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Amanda's Occasional Musings
  
Random thoughts, unrestrained meanderings, occasional rants, and joyful enthusiasm.

My Faithful Father, Enduring Friend
Your tender Mercy is like a river with no wind
It overwhelms me, covers my sin
Each time I come into Your Presence
I stand in wonder once again

(chorus)
Your Grace still amazes me
Your Love is still a mystery
Each day i fall on my knees
'Cause Your Grace still amazes me

Oh Patient Savior, You make me whole
You are the Author and the Healer of my soul
What can I give You? Lord what can I say?
I know there's no way to repay You
Only to offer You my praise

Your Grace still amazes me
Your Love is still a mystery
Each day i fall on my knees
'Cause Your Grace still amazes me

Its deeper, its wider, its stronger, its higher
Its deeper, its wider, its stronger, its higher
Than anything my eyes can see

Your Grace still amazes me
Your Love is still a mystery
Each day i fall on my knees
'Cause Your Grace still amazes me
Your Grace...still AMAZES me.

P.S. My name isn't really "Grace". But don't tell anyone, cause we're supposed to be traveling incognito here, and it's a big secret.

P.P.S. Just because heaven is a gated community, doesn't mean that God is a republican!
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Things I’ve Noticed Since I moved to the Woods. Feb 20, 2008 8:54 am
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Things I’ve Noticed Since I moved to the Woods.

The fog wafting through the trees is as lovely as the morning sun streaming through them, in its own way.

The mist collecting into clear drops of water at the end of branches is lovelier than jewels.

A dog inside a house always wants to go out, and a dog outside the house always wants to come in.

Quiet is a weird sound. Nice—but weird.

A wood stove is a lot warmer than central heat.

Pick-up trucks are NOT brand new shiny toys used just for showing off your manhood.

Getting the mail requires hiking boots and a walking stick.

Curb side garbage pick-up is a luxury most people take for granted.

Worn out, ratty blue jeans are NOT a fashion statement that one pays $75 for. They get that way from actual work.

The number of “friends” you have drops dramatically when they have to make an actual effort to see you.

Waiting for nice weather to do roof repair is not an option. Neither is waiting for a contractor to come out and do it for you.

Birds couldn’t care less what time your alarm is set for.

Don’t forget to take your shopping list with you. 7-11’s don’t grow on trees.

Life IS possible without cable TV and broadband internet. Really—I swear!!!

Peace is a good feeling.
3 Comments
Moving Day Feb 14, 2008 7:19 am
142 Views
It's here. The truck and trailer arrive tomorrow morning around 9ish. I'm sitting here surrounded by boxes and baskets and suitcases and bags full of stuff, furniture covered in plastic wrap, and somewhere in the mess are 2 cats and a puppy---somewhere. I'm going home.

I've said goodbye to some friends and some not really friends, I've promised to visit to others, spent an evening reading and coloring with my grandsons, and procrastinating about clearing and packing the kitchen. It's real. I'm leaving. I'm letting go of a life that wasn't working for me.

I spent the better part of the night in tears. I'm closing doors. Deliberately and forever. Some of the most unhealthy chapters in my life are coming to an end. I'm leaving behind a few of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. But all changes, even the very BEST changes, are also losses in one way or another. I'm grieving those losses. A huge part of me wants to leave those doors open, just a crack. A small chink remains in my armor. But I'm determined to close it. Kristy, my best friend, has locks and is even more determined. I'm not sure I could do it without her help. She stands ready and she's got my back.

My daughter is supporting me in this step. She's been amazing. I'm pretty sure I couldn't have done any of this without her strength to hold me up. I'm not sure she realizes exactly how much I have borrowed from and relied on her strength. She is stronger than I knew, and probably stronger than even she knows.

To those I've promised to visit, I WILL! To those I leave behind forever, I wish you well and the best, happiest life possible. But none of you will ever be forgotten. In a large part, you have all contributed to the woman I am today. Goodbye, God go with you, and in spite of what you may think, I have loved you.
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Changes... Feb 1, 2008 1:28 am
Mood: Conflicted, 185 Views
Today, it sank in. Big changes are being made. I've taken all the pictures off the walls of my fruit stand. I've packed up my tchotchskies. I'm using extra sheets as packing material and filling boxes. I'm planning what to take and what to leave behind. Half of my belongings are already in Washington.

I am moving away.

I hate it here. Being in this particular spot makes me physically ill. Not in any metaphorical sense. Very, very ill. Vertigo is NOT fun, and the noise and vibrations from the traffic on the Salem-Dallas International Motor Speedway exacerbates it no end. (That's my pet name for what is actually just the highway between Salem OR, 2 casinos, and the beach--but you wouldn't believe the traffic!) I rock; I spin; I fall down; I throw up; I stumble; I lie on the floor unable to move; I scream in terror as I claw at the carpet while the world spins mercilessly around me; and I throw up some more. Oh, my brain knows that I cannot fall off of the floor, but my body doesn't believe me and I cannot control the fear. And after all that, things start to get really bad.


My daughter, who co-owns this property with me, is taking over on her own. She has it all figured out and has convinced me that she can make it without Mommy. That's wonderful, really, but ouch! I don't think I was really quite ready for that. SHE is!! That's terrific. Mom is the wimp!

80 miles.


It doesn't sound that far, does it? To me, it is a shock to the system that I didn't expect. Oh, don't misunderstand. I WANT this. It's a good thing. It's the SANE thing. It's a step forward. But……..


I have never lived more than 4 miles from my kids and grandkids. NEVER. Most of my life, I have lived WITH one or the other. It has suddenly struck me. I am letting go. Oh, I know. My kids are grown up. My baby is 27, for heaven's sake. And as much as I love and feel bonded to my grandbabies, they are not MY babies. Now, I need to grow up. I need to let go. And it's REALLY hard. It hurts. Physically hurts.


I want to go. I want to stay. I want to take them all with me. I want to take care of everyone. I want to get out of their way and let them make it on their own. I want to gather them up in my arms and never let go. I need to let go. Bipolar disorder is NOTHING compared to a conflicted Mother's heart having to let go of being "Mommy" and step back to watch the kids fly. I feel like I'm doing the best thing for everyone, yet I feel like I'm abandoning my duties. But they are no longer my duties. They rightfully get their own lives, and I rightfully have to find my own. Had I been a less fearful person, I would have probably done so a long time ago, and been stronger and healthier for it.


I truly love where I'm going. I get to hang out with my best friend. God, I LOVE that idea. I get to live in an incredibly beautiful place that has given me more peace than I have ever known before. I get a desperately needed new start where some people that I need to banish from my life forever, but who keep turning up like bad pennies, can NEVER find me. (Heck, I couldn't find the place with a map and a compass myself!!!) I get to become reacquainted with some of the coolest people I have ever known; the man who will always be "MY Pastor" no matter where I go or how long I've been away; and his precious family (he has the NEATEST wife EVER!!). It's terrific. It's scary as hell!


I learned a long time ago that any change is a loss, even the best changes; and that we grieve those losses. I had forgotten, but it is still true. We do. So I rejoice, and I grieve. And then I find me, and my life. Thank you so much, Lord. Now, could you please give me the strength to rejoice in the new chance I've been given and not wallow in self pity over the old things I have outgrown and left behind?
2 Comments
One January Night Jan 16, 2008 12:15 am
Mood: Awed, 150 Views
It's 11:45 p.m. I'm taking my beautiful black Chow-Chow puppy (a most wonderful Christmas gift from an amazingly wonderful friend) out for his last walk before we turn in for the night. I'm bundled up in a warm soft coat (also a wonderful Christmas gift from the same wonderful friend), a soft, warm knitted scarf and cap set and comfy warm slippers (lovely, thoughtful Christmas gifts from my best girlfriend). I am so very blessed to have these dear, sweet, amazing people in my life.



The air is crisp and clean, and the night sky is like black velvet studded with stars that sparkle as brightly as diamonds. I have let my puppy have the run of his longest leash, and watch him as he bounds enthusiastically through the crunching frost-covered grass, up and down the deer trails that criss-cross the back of our property. He runs this way and that with joyful abandon, sniffing at the ground. I'm sure that the scents of the wild-life that come down from the woods into the tall grasses fascinate him. His curled up tail is wagging ferociously, and his little legs can hardly keep up with his nose.



As I watch him frolic, I can't help but think; "WILL YOU HURRY UP AND DO YOUR BUSINESS ALREADY, I'M FREEZING MY TUCKUS OFF OUT HERE!!!!"
0 Comments
That's football. Jan 14, 2008 8:14 pm
Mood: giggly, 143 Views
Well RATS!!

Both of my teams got knocked out of the play-offs this weekend. I think that the pod-people got the Seahawks, because that was NOT the team I’m used to seeing, Couldn’t have been the real Seahawks. Of course, my friends who like Green Bay are not quite done ribbing me yet. The Cowboys just plain choked. PPFFFFFTTTTTTHHHHTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!

But, the question is, now what do I do? I still have this Super bowl party to go to, and I have no idea who to root for. Or even how to pretend that I care! LOL!! But I have to have a reason to jump up and down and scream at the TV like an idiot, as if they can hear me! I suppose I have to wait and find out who is actually going to be playing and flip a coin! Or maybe I’ll just root for the underdog. Or maybe the team no one else likes, just to be contrary. That sounds like fun! Yeah, I think I’ll do that!

Oh, well, however it turns out, it’s still a good excuse to get together with friends, eat way too many hot wings and laugh (and scream) our heads off. When else can a woman my age act like a teenager and no one thinks she’s weird! Can’t beat that, now can you??

But, then again, when have I ever CARED that someone thinks I’m weird for acting like a teenager. Certainly not when I’m flying kites or trying to build a sandcastle with my grandkids at the beach (they usually end up looking like a mound of sand in the middle of a hole, but HEY, it’s FUN!!), or playing trucks with the 3 year old. Oh, what the heck, I AM weird. Deal with it!!!! ROFL! It makes life fun and interesting.
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That's football. Jan 14, 2008 8:12 pm
Mood: giggly, 140 Views
Well RATS!!

Both of my teams got knocked out of the play-offs this weekend. I think that the pod-people got the Seahawks, because that was NOT the team I’m used to seeing, Couldn’t have been the real Seahawks. Of course, my friends who like Green Bay are not quite done ribbing me yet. The Cowboys just plain choked. PPFFFFFTTTTTTHHHHTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!

But, the question is, now what do I do? I still have this Super bowl party to go to, and I have no idea who to root for. Or even how to pretend that I care! LOL!! But I have to have a reason to jump up and down and scream at the TV like an idiot, as if they can hear me! I suppose I have to wait and find out who is actually going to be playing and flip a coin! Or maybe I’ll just root for the underdog. Or maybe the team no one else likes, just to be contrary. That sounds like fun! Yeah, I think I’ll do that!

Oh, well, however it turns out, it’s still a good excuse to get together with friends, eat way to many hot wings and laugh (and scream) our heads off. When else can a woman my age act like a teenager and no one thinks she’s weird! Can’t beat that, now can you??

But, then again, when have I ever CARED that someone thinks I’m weird for acting like a teenager. Certainly not when I’m flying kites or trying to build a sandcastle with my grandkids at the beach (they usually end up looking like a mound of sand in the middle of a hole, but HEY, it’s FUN!!), or playing trucks with the 3 year old. Oh, what the heck, I AM weird. Deal with it!!!! ROFL! It makes life fun and interesting.
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First light of a new year, first sign of a new life? Jan 6, 2008 2:01 pm
Mood: peaceful, 146 Views
2008 Maybe there will be a change for the better?

I had an interesting thing happen this morning. Usually, just before I wake up, in that dreamy state between deep sleep and wakefulness, I have really weird dreams or horrible nightmares. Every single morning. It’s a crappy way to begin the day, and makes it a bit difficult to start out the morning in a cheerful mood.

Today, it was different. I was dreaming something very sweet, gentle and lovely. So beautiful that it brings tears to my eyes just thinking of it. Unfortunately, someone decided to call me on the phone very early in the morning (I’m sure I’ll forgive them, but I’m a bit peeved!) and ended the dream. Maybe they did me a favor and ended the dream before it went all wonky, but I’m still not happy about being jerked out of it early. I hope I get to dream it again. I really want to go back to that dream and rest in it, maybe even one day live it.

I also did NOT wake up thinking the same sad thing I usually wake up thinking, and didn’t think about it until I realized that I didn’t think of it! And even then it didn't make me feel sad. That was GREAT!!!!!

It was a nice change. It may have no significance at all, or it could be a portent of wonderful changes ahead for me, a sign, so to speak that I will be moving forward into a better place with better things, and hope for a lovely future. Or I could be “dreaming”!

I don’t care, it was a LOVELY thing, and I am celebrating the good things, even the smallest, this year! No dwelling in the past, no wishing things had been different, no longing for the things I can’t have and the things that didn’t happen and never will. I will cherish the wonderful things I do have, the people in my life whom I love (all of you!), the friends I’ve made and the little everyday joys.

So, Happy New Year after all. It just took a while to catch up to me!
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The more things change...... Jan 2, 2008 11:38 pm
Mood: cynical, 162 Views
....the more they stay the same.

I actually had a date for New Year's Eve this year. Oddly enough, even though it was a different person this year, he didn't show up either. That's 3 years in a row, now. He did at least call to cancel--at 6 p.m. But I suppose calling is an improvement over simply not showing up. Whoo-hoo. How exciting!

Do I have "Go ahead, ask me out--no need to actually show up!" tatooed on my forehead????

I wonder, is never having actually gone out on a date on New Year's Eve at the age of 48 a worlds record???

So here is my New Year's resolution. I am never, ever, EVER making a date for New Year's Eve again, as long as I live. I'll just have a nice glass of milk with my 40 cats. Hahahahahahaha! (Well, I am serious about that no more dates thing. Uncle!!!!)

Happy New Year!!!!! Hope all of YOUR celebraions were wonderful!!!
3 Comments
Reflections upon 2007 Dec 18, 2007 10:25 pm
Mood: contemplative, 121 Views
What a year it has been. What a horrible, wonderful, rotten, beautiful year. I suppose that can be said of any year that we look at. This one in particular has been, for me at least, most remarkable.

2007 has been a year marked by unspeakable pain and amazing joys; searing loss and incredible gain; heart-wrenching letting go and rewarding reaching out; tremendous sorrows and sparkling moments of happiness; unexpected changes and less-expected healing.

I rang in the New Year crying myself to sleep. My date for the evening was a "no-call, no show". He's probably the only man who presents diamonds as an "I won't be back, but I'm not going to tell you that, I'm just going to vanish" gift. The incredible foolishness of it all (on my part) is that he had done the same thing to me the year before. I mean nearly the EXACT SAME THING! Even the jewelry. At least the year before he HAD called to cancel—at the last minute; because he had decided-at the last minute-to buy his son a plane ticket to go visit his mother. The flight left on January 1st, at 6 a.m. Like he didn't have control over when he booked the ticket. Right. Sure. Uh-huh. (Maybe I DO have "dumbass" written on my forehead?)

I'm a naïve, forgiving sort of person. I try very hard to see the good, to give second chances—and third and fourth and fifth………. Not really smart, I suppose, but it is my nature. God knows, I've been given enough second chances. I still believe, deep down, that people can change. That one can separate the behavior from the person. That people can do horrid things but not be horrid people. Or at least, I like to believe that. I desperately want to believe that. Sadly, that belief is fading.

I have come to realize that people behave the way they behave because they are who and what they are. A person commits a crime because they are a criminal. A person reaches out with a kind hand because they are kind. A person consistently acts like a jerk because they are a jerk. (Everyone can have jerk-like moments. I do mean CONSISTANT.) A person comforts you in your sorrow because they are compassionate. A person behaves like a pig because they are a pig. A person behaves generously without ulterior motive because they are generous. A person refuses to apologize for causing a wound because they are not sorry. A person enfolds you in the warmth of love because they are loving. A person treats you like they don't care because—HELLO!!!—they don't care. People behave as they do because they are who they are.

This is a revelation to me. I guess I'm a slow learner. But I can be taught.

Sadly, New Year's Eve was NOT the last time I let this wonderful man jerk me around. I did it again, more than once. No matter how loving, kind, giving or forgiving I was, no matter how many chances I gave, he still walked away. This is the searing loss, not just of someone I loved (and I DID love him; no, I don't know why), but of my ability to trust.

But the year was not marked only by loss. While I was still reeling, I got an email from a stranger. For some reason, it caught my attention. I answered. She responded. The correspondence continued, and before I knew it, I had a friend. A real friend. A "through thick-and-thin, anybody who tries to hurt you has to come through me" friend. The kind of friend that will offer to whack some jerk over the head with a sturgeon rod for treating you like dirt. (Ever see a sturgeon rod?? Them's some really BIG rods!) And I think she just might mean it! Good thing for him that I forgot his address, he could end up with a big knot on his head!! She welcomed me into her heart and opened up her home and life, and embraced our friendship with the joy and enthusiasm of a child. She (literally) picks me up when I fall down, holds me when I cry, tickles me breathless when I'm cranky (first person in YEARS to even find the place that IS ticklish), even cleans my carport--cheerfully! She makes me laugh so hard I cry, or nearly wet my pants, and sometimes both. She is a gift from God, an incredible gain.

This year, I realized that my vertigo was NOT going away. The doctor was right. I have to live with it. I will always be a little sea sick, I will always take unscheduled rides on the demented merry-go-round on crack. I will bounce off walls and fall on my face and stagger like a drunk at times for the rest of my life. My career is gone, my independence is gone, and at times, not even my dignity is left to me. I had hung on to the slender thread of hope that I would one day wake up, and it would be over. I kept dreaming of a miracle until it became a bigger burden to me than the condition itself. Now, I have stopped. I accept it. It was indeed heart-wrenching to release that dream and let go of that hope, but in letting it go, I have been able to open the hands that were grasping it so tightly, and reach out toward new possibilities. So, ok, life isn't how I planned it. But what I had in mind isn't the only fulfilling or rewarding path on Earth. Ok, so tough, strong, independent, self-reliant nurse is out the window. But I'm looking around, and what do you know, I still have the titles of Mom, and Grandma, and now, friend. Not so shabby. I can live with that.

This year, my only son has bowed out of my life. I don't know what I did wrong, and he won't tell me, so I can't fix it. I tried. I really did. But I don't know what to fix. And I can't do anything other than to accept his decision, respect his wishes and keep my distance. The last time I saw his only child, she didn't even know who I am. This is the greatest sorrow of my life.

At the same time, even with the bumps in the road, my daughters have drawn closer, and some deep wounds have been healing. Watching them blossom and watching their children grow is my greatest joy. It truly does sparkle, and I am eternally grateful for second chances.

This year, the big rambling house that I loved was suddenly sold out from under my family. We bought property and moved. I have NEVER hated a place that I lived in quite so much as I hate this place. At the same time, my grandson's are thriving. A mixed blessing for certain, and a huge change. But then, life is one long series of changes, isn't it?

And now, in the latter half of this year, there is another new friend. We are getting to know each other slowly, but he has brought smiles to my face with his gentle way of reaching out in friendship, treating me with dignity and showing boundless generosity without "expecting something" in return. I've seen some of the most beautiful places in the Pacific Northwest that I haven't had the chance to see before, even though I've lived here nearly 25 years, just because he's a generous, giving spirit. About 3 weeks ago, he brought me the most fun gift yet. A darling little black furry ball of fire with personality plus and the sweetest disposition I could ever imagine. Boo is a cheerful, spirited little dynamo of boundless energy and unconditional love. Charles Schultz was right. Happiness IS a warm puppy. He almost never leaves my side, even now he is sleeping at my feet. He looks up at me as if I hung the moon, and his entire world explodes with joy if I just scratch his ears. Even out in the dark and the freezing rain, he still warms my heart and makes me laugh, seeing the world with brand new puppy eyes, investigating every little crevice and jumping at every little bug or rustle in the grass, but going back for a second look anyway. Young, fearless, and full of life. I love him. What an amazing, timely gift. But the most generous gift of all is the gift of friendship.

2008? Where do I go from here? Only God knows. It will probably also be a mix of good and bad, joy and sorrow, gains and losses. But you know what? In the end, even if you think you are going to DIE, you get through, you go on, and sooner or later, you realize that the good outweighs the bad, and life is good. Life is a gift. I'm throwing myself head first into it, and I'm not going to waste another moment of it.

2008?? Bring it on!!
0 Comments
2007 Dec 5, 2007 9:22 pm
104 Views
WELCOME TO THE 2007
HOLIDAY EDITION OF GETTING TO KNOW YOUR FRIENDS.
YOU KNOW THE DRILL, DONT BE A SCROOGE!!!

1- EGGNOG OR HOT CHOCOLATE?
HOT CHOCOLATE

2-DOES SANTA WRAP PRESENTS OR JUST PUT UNDER THE
TREE?
Santa just puts them under and around the tree. Family wraps.

3-COLORED OR WHITE LIGHTS?
Yes, of course.

4-DO YOU HANG MISTLETOE?
Not anymore. I got tired of NOT being kissed under it.

5-WHEN DO YOU PUT UP DECORATIONS?
Whenever I feel like it. Traditionally my family decorates the tree on St Nicolas Day (that's Dec 6 for the uninitiated.)

6-WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY DISH?
There you go again, ME??? Make an actual CHOICE??? AAAHHHaahhahahahahahahaha!

7-FAVORITE HOLIDAY MEMORY AS A CHILD?
My favorite thing about the holidays as a child is that my childhood is OVER!

8-WHEN AND HOW DID YOU HEAR THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA?
What truth about Santa? Is Santa keeping a secret?? He didn't tell me about it. Am I being left out?? I thought Santa loved me!!! Why would he keep a secret from me?????

9-DO YOU OPEN A GIFT ON CHRISTMAS EVE?
Yes, it's a tradition that I started when my kids were small. Everyone gets one present on Christmas Eve, and it's always new pajamas to wear to bed. My kids do it for their kids now, and even the grown ups are in on the act. I get them too!

10-HOW DO YOU DECORATE YOUR TREE?
With the help of any children who happen to be there at the time. .

11-SNOW...LOVE OR HATE?
I love snow, as long as I don't have to drive in it. And since I don't drive at all.........

12-CAN YOU ICE SKATE?
I could, once upon a time.

13-DO YOU REMEMBER A FAVORITE GIFT?
Ever ever?? I don't remember one in particular. I DO remember one that I got last year. I had thought I wanted it more than anything on Earth. Now, I'm seriously considering dropping it square in the center of the Columbia River.

14-WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT THE HOLIDAY FOR YOU?
My family, and the real reason that Christmas is celebrated.

15-WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DESSERT?
I already said I'm NOT making any choices!!!

16-WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TRADITION?
Christmas Eve. We have meat and cheese with cocoa or cider, light candles, listen to carols, get our Christmas jammies, and send the kids to bed. Then Santa visits!

17-WHAT IS ON TOP OF YOUR TREE?
Right this very second?? It's not decorated yet.

18-WHICH DO YOU LIKE BEST, GIVING OR RECEIVING?
GIVING! I just LOVE watching faces light up. I don't care one bit if I get NOTHING! But I've already been given a couple of EXTRA special gifts this year, and it isn't even Christmas yet!

19-WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CAROL?
The Carol of the Bells

20-DO YOU LIKE CANDY CANES?
They are SO beautiful on a Christmas tree. They don't look nearly as good on my hips.
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