rock, plodding & rigid to some, stable to others. He's a native pastor now in India. My friendship with him opened my life up in many ways. When he wanted to get married, I was too frightened of moving to India and moving in with his family. We've gotten back in touch and now that he's married, the awkwardness has left.
Andrew - 4 years. He's 22 and looked out for me when I came back to finish my bachelor's at 36. I was so much older than everyone, and I was so lonely. He chatted with me and soon, his classmates began to warm up to me also.
Sometimes I would skip too many classes, too worn out by the program and wanting to quit. Concerned by my absences, he came to my apartment and talked with me. I owe him my (God-willing) graduation from computer programming.
Wes - 9 months on Wes. My southern gentleman friend. A big dangerous- looking man with long red hair and a scraggly beard, his gentle voice and manner contradicts his appearance. He loves Second Life and his girlfriend, Jen and other types of quasi-role playing, including sword work.
He's the best storyteller and conversationalist I've ever met.
Finally,
Dan. I met Dan through classes. We commuted together to one in another city. He talked of his girlfriend and her son whom he adored. He told me of Elijah's fascination with garbage. He would pull out dirty tissues from the trash and say "look...gawbage". Elijah was so amazed with it that they had his 4th birthday party at the town dump.
Dan also talked of his love for Amber, his desire to connect with her and her struggle to trust Dan. In those times, I saw a boy-man on the verge of adulthood, ready to be responsible for the life of another human being. He really loved Amber.
Dan and I would often work side by side, our chatter helping us stay on task. I can still see him standing in the hallway shifting from leg to leg and fiddling with his baseball cap that he wore constantly.
His mother buried him in that cap. In my memory, I can still see the bill sticking up from his casket.
Dan passed away about 5 years ago from bacterial meningitis at 28 years old. When they did the autopsy, they found that the infection had been a tender mercy from God. He had late stage colon cancer.
I remember the last time I ever spoke with Dan. He said "I have SUCH a headache", and the pain was visible in his face. I patted his arm and noted how very hot his skin was. I thought, "he just needs to get some rest".
Then, a week later, he was gone.
Sometimes, I go to his grave to drink a pepsi with him. It used to be harder to find. His mother had put him in her plot and hadn't changed the headstone for several years. Now, though, his name is engraved there next to his father's.
There are more friends I could list, some new, some I've lost touch with, some I don't know as well. Each precious in helping me build trust.
I'm grateful for the way I receive a little piece of affection from each man, a scrap that I can take and combine with others and make a beautiful quilt that leaves me feeling warm and accepted.
In the warmth of their memories and God's love and promises, I wrap myself, and I turn now to face the decisions I've made.
John 15:15-17
I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.
This is my command: Love each other.
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David and Goliath
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Jun 27, 2009 9:22 am
288 Views
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In 1st Samuel 17, David, when working to convince King Saul of David's ability to face Goliath, ran down all the times God had rescued him.
In verse 37, he concluded with
"The LORD who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine."
There is nothing more powerful in my life than remembering when God has rescued us in the past to face my present circumstances.
Here's one of my favorite stories.
In 1997, I had to move to Appleton, Wisconsin for a job. After praying an impossible prayer for an apartment for $300, everything included, I found a tiny efficiency that fit that prayer. Feeling it was God's hand, I signed the manager's 6 month contract.
...My first trip to move in boxes stunned me. Cockroaches. Everywhere.
Never had I dealt with them. I felt physically sick and left that night to sleep in my old apartment in Wausau.
On top of that, when my parents came to move in more stuff, a police officer stopped by on the street. He told my father to "get her OUT of that apartment, that place...TONIGHT!!!" The story behind such a dire order he never told.
However, I was stuck in a contract. I had no choice but to stay. Oh, how I prayed.
I commuted for a week, until I absolutely had to leave my old place in Wausau.
My last trip back to Appleton to finally sleep in my place was filled with so much fear. I was weeping and sobbing because I had no choice. I turned on the radio to sooth my anxiety, and a scripture from the Psalms came on first thing: "I will both lay me down and sleep, for thou, o Lord only makest me dwell in safety."
Calm enveloped me and I felt at peace.
I slept that night in my new apartment with the lights on and a can of roach spray next to me. Roaches zoomed over my legs in the night.
Why had God led me this way? Did I misunderstand this?
I had made my choice following what I thought was God's plan. I had six months to get through.
The next morning, I found out all my neighbors were new Hmong refugees. I could turn off my radio and TV, and I was no longer emotionally in the US, but transported back with them to Thailand.
They were kind of scared of me and I was kind of scared of them. My first week, they butchered a pig in the basement, which I thought was pretty cool and daring.
My former east Indian fiance came to visit in that time. He said my place would be the type where poorer class Indians lived back home.
Things became more relaxed. One day, I heard an unfamiliar Asian song "Bahama Mama, I don't wanna..." Solomon started singing along. He said it was a huge hit throughout Asia.
My eyes were opened to a huge new world in that moment.
After a while, I really enjoyed living there. The six months passed in my contract and I went to my landlord to sign a new one. He looked at me and said "I never use contracts..you were never in one". The previous managers under him had lied and had me sign a false contract in order to get the place rented.
Rather than feeling misled, I rejoiced. I knew that God had led me to this place for a time.
It was still never easy. There were still many hardships. But I became used to them. I no longer shook my coat to fling out the roaches that would crawl in the sleeves.
I also gained a new downstairs neighbor, Mee Her. After stopping a drunken neighbor pounding on their doors at 4 a.m., she and the other Hmong warmed up to me.
That's when the beauty and fun really started.
I could be walking down the street and Hmong people I had never met would beep and wave. I was the American who lived upstairs from Mee.
She and her family (and probably half the neighborhood) would come up to my apartment sometimes. I didn't speak enough Hmong and they didn't speak English, so it was interesting, but very peaceful.
What was most hilarious were the neighborhood children. Sometimes, they would see my car turning the block and would run towards me yelling "Sandy's home, Sandy's home". Solomon thought that was just a hoot too.
(One day, one of those little stinkers almost whizzed on my head from the fire escape, as the playmate he was trying to hit below had ducked out of the way.)
It was an amazing blessing there. God kept me safe.
Unfortunately, someone started stealing from me when I would take a shower down the hall. I became so angry I turned in my notice.
I regretted my decision, but the apartment had already been rented to a young Hmong family.
Mee Her wept when she realized I was moving out.
But we all adjusted.
On my last day, it was a rainy summer day. I stood on the fire escape watching the downpour and listening to the hypnotic traditional Hmong music. I watched the neighborhood life happening around me.
In that moment, I saw what God can do. I saw how He could use someone sinning. I saw how He could protect me. I saw He was, most of all, there to comfort us no matter what the circumstances.
That's one of my Goliaths God conquered in my life.
1 Samuel 17:45
David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied.
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