Advertisement
Bringing people together in love and faith
My Blog
Blogs > GraceStillAmazes > Amanda's Occasional Musings
Amanda's Occasional Musings
  
Random thoughts, unrestrained meanderings, occasional rants, and joyful enthusiasm.

My Faithful Father, Enduring Friend
Your tender Mercy is like a river with no wind
It overwhelms me, covers my sin
Each time I come into Your Presence
I stand in wonder once again

(chorus)
Your Grace still amazes me
Your Love is still a mystery
Each day i fall on my knees
'Cause Your Grace still amazes me

Oh Patient Savior, You make me whole
You are the Author and the Healer of my soul
What can I give You? Lord what can I say?
I know there's no way to repay You
Only to offer You my praise

Your Grace still amazes me
Your Love is still a mystery
Each day i fall on my knees
'Cause Your Grace still amazes me

Its deeper, its wider, its stronger, its higher
Its deeper, its wider, its stronger, its higher
Than anything my eyes can see

Your Grace still amazes me
Your Love is still a mystery
Each day i fall on my knees
'Cause Your Grace still amazes me
Your Grace...still AMAZES me.

P.S. My name isn't really "Grace". But don't tell anyone, cause we're supposed to be traveling incognito here, and it's a big secret.

P.P.S. Just because heaven is a gated community, doesn't mean that God is a republican!
Title View |
GUESS WHAT!!! Jul 19, 2008 4:42 pm
Mood: jubilant, 152 Views
"That guy" sent me a mean-spirited comment kicking me while I'm down!!

(dances jig, does the "pulls the fist down and says "YESSSSSS" thing and laughs for joy!)

I have finally arrived and know I am TRULY accepted and an official member of blogland!!!

I am humbled!!



Hi everyone!


(don't go hunting, I took it down)
2 Comments
The wilderness revisited—or perhaps, never left behind. Jul 19, 2008 11:27 am
Mood: lonely, 178 Views
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

A wilderness

I have made the superficial physical steps to walk out of the wilderness. I have stopped the behaviors rooted in that wonderful, awful, fascinating, poisonous dream. My feet have turned and I walk in a different direction. All appears to be sunshine. All appears to be as it should be. On the outside. But I know a whitewashed tomb when I live in one.

Oh, but my heart. My tender, quivering, aching, coveting (yes, coveting) heart? Still firmly there. IT is still on that road, and the road is definitely marked with suffering.

Daily, no multiple times a day, my heart goes there. And I catch myself wistfully dreaming, thinking of a way to…….

That is the moment that I am beginning to train myself to instantly begin a prayer.

“Father, I give this to you. It isn’t mine and was never meant to be. Please take it and……" well, the rest of the prayer is private. Suffice it to say, I pray for God’s best, His Will, and His Blessing over that dream. Not for my selfish reasons, either. I have to state that in my prayer, because sometimes I feel that my motivations are selfish. I still want it FOR ME!! “Not so that I can have it someday, God, but that you may have it forever!”

I offer it up to him, time after time, day after day. And there is truly pain in the offering. I weep, and I whine, and I ask “why?” But, oh, my Father is faithful. Never once in these days have I felt that I was walking alone, that the sky was brass, or that my pain was meaningless. I have come to truly mean the blessings I have prayed over it; even though they are NOT for me.

There is a purpose. I don’t understand it, maybe I never will. But I walk in obedience whether I know or not. This is the path out of the wilderness. I don’t know the way, nor do I know how long the journey will be; but my Guide, my Father, HE knows. And He will not lead me astray.
3 Comments, 0 Pending
The news we never wanted. Jul 19, 2008 10:40 am
Mood: crushed, 197 Views
My roomie/BFF’s father has lung cancer. We’ve known this for a while, and he’s been undergoing chemotherapy for 3 months. Every 3 weeks, they pump poison into his veins. He wants to live until he’s 80, he is only 62. So he’s been fighting with everything he has. He struggles with the side effects. Mouth sores, hair loss, anemia, infections, pain, nausea, weakness, fatigue. But he wants this cancer OUT of his body. So he keeps fighting.

Fighting for more years with his daughter. Fighting for more time with his friends. I am honored that he counts me as one of them. This gentleman, in spite of all of this, is FUN to be around. Get the 3 of us together, and it’s a laugh riot. Plus, apparently I am the only person EVER who can fluster him so much as to render him speechless. So I must, of course, continue to do so at every opportunity. It is a joy.

Yesterday, he went for another round of chemo. He and his daughter (said roomie/BFF) spoke to his oncologist before the treatment. After some straight up questioning of the doctor, they were told that his is a stage 4 cancer; advanced and incurable. The treatment is only to prolong his life and they will continue as long as he wishes, but the cancer is terminal. The doctors have known this all along. But he wasn’t told. The excuse—“Some patients don’t want to know.” WTH?!?!?!?!?!? I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!!

So, for months now, my roomie/BFF and I have been supporting him, cheering every milestone, reassuring him that the suffering will be worth it, encouraging him to KEEP fighting, making plans for the future, cooking pudding and making milkshakes so he can eat with the mouth pain, teasing, laughing, cheering up, giving him shots for the anemia, disinfecting the house, fretting about every possible little sign that might mean infection, cheering up some more, and for what? So he can suffer some more, and THEN die? Because the patient and family weren’t told the truth.

Oh, trust me, I don’t want him to give up. He’s my friend, I love him. I want him HERE for as long as we are blessed to have him. But what happened to INFORMED consent? Didn’t he have the right to choose his path KNOWING the truth? Didn’t he have the right to decide if a few more months were worth the trade off in suffering? Didn’t he have the right to choose the quality of his last remaining time with us??? What right did some doctor have to decide “some patients don’t want to know” and take those choices from him?

So, now, not only does he, and we who love him, have to come to terms with his certain passing, we have to make peace with someone else having taken those very important decisions from him. Plus, now, he has to make those decisions anyway!

Sometimes, I hate this world.
8 Comments, 0 Pending
How's that again??? Jul 18, 2008 12:17 pm
Mood: LMBO, 220 Views
Eye halve a spelling chequer,
It came with my pea sea,
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.

Author Unknown

Shamelessly stolen from a friend--what spelling/grammar geek (Who?? ME????) could resist?
9 Comments
Time to tune your radar, girls…. Jul 18, 2008 10:48 am
Mood: amused, 223 Views
How to spot a scammer in 3 seconds or less.

Is the email title “Hello, Pretty”? Oh come on, no American male starts an email like that, right? At least, it’s been consistent in my world.

Is he 45-50, but his pic looks like a 22-year-old fashion model?? WOWSERS, what a looker!! Couldn’t be because that IS a photo of a 22-year-old fashion model, pulled off the internet. Amazingly enough, he’s the identical twin of the guy who was in love with me last month! Shot in the exact same pose—in the exact same place! Wow, this world is FULL of coincidences!

Does this man, born and raised in the good-ol’ US of A speak (write) in awkward, even broken, English? Open your ears, ladies---challenge that and suddenly, he was raised in Spain, but jeez, didn’t his parents speak English at home??? One guy actually told me it was because his mom was from the UK (they never say England either, it’s the UK). But wait a minute, I thought they spoke English in the UK!?!?!?!?

Was he widowed by a “tragic automobile crash”? Who do you know that uses that phrase? We say “car accident”, right?

Is he a “contracter” or a “bisnessman”? Run a spell check, every contractor I know can spell contractor—that’s c-o-n-t-r-a-c-t-O-r.

Is he an engineer/”contracter”/”bisnessman” from the OTHER SIDE of the continent from wherever YOU are, currently in West Africa on “bisness”? Wow, there are a lot of lucrative “bisness” opportunities in West Africa these days, aren’t there?? Sure there are, all of them are for lousy English speakers with nominal computer skills, trying to separate YOU from YOUR money.

Is he WILDLY in love with you, convinced you are an ANGEL sent down from heaven just for him, knowing he is JUST THE PERFECT GOD-FEARING HONEST man for you? I love how they are all GOD-FEARING HONEST men, trust them, they’ll tell ya! No foreign con-artist is going to lie to you, right?? They’re far too HONEST! And don’t forget “GOD-FEARING” They put those words in ALL CAPS just in case you miss that they are HONEST, GOD-FEARING men.

Is that first email 30 miles long, with parts of it in perfect, delightful English, and parts of it filled with spelling and grammatical errors that curl your hair?? Think cut-and-paste, and hit delete!

You must contact them at the "big Y" right away, because their membership is about to expire, but hold on, check the date they joined on their profiles, and it's yesterday! They have the super-secret-three-day-only membership! Or is it they know good and well that they are about to be booted outta here any second?? Ya know, I've chatted with several men for months and I still don't have their private email addresses, and they've never asked for mine! Maybe this angel wasn't sent down from heaven for them? (I just think they aren't all that interested. An interested man behaves in an interested manner.)

This is my favorite. You get IDENTICAL glowing-with-love, 30-mile-long emails, filled with part perfect English and part horrific English, from 2 different 50-year-old, look-like-22 “contracters” in different parts of the country. Great minds just think alike, right? Only explanation.

I confess to getting a certain wicked glee from occasionally corresponding with these bozos, giving them just enough rope to hang themselves with, before I report them to the powers that be. I’m not quite as dumb as I look, and I can get these poor guys so confused by their own lies that they don’t know their heads from a hole in the ground anymore. And so far, not a single one of them has realized how far deep they are in before I tire of it. (Girl's gotta amuse herself on those long Saturday nights somehow, right?)

I don’t know about the stuff the guys go through, because I’ve never heard from a lovely lady from Africa , nor from a Russian princess…..but somehow, I suspect they too might be burly guys with beards and poor English skills, busily cutting and pasting behind a computer monitor too!
10 Comments
It’s like television….. Jul 17, 2008 10:34 am
Mood: contemplative, 240 Views
I’m a bit puzzled by the uproar going on in certain blogs and comments. There are going to be offensive people every place you go. Supermarkets, auditoriums, bus stations, public squares, even churches, and yes, indeed…blog land. Christian or not, there are people who offend easily, sometimes unintentionally, and even sometimes deliberately and with a certain glee; and people who are offended easily. But why on Earth do the offended ones keep going back to the fountain of offense?

Do I like being called a lunatic, or a b**ch? No, but it happens, probably more often than I even know. I’ve even been called much worse! Do I care? Not really. I just don’t associate with those who are not intelligent enough to express their displeasure with more sophistication. (was that snipey? Is so a word!) What I mean is that I just choose to associate with those who like me.

If a book offends me, I don’t read it. If a movie offends me, I don’t watch it. If a song offends me, I don't listen. If a person offends me, I move away.

If a person compels me to walk a mile with them, I walk two. If a person compels me to give them my coat, I give them my cloak as well. Ok maybe that is an exaggeration. I haven't really arrived yet, but I want to. I'm on the journey. I am still working on loving those who hate me. But I HAVE learned to pray for those who despitefully use me. And it’s happened a LOT. This lesson is recent, but is it not what we have been commanded to do by our Father, who knows what is best for us, much better than we do??

It seems so simple to me. Remove yourself if you cannot bear it. And pray for the offender. No one compels you to continue reading the words that offend you.

It’s like television. Change the channel. Or turn off the set.
6 Comments
Is this how we should be treating our men?? Jul 15, 2008 2:48 pm
Mood: angry, 533 Views
Do the modern portrayals of our men make anyone else angry?

I was in the store the other day, and noticed a mom getting a DVD for her young children. It was The Simpsons Movie. I instantly bristled inside. How inappropriate is that for children? It may be a cartoon, but even I am not old enough to watch it.

Why does it bother me? I have never even sat through one episode of the Simpsons. I didn’t need to. I saw enough. In one word—Homer.

This man/husband/father/breadwinner is portrayed as a stumbling, bumbling, stupid, selfish, uncaring oaf. Throw in the dumb mom and the incredibly disrespectful, foul-mouthed kid, and it’s a recipe for disaster. And it ain’t just the Simpsons either!

Has anyone else noticed? TV ads everywhere. Is there one advertisement anywhere that portrays our men as the wise, strong, hardworking, caring, loving, admirable people that they can be, and that I believe, deep down, want to be? I don’t think so.

Sitcoms? Nope. Mostly the men there are portrayed as dumb, clumsy, lazy, lascivious, thoughtless jerks.

Dramas? Same thing—plus the source of tremendous pain for the women who are the heroes these days.

Email jokes?? I’m sure I don’t have to even explain this one. We have all seen them. Lots of us laugh and forward them on. I’ve been guilty. But in reality, they are NOT funny. They are degrading to our men. OH, I know, I know, that phrase is usually spoken about something the PC people regard as “degrading to women”. But I know I’m right. These things are degrading to our men. And we should be ashamed!

God placed these precious men here on a mission to lead, shelter, provide for, and protect their families. I think the silent, underappreciated majority turn themselves inside out and upside down to accomplish that mission. Is this how we as individuals and as a society repay them? And you know what, I’ve never heard even one of them complain about it either. Shame, shame on us.

Gentlemen, I have at times been guilty. I apologize from the depths of my heart. I could never do what you do with so little appreciation. I respect and admire you. May God bless you as you go about quietly accomplishing the tasks set before you, even without the respect and gratitude you deserve from us. Thank you.
40 Comments
Why aren't there more single men in church? Jul 14, 2008 9:35 am
Mood: Puzzled, 380 Views
Where are all the single men?

Do they attend church?? If they do, where? I don’t see ‘em!

This is a phenomenon I’ve noticed most of my life, but yesterday, it really started to bug me. I don’t go to services to “hook up” or find the love of my life. It would be nice, but that isn’t my motivation.

Before the service started yesterday my roommate, who knows that I’m “in the market”, started to tease me. “What about him?” “He’s kinda hot!” “OH! Look at that guy!”

My response was always, “Wedding ring.” Ok, I admit, once it was “Ew.” So I’m shallow, spank me. I’m an 11, I should be dating AT LEAST a 6, right?!?!? But even with him, I checked, and sure enough--“wedding ring.”

Then curiosity overwhelmed me, and I started to really look. There HAD to be a few unmarried men in the building, right?? I mean, there were ROWS of unaccompanied women in there, at least 5, not including the one where my roommate and I were sitting. It struck me as odd. Something is really missing here. All the men I could see were either sitting cozily next to a very happy looking woman, or sporting wedding rings. This really is weird. I looked harder. I found 2 apparently unmarried adult males. One of them was 20-something, and the other around my age. And it was his first time attending there. Out of about 300 people in the service-- 2!!! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!

I’ve sort of noticed this throughout my life, but this time, it’s really bugging me. It’s not just this church group, it’s a phenomena in every church service I’ve ever been too. Maybe not quite to this extreme, although I never counted before, but enough to be very noticeable.

So, where are you guys??? Do you attend some super-secret-single-men-only church? Do you have better things to do? Do you only attend to please your mates when you have them? Is church not “manly” enough? Are you hurt that the churches treat adult singles as sort of “less than” (yes they do, at least the women), so you don’t go? Am I just unlucky enough to find the wrong place 50 times in my life? What gives here?? Guys, I really want to know! Why aren't you at church? Comments, please.
32 Comments
A wilderness Jul 6, 2008 11:02 pm
Mood: melancholy, 196 Views
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name.

Blessed be your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name.

We sang this in church this morning. I love to sing. I sing almost constantly. I sing along with the radio, or I sing along with the songs in my head. This morning, I choked. The tears began to flow and my voice quavered to a halt.

I have been in a desert place—for three years. I have been in a desert place wandering in a wilderness of my own making. I have allowed a stupid, stupid dream that I KNEW wasn’t right to supplant God’s place in my heart.

Oh, this doesn’t mean that I stopped loving God. It just means that I wanted what I wanted more than I wanted God. And that is sin—sin that led to more sin. I sat there ashamed.

Don’t mistake me—God pointed this out to me ever so gently, ever so lovingly. The Holy Spirit has NEVER once been anything less than gentle with my heart when convicting me of sin. The feeling of shame came from me.

I confessed to Father, and I know I stand in forgiveness. But I also had to confess that I don’t have any idea how to stop. Within moments that dream reasserted itself, and I had to push it aside to focus where I should have been. It was a real struggle. I don’t want to give it up. But I had to. I have had to do that over and over again today. I’m sure I will have to do the same tomorrow. I am sure it will be just as difficult.

I know where I went wrong; I just don’t quite know how to stop myself. I still want that dream. It isn’t good for me; it will NEVER bring me joy or peace. It will never even be mine. It’s like an addiction, an obsession that I can’t give up in an instant. Or overnight. Maybe not even for years. I don’t know if I even have to give it up, but I do know that I cannot allow it to come before God in my life. But it has been the focus of my heart and mind for so long that I don’t know how to change that. Is there a way?

Will it be sufficient to place it to the side each time I recognize what I am doing? Will it eventually become less and less powerful as I continue to practice doing so each day? Will it be a horrible struggle for the rest of my life? I don’t know. I am not sure if I will ever have peace regarding it. I continue to cry over the loss of it, and I continue to cry over my allowing it to take first place in my heart, even over God. I am so ashamed.

Perhaps I need to give that dream TO God. Nice words, but I don’t know how. I think that may be the answer, but I have to learn how to accomplish it. I don’t want that to be a platitude. I want to make it a reality. I need some lessons. My grip has been so tight, I am not sure that I even can give it over. I only know that I have to try.

I need to leave the desert. I need to choose to allow my Lord to lead me out of the wilderness. It isn’t nice here; I’m not having much fun. I’m not at all certain why I would choose to stay here, but I have chosen exactly that for a long time now.

Father, please lead me out of here. Please teach me to open my fists and allow You to take this from my grasp. Make my dream, my focus and my obsession You. I know that nothing of man can ever give me the joy and peace You can. Please let that sink into my heart and teach me daily to give YOU Your rightful place. Teach me to choose to follow You, and not a stupid dream that may never come true.
7 Comments
Happy 4th! Jul 4, 2008 12:47 pm
Mood: Independent!, 188 Views
Happy Independence Day to all the friends I've met here, all the new friends that pop up, and all the friends I can barely wait to meet here on BC!

Hugs and fireworks!
~Amanda~
8 Comments
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

To link to this blog (GraceStillAmazes) use [blog GraceStillAmazes] in your messages.
Guidelines
September 2008
Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
  1
  		2
  		3
  		4
  		5
  		6
 
7
  		8
  		9
  		10
  		11
  		12
  		13
1
14
  		15
  		16
1
17
3
18
  		19
  		20
 
21
1
22
  		23
1
24
  		25
  		26
  		27
 
28
  		29
1
30
  		       

Recent Visitors
VisitorAgeSexDate
spiritfilled05256F10/4
OceanBlue122 40F10/4
Kristina_hopes633F10/3
YOUNG53M53M9/30
aneleh51F9/29
yogui9135454M9/29
chosenson2 52M9/25
MomT97F9/24
Rebekka_returns 61F9/22
wpx146M9/22
Most Recent Comments by Others
PostPosterPost Date
A special timeGraceStillAmazesOct 1 10:06 am
Well, there’s yer problem……….IndependanceSep 23 8:03 pm
Called to come awayGraceStillAmazesSep 23 6:36 am
A wounded and broken heartGraceStillAmazesSep 22 11:48 pm
You can't cut your hair.wpx1Sep 22 3:18 am
Nothing to sayGraceStillAmazesSep 19 2:09 pm
Or maybe....possibly....even......Rebekka_returnsSep 19 7:08 am
I gotta be......ReadingandRosesSep 18 7:38 pm
Or is that.......Rebekka_returnsSep 18 7:05 am
I am still aliveOneLady7Sep 15 8:53 pm
FOR MY EYES ONLYGraceStillAmazesSep 14 11:42 am