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Amanda's Occasional Musings
  
Random thoughts, unrestrained meanderings, occasional rants, and joyful enthusiasm.

My Faithful Father, Enduring Friend
Your tender Mercy is like a river with no wind
It overwhelms me, covers my sin
Each time I come into Your Presence
I stand in wonder once again

(chorus)
Your Grace still amazes me
Your Love is still a mystery
Each day i fall on my knees
'Cause Your Grace still amazes me

Oh Patient Savior, You make me whole
You are the Author and the Healer of my soul
What can I give You? Lord what can I say?
I know there's no way to repay You
Only to offer You my praise

Your Grace still amazes me
Your Love is still a mystery
Each day i fall on my knees
'Cause Your Grace still amazes me

Its deeper, its wider, its stronger, its higher
Its deeper, its wider, its stronger, its higher
Than anything my eyes can see

Your Grace still amazes me
Your Love is still a mystery
Each day i fall on my knees
'Cause Your Grace still amazes me
Your Grace...still AMAZES me.

P.S. My name isn't really "Grace". But don't tell anyone, cause we're supposed to be traveling incognito here, and it's a big secret.

P.P.S. Just because heaven is a gated community, doesn't mean that God is a republican!
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It's SUMMER!! Jul 3, 2008 9:04 am
Mood: Giddy, 157 Views
Yep, it really is summer!

I was awakened this morning at 4:30 by a thunderstorm and rain. We have had 4 big thunderstorms out here recently. The one earlier in the week produced lightening that struck just across the dirt road from our house and scared the bajinkies out of us. 3 of my grandchildren are visiting and they saw it strike, I was in the kitchen chatting on the phone with my daughter (mom to the 2 younger ones), and I screamed like a little girl. We all nearly wet ourselves. No fire, but Lordy, I never want to be closer to that!

I was able to get back to sleep, but woke with an allergy overload. The only time I feel seasonal allergies is when the cottonwood fluff starts to fly. Around here it can look like snow drifts. I don’t see any fluff where I live, but I’ve seen it in town, so I knew this was coming.

My eyes are itchy, red, watery, and so puffy they were nearly swollen shut when I woke up, my nose is runny and I’m getting hives in various spots. Wow, don’t that sound attractive!?!?!?! Bet ALL you guys want a date RIGHT NOW!!! LOLOLOL! (Hmmm, dates—I think I remember those!)

Anyway, for the next 4 to 6 weeks, I will live on loratadine, Benadryl gel, and eye drops. But—Hooray!! Summer, GLORIOUS summer, is finally here!!!!

Time for bar-be-ques, and 4-wheeling, and early morning fishing trips, and camping at the beach, and wondering why the neighbors think it necessary to set off fireworks at 11:30 p.m. every night for a week, and corn-on-the-cob, and “Should I bother to set up the pool this year?” and camping at the beach, and “Good grief—we need to mow the lawn AGAIN!” and flea drops for the dogs, and shorts and tank tops, and sunblock, and camping at the beach, and potato salad with juicy, saucy, messy ribs, and ice cream, and running through the sprinkler, and home-grown tomatoes, and iced tea by the gallon. Oh, and maybe even a trip or two to the beach!!

AAAhhhh—summer! My favorite season—until fall. Then the leaves turn glorious colors and the sky is an amazing blue and the air is SSOOO crisp, and…oh, wait. I’m getting a little ahead of myself.
2 Comments
Fishers of men Jul 1, 2008 6:14 pm
Mood: Joyful, 155 Views
I took 3 of my grandchildren fishing this morning. It was a delight. At times, frustrating and aggravating, but delightful none the less. Small children are not exactly known for their endless patience. I have to grin as I catch a glimpse of myself in Father’s eyes.

I find it interesting that Jesus said, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” He didn’t say, “You will instantly be exceptionally talented fishers of men.” He said “I will make you.”

My little ones are fishers in the making. Just like me.

I look through the pictures, and there is a shot of the 14 year old. She tried to bait her hook—for about 3 seconds. That slippery little worm just will not cooperate and she gets grossed out, holds it as far from her body as she can and turns her head completely away from it. She was all excited about it until it turned into icky work, then she wanted us to do it for her, and that was just the prep work!

How often do I tell Dad, “The little suckers are just NOT cooperating, and it isn’t as much fun as I thought it would be!!”

There is a second shot of her lying on her side on the ground, rod in the air, sound asleep. Fishin’ hard she was!! After all, she had to get up at 5:45 a.m. What would she have done if a big trout had taken her hook then?

How many times had I gone to sleep at the wheel? How many opportunities to reach and maybe reel in just one soul have I missed because I’d decided I’d rather sleep through my life?

The 6 year old cast her line in with unbridled enthusiasm (she did it better than I did a couple of times too!!!), then swore up and down every time she jiggled her pole that a fish had done it. She knew good and well it had to be a fish. It was very, very hard to convince her that the motion she felt was her own. She reeled her line in time after time after time, very disappointed that the only thing on it was her worm and some weeds.

How many times had I gotten impatient, jumped the gun, reeled too early, and maybe missed the fish 2 heartbeats from taking the hook?

But that precious little 6 year old caught the first trout. She wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but knew something was. My roomie and I looked at each other and told her, “You’ve got one. REEL!” She reeled and reeled and worked that little fish up to the bank. She was so excited you’d have thought she caught a 400 pound Marlin. But we hardly got it off the hook before she was saying “I wanna do it again! I wanna get a bigger one!” Her little mind had already dismissed her accomplishment and was on to bigger and better things.

How many times does my mind do that? “That’s not enough! I want something bigger!”

We got her line back in the water, and within 3 minutes, she wanted to know why she hadn’t caught another, got totally bored and decided to go play on the playground nearby. By herself! After being warned twice not to go off without a grown up. She slipped off, scared the grown ups witless and got herself a serious time out.

How many times have I gotten impatient, decided nothing was ever going to happen, and moved on to something else, slipped away without checking with Dad first, and put myself into a situation I should not have been in, outside the Will,Grace, and Protection of my Father? Something else looks more rewarding and fun from here. Yeah, I’m really not supposed to, but it looks SSSOOO good……. And then I had to pay the consequences, and just like her, I whined about it too!

The 4 year old boy had done much the same as his 6 year-old sister, except that he had gotten bored, quit and started to throw rocks in the water. We had to tell him 6 times that it scares the fish away and not to throw things in the water. It was like-- he wasn’t catching anything, so he was going to spoil it for everyone else!

How many times have I pouted and spoiled things when stuff wasn’t going my way RIGHT NOW!?!?! And sometimes spoiled things for everyone else too?

But that precious little boy came back, got another worm on his hook, and with grandma’s help, cast out the line and learned to just wait. Then grandma heard “Uh-oh!” and looked over to see this beautiful blond boy with a perplexed expression on his face as the end of his fishing pole bounced all on its own. I jumped up, stood behind him and steadied his pole, and told him “You got a fish, baby, REEL!” He was so excited he tried to turn the reel backwards, but we got him going in the right direction, he got a determined look on his face and he reeled! He reeled in that trout all by himself, and you never saw anyone so proud. He held it up and showed it to everyone and made sure I knew we HAD to keep it, because HE CAUGHT A FISH! He fussed over it proudly and made sure it was safe in the catch bucket, made really sure we all knew HE CAUGHT A FISH!, then went back to fishing with determination for the rest of the morning and didn’t want to stop, even though he never got another nibble all morning.

I hope one day to have that concentration and determination to complete the tasks assigned me by my Father. I want to learn to be patient and do what I’m supposed to, instead of losing interest and wandering off to find trouble.

I’ve never been more in love with my grandchildren. I wonder, as I remember the morning, does my Heavenly Parent look at me with such joy and pride, even after I do all the silly, childish things I do. Does His Heart swell with unqualified love as He watches me try, stumble, screw up, and try again. Somehow, I believe it does.
3 Comments
The Bible in a Nutshell Jun 29, 2008 2:27 pm
Mood: amused, 144 Views
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.

The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died
off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked
some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.

Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.

Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,
but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.

(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would
be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
1 comment
Feeling a bit dated. Jun 28, 2008 9:40 pm
262 Views
I was puttering around in the kitchen earlier today, chatting with my roomie, and something about putting something off until tomorrow came up. I’m not sure of the conversation at all, just that there was a moment when it seemed appropriate to say “Same bat-time, Same bat-channel?”

She said “huh?” and gave me a bewildered look. So I repeated, “Same bat-time, same bat-channel” Silence as bewildered look continued. I stood there sort of flummoxed and said, “God, I’m old.”

How can any one not know that phrase?? I mean it’s right up there with, “Holy (insert metaphor here), Batman!” Or “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz”. “Beam me up, Scotty”? Although Captain Kirk never once uttered that line, EVERYONE knows it, right? (I'm going to MARRY the man who is impressed by my knowing that factoid!)

“Mama mia, that’s a spicy meatball”??? “Greasy kid’s stuff??” “A glass in every box of Duz”? Patty Duke? The Munsters? The MONKEES for heaven’s sake????

I picture vacant expressions everywhere and my kids looking for mom’s pills.

So I guess I’ll just go wrap up in my fluffy robe, slather on my industrial-strength super-firming anti-wrinkle cream, make some cocoa, take my Metamucil, and sign off until tomorrow.

Same bat-time, same bat-channel!

Sigh.

I guess you had to be there!
11 Comments
An odd thing Jun 27, 2008 5:35 pm
Mood: pensive, 167 Views
I was taking the short walk between our house and my roommate’s father’s house just a few minutes ago. There is something so majestic about the sun streaming down through 100-year-old firs sheltering an old dirt road. I walked into the cool shade, past the pond and down the hill. There is moss wrapped completely around the older trees. We joke that we live at the South Pole (think about it). The sun dappled the lane, the birds sang to each other, and there was a sound of wild life skittering through the undergrowth. It was sweet.

As I continued the walk, I noticed my solitude. I wasn’t really sad about it, but it gave me pause. I missed something….or someone. I’ve been single for a long, long time. In reality, since my first marriage started when I was 16—for all the wrong reasons—and ended at 23, (not my choice) and since my second marriage was far worse than the first (and for those who must ask, even though it was more than 20 years ago; yes, there are absolutely solid biblical grounds for my being divorced), it’s really like I’ve never been married, at least to me. I’ve never had that kind of sharing, that kind of deep knowing companionship that a true marriage should be. But today, I miss it.

Odd. How can I miss something I’ve never known? How can I miss a person I’ve never met? Odd as it is, today I do. I miss my husband.

I miss having him there, walking beside me with his protective arm around my waist. I miss his smile and his laughter. I miss his warm companionship. I miss the comfort of being held close to his side and sharing the special beauty of this place. I miss him.

I wonder if I had met him sometime in the past 49 years. The one God had intended. Had I been all wrapped up in me, my kids, my life, my stuff, and just not noticed him? Had I not paid enough attention? Maybe, I had not been where I was supposed to be at the right time, and never met him? Have I yet to meet him? Do I know him already and just not know that I know? Or does he not exist at all?

Is this the life I’m meant to live? Just as it is? Me and….me and a dog named Boo? I mean, it doesn’t suck or anything. I quite like it. I have my kids and grandkids and a rocking best friend, and other friends I like very much. And it’s good—really, really good. But today….just today…I miss him. It’s an odd sensation.
4 Comments
Creating your own chaos Jun 26, 2008 12:24 pm
157 Views
I had an IM conversation with someone not too long ago. Actually, it was an ex who was angling for a brief reunion, as long as he didn't have to put any real effort into seeing me, but that's another story entirely.

Anyway, we were talking about what some might look for in a mate. His view was that "perfection is not a good goal when looking for a perspective mate though..." My response was "only looking for 'not an -- uuhhh--something that refers to the rear half of a smallish equine species'"

His answer.."lmao... IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!! estrogen + testosterone = chaos!"

I thought about that for some time...you know what I think? NOT TRUE. He creates his own chaos as an excuse to avoid commitment. If you treat someone poorly enough times, you are going to get a bad reaction sooner or later. And that's his excuse to walk. He wounds you, you say "ouch", suddenly your behavior is unacceptable, and he leaves. Bonus points, he gets to blame it all on you.

But I think that it's true for a lot of us, male or female. We create our own drama, do stupid things that make life and love difficult and then wonder why we don't have a mate.

On my other super secret ninja blog on a nameless social networking sight (wink, wink) profile, I have a photo that says "The only consistent feature of all your dysfunctional relationships is YOU!" Yeah, I think that's true.

I'm done creating my own chaos. What can I learn about me that will help me avoid it?
4 Comments
A New Thought Jun 25, 2008 10:19 am
Mood: calm, 178 Views
I’ve had sort of an epiphany in the last few days. Living in this place of peace and having my best friend to talk to is sometimes better than $200-an-hour therapy. (I don’t think she realizes how wise she really is!)

For years, I have dreamed, even ached, to make a home and build a life with “the man I love”. But I’ve realized now, it’s far better to make that home and build that life with the man who loves me. Oh, no, he doesn’t exist. That isn’t the point at all.

It doesn’t matter what I do or how hard I try, nothing will make someone love me if they don’t. Nothing. I can turn myself inside out and upside down, or stand on my head and spin, but it won’t create love in the heart of another. It has to exist on its own. In the end, frantically trying to win the love of someone who can’t love me will accomplish nothing, except making me miserable. And I have had quite enough of misery in my life.

Oh, of course I'll love him! I've been assured by some who know that it is easier, far more joyful and peaceful to love someone who actually loves you. What a concept. And another piece of my former dysfunction falls by the wayside. Isn't life an interesting journey? One would think that concept would be a "no-brainer". But, for me, at least--it's another new thought in my journey of growth, learning and self-discovery.

So I’m going to stop pining away for “the man I love”. I’m going to make my home and build my life FOR ME, right here, where I am. And someday, when I’m ready, be that tomorrow or next week or 10 years from now, I’m going to look for and find “The Man Who Loves ME!!”. Then we will both be happy.
6 Comments
Happy Birthday to me. Apr 4, 2008 10:28 am
289 Views
It’s my birthday today. I am 49 years old. That number shocks me. Not because I’m so old, but because I feel younger than I ever have. I felt old at 10, ancient at 20. Today, I feel alive. Really, really alive.

I have started a new life. I’ve given up some old dreams, began dreaming some new dreams and then living them out. Giving up the old dreams seemed like such a daunting challenge. I thought I was going to DIE without them. But it hasn’t turned out that way. I’m not sure how it happened, but the new life seems better than that one I dreamt of. In this life, I get to matter. I get to be happy. I get to do what I want. I get to honor my feelings and care enough to meet my needs. I get to take care of me, nurture me; and surround myself with friends, family and nature. I get to try new things, learn new things, and live new adventures. I don’t have to wait for someone to do those things for me. I have more joy now as a single woman than I ever did when I was “attached”. Of course, the problem there, as it turned out, was that I was the only one of the two of us who was really “attached”. But it no longer matters.

As crazy as it sounds, running a log-splitter is fun. You can imagine anybody’s face on the end of a log and ram a wedge right through the middle of it. It even makes an incredibly satisfying sound. Chopping kindling is just as satisfying on a smaller scale. Growing seedlings with grandkids and your best friend is more satisfying that going to a ball PLUS you don’t have to keep up with your slippers. You can do it barefoot. Snowflakes are more beautiful than diamonds and an old house inside a snow globe is more beautiful than a palace; especially the view from the inside. Fir trees swaying in the wind are more graceful than marble columns, and frost-covered grass that crunches under your feet more lovely than teak floors.

A hug from your best friend is warmer than a mink coat. Dancing with your 3-year-old grandson is more exciting that waltzing with Prince Charming.

Last year, I wrote a blog in which I was feeling so very sorry for myself because I was single. Oddly enough, this new happy life was, in a way, born out of that blog. Because of that blog, I met Kristy, who is now my best friend. And I live in this place I love, my family comes to visit and play and loves it as much as I do. The joy on their faces as they plant seeds and romp in the country air mirrors my own.

This year, I’m closing my “birthday blog” differently. This year, I’m not wishing me a “Happy frickin’ birthday”. This year, I am saying—“This IS a happy birthday!!” This is a happy life. Thank you , God.

Happy Birthday to me!
11 Comments
Memories Mar 20, 2008 9:20 am
162 Views
I was standing outside just after sunrise, watching the dogs doing their thing, then romping for a while. There must be a million birds in the trees. It’s the first full day of spring. I think they know it. They are singing and calling to each other. It’s the only sound I can hear. And it’s amazingly wonderful.

The air is fresh and clean, having been thoroughly washed by multiple rains over the last few days. Situation normal for the Columbia River Gorge. But then, the air out here never seems dirty. It just smells so wonderful after the rains. The trees and flowers are budding, grasses are springing up. The frogs down by the pond sing to each other in the evenings. My grandkids, my roommate and I planted seeds to start for our garden. They sprouted yesterday. New life is bursting forth everyday, right before my eyes.

How timely. My new life, here in the woods, began only a few weeks ago. I love the peace, I love the quiet, I love the contentment. Odd, though, how I still feel the pull of the past. Somedays more and somedays less, but it is there.

Isn’t it amazing? We “start over”. Thinking we are putting everything behind us, we jump into the new and wonderful future. We are so sure that the past is just that—past. At least I did.

I realize now that I cannot turn my back and pretend what was never existed. Everything I’ve ever done, everyone I’ve ever known, every place I’ve ever been and everything I have ever felt has shaped me. They have become an indelible part of who I am. They have MADE me who I am. I’ve tried to shut some things out. I have tried to forget. I have failed.

Nothing is ever all good or all bad. Everything is a mix of both. Certainly, lots of things are weighted to one side or the other, but there is good and bad in everything. Oddly enough, some of the best things are mixed up in some of the worst. Heartbreak and joy don’t seem to come packaged separately.

So, since I cannot forget, I will remember and embrace the memories. Most of them are bittersweet. So I will remember, and I will smile and laugh and get mad and weep, until the sharpness fades and the sweet outweighs the bitter, and a gentle contentment comes over each memory. What was, was. My only assignment now is to accept, learn, and move on with life, where ever it leads me.
2 Comments
More Things I've Noticed Since I Moved to the Woods. Feb 20, 2008 11:49 am
198 Views
More Things I’ve Noticed Since I Moved to the Woods.

Choosing a roommate you like is important. Being able to stand yourself is essential.

Cook or starve. Burger Kings don’t grow on trees either; and Domino’s doesn’t deliver via UPS. Heck, you’re lucky if UPS delivers.

Well water is delicious!

Crocheting doilies and hoarding cats doesn’t sound so bad in this environment.

God is everywhere; but somehow, He seems closer here.

The sound of the wind blowing through the trees is beautiful.

If there is anything gross out in the woods, it is a given that the dogs will find it, chew it, roll in it or bring it home.

Indoor shoes and outdoor shoes are not silly. They are necessities.

“Detailing” a car is a stupid waste of time.

There are far more stars in the night sky than you ever imagined.

Being in a big tub full of hot water and bubbles, with the window open, staring at 100 year old fir trees is AMAZING!

As long as you don’t have anything gross on your sweatshirt or jeans, you are perfectly presentable.

Fishing does not require a 50 mile drive, a 35 foot boat and $10,000 worth of equipment. A rod, a reel, a hook and a worm on the bank works just fine.

Happiness is curling up in your bathrobe and slippers, in front of a warm fire, with a cat in your lap, a dog at your feet and your best friend on the couch, also curled up in her bathrobe with a cat in her lap and a dog at her feet.
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