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Amanda's Occasional Musings
  
Random thoughts, unrestrained meanderings, occasional rants, and joyful enthusiasm.

My Faithful Father, Enduring Friend
Your tender Mercy is like a river with no wind
It overwhelms me, covers my sin
Each time I come into Your Presence
I stand in wonder once again

(chorus)
Your Grace still amazes me
Your Love is still a mystery
Each day i fall on my knees
'Cause Your Grace still amazes me

Oh Patient Savior, You make me whole
You are the Author and the Healer of my soul
What can I give You? Lord what can I say?
I know there's no way to repay You
Only to offer You my praise

Your Grace still amazes me
Your Love is still a mystery
Each day i fall on my knees
'Cause Your Grace still amazes me

Its deeper, its wider, its stronger, its higher
Its deeper, its wider, its stronger, its higher
Than anything my eyes can see

Your Grace still amazes me
Your Love is still a mystery
Each day i fall on my knees
'Cause Your Grace still amazes me
Your Grace...still AMAZES me.

P.S. My name isn't really "Grace". But don't tell anyone, cause we're supposed to be traveling incognito here, and it's a big secret.

P.P.S. Just because heaven is a gated community, doesn't mean that God is a republican!
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A legacy; a gift; and a life reborn. Aug 12, 2008 11:52 pm
Mood: Grateful, 247 Views


Most of you will have read my post "The loss of a friend". Here is the rest of the story:

When Carol found me, I was indeed living in self-imposed isolation. I existed, but I did not live. I went nowhere, I spoke to no one. I did not allow myself to be touched, physically or emotionally. I had my 3 children, and my mother was in my home, but other than that, no one entered my world. I had reasons, but they are not relevant here.

Carol shattered that isolation. For those 2 short years, I lived, I laughed, and I loved. I still did not allow myself to be physically touched, but she gave me a life unlike anything I had ever known. When she died in 1994, I thought I would die too. I certainly believed that I would re-enter that self-imposed isolation never to reappear. But that isn’t what happened.

Her touch upon my life gave me the strength to exit my cocoon. One year after her death, I entered college. I didn’t make friends, but I did manage to be sociable. I graduated nursing school with honors four years later, fulfilling a life-long dream.

Along the way, her gift allowed other changes to sift into my life. Some were subtle, some were so drastic that I am now totally unrecognizable as the same woman she found in 1992.

In the late summer of 1996, I began attending church with a couple of family members. I don’t even know why. I hated God and I believed he hated me. But God knew why. It was His plan all along. I would never have entered that place had Carol not planted within me the desire to somehow build a life.

An odd thing happened one Saturday morning. My family members were taking a baptism class. I had no interest in it, but I didn’t want to be alone amongst a bunch of strangers, so I went with them. The regular teacher was out sick. So an associate pastor took his place. He wasn’t prepared to teach the scheduled class, so he jumped ahead. So, a person who hadn’t planned to be teaching taught a subject that wasn’t planned to be taught to a person who hadn’t planned to be there. Except that God had planned the whole thing. That morning the words of love and forgiveness that God planned to be spoken reached the heart of a woman who believed He could never forgive or love her. And she believed.

On September 28, 1996, I was reborn.

I began to blossom. I made friends. I was baptized. At my baptism, I hugged everyone within reach and a lot more who got in line when they realized what was happening. You see, when most of the people there who knew me first met me, they extended their hands to shake mine, and the first words I spoke to almost everyone were, “I’m sorry, please don’t take it personally, but I cannot bear to be touched.” Those were even the first words I spoke to Pastor Mike. And I meant those words. This family realized the miracle they were witnessing. Amanda was allowing herself not just to be touched, but fully embraced; for the first time in years, except for the last time I had seen Carol conscious. I have never stopped hugging people since. I’m practically famous for it.

I began my career, and more changes occurred. I became out-going. Even more than out-going. I became a full-bore, all-out extrovert. I began to enjoy life. I changed jobs, I found the career of my dreams and I excelled at it. I loved my life!

Then, I met a man. I hadn’t had a relationship in 15 years. And I fell 100% completely and totally head-over-heels in love. I went with it, I allowed myself to feel and revel in it. OH, he was also 100% the wrong man, but that isn’t the point. I LOVED HIM! It was a disaster, but I learned from it. I learned that I had the capacity to love completely. I took the risk. I got hurt, and deeply, but I still believe the risk is worth it. If I ever find the RIGHT man, I know I can love him with everything inside me.

Then, last year, a funny, sweet, kind, gentle girl responded to a blog I had written on my birthday. And lightening struck a second time. Again, I am blessed with the best friend of a lifetime. Kristy is a blessing beyond blessing.

Today, on the anniversary of my dearest friend’s death, my dearest friend went with me to a coffee house where I bought myself my annual hazelnut mocha in memory of Carol; and she sat with me and remembered the woman she never met, but without whom Kristy would never have met me. And we realized that in a funny way, life has completed its circle. Only this time Kristy is me, and I am Carol.

I pulled her out of her self-imposed isolation, and together, we LIVE! Kristy and I talk until we are talked out, and then we talk some more. We dance in our living room. We plant flowers. We grow herbs. We cook interesting things, and most of them are even edible. We sing, we laugh, we play like children do when the adults aren't watching. In a way, Kristy is the most incredible gift of Carol’s legacy.

Did she love me, or what?
9 Comments
George W.'s war Aug 12, 2008 9:26 pm
187 Views
Read this to the very end.

No one likes war. War is a horrific affair, bloody and expensive. Sending our men and women into battle to perhaps die or be maimed is an unconscionable thought.

Yet some wars need to be waged, and someone needs to lead. The citizenry and Congress are often ambivalent or largely opposed to any given war. It's up to our leader to convince them. That's why we call the leader 'Commander in Chief.'

George W.'s war was no different. There was lots of resistance to it. Many in Congress were vehemently against the idea. The Commander in Chief had to lobby for legislative approval.

Along with supporters, George W. used the force of his convictions, the power of his title and every ounce of moral suasion he could muster to rally support. He had to assure Congress and the public that the war was morally justified, winnable and affordable. Congress eventually came around and voted overwhelmingly to wage war.

George W. then lobbied foreign governments for support. But in the end, only one European nation helped us. The rest of the world sat on its hands and watched.

After a few quick victories, things started to go bad. There were many dark days when all the news was discouraging. Casualties began to mount. It became obvious that our forces were too small. Congress began to drag its feet about funding the effort.

Many who had voted to support the war just a few years earlier were beginning to speak against it and accuse the Commander in Chief of misleading them. Many critics began to call him incompetent, an idiot and even a liar. Journalists joined the negative chorus with a vengeance.

As the war entered its fourth year, the public began to grow weary of the conflict and the casualties. George W.'s popularity plummeted. Yet through it all, he stood firm, supporting the troops and endorsing the struggle.

Without his unwavering support, the war would have surely ended, then and there, in overwhelming and total defeat.
At this darkest of times, he began to make some changes. More troops were added and trained. Some advisers were shuffled, and new generals installed.

Then, unexpectedly and gradually, things began to improve. Now it was the enemy that appeared to be growing weary of the lengthy conflict and losing support. Victories began to come, and hope returned.

Many critics in Congress and the press said the improvements were just George W.'s good luck. The progress, they said, would be temporary. He knew, however, that in warfare good fortune counts.

Then, in the unlikeliest of circumstances and perhaps the most historic example of military luck, the enemy blundered and was resoundingly defeated. After six long years of war, the Commander in Chief basked in a most hard-fought victory.

So on that historic day, Oct. 19, 1781, in a place called Yorktown , a satisfied George Washington sat upon his beautiful white horse and accepted the surrender of Lord Cornwallis, effectively ending the Revolutionary War.

What? Were you thinking of someone else?
5 Comments
The loss of a friend Aug 12, 2008 12:18 pm
Mood: Bereft, 256 Views


She has been gone 14 years now. Time is supposed to heal all wounds. At least that's what "they" say. I don't know who "they" are, but I think they are lying. Or they have never experienced a real wound.

Her name was Carol. She was an amazing woman. She was given to me as a blessing, and became my friend when I had no friends. I had decided that I didn't want any, either. But Carol was having none of that! She decided that she WAS going to be my friend—whether I liked it or not. She literally drug me out of my chosen isolation, and she made me live.

We danced in her living room. We planted flowers. We grew herbs. We cooked interesting things, and most of them were even edible. She bought me my first hazelnut mocha. We made earrings—dream catchers. I still have a few. We talked until we were talked out, and then we talked some more. We sang, we laughed, we played like children do when the adults aren't watching.

She was the first person who gave me the gift of unconditional love. She knew me inside and out. In all my insanity. And she loved me anyway. Through my joys and my sorrows. Through my failures and my triumphs. Through my highest highs and my lowest lows.Through my stupid mistakes and my flashes of wisdom. She may have asked me what the hell I was thinking, but she loved me anyway.

She was the kind of person who loved small adventures. We would climb into her van and explore our world. She would be driving to nowhere in particular, see an unfamiliar street, say "That looks interesting!", and then turn and off we'd go. She was always right, too. We found bead shops, tea houses (bangers and mash are boring, by the way!), eclectic stores with even more eclectic merchandise, coffee shops, ethnic markets, craft stores, flower stands, and novelty shops with really---uummmm—UNUSUAL goods and obscene cards that we laughed ourselves silly over. She pulsed with life. She was the very definition of living, and she really LIVED to the max. But she had a time bomb in her head.

And then, 14 years ago yesterday, that bomb went off. An aneurysm in her brain ruptured. I believe that the person she was died within moments. Her body lingered for a day, but SHE was gone. She was placed on a machine that breathed for her, and her heart kept beating. I think she would have hated that. But she was so strong, so full of life. I believed she would beat this, that she would come back to us. My denial was so strong that I went home and slept. Her brain totally gave up in the night. While I was home sleeping, certain that SHE would wake up, she slipped into eternity.

I still feel like I let her down. I should have been with her. She was the one person who loved me, and I wasn't there. I left her to die alone. She would have been there for me. She would never have left my side.

A woman that knew her said that Carol talked about me a lot. She said that she had been waiting all her life, and had finally found her best friend. And that best friend was me. We only had 2 years, 2 short years, and then she was suddenly gone. The color left my life. I had a hole in my heart that you could drive a Mac truck through. I was remodeling my house. I stopped. I never started again. I have never made another earring. I have never entered another bead shop or tea house.

The only thing I am grateful for is that the last night of her life, as I left her house, I put my arms around this amazing lady, and I said to her "Do you know that I love you very much?" She hugged me back, and said "I know. I love you just as much." That was so very unlike me at that point in my life. The next morning, she was gone.

She was so young. Life is so very, very short. For God's sake, if you love someone, say those words. Put your arms around them, tell them. They can be gone in a heartbeat. You could be gone in a heartbeat. The people you love should know. Tell them, don't leave it undone. Don't let the things you regret in life be the things you left undone.

I miss you so much, Carol. I will always miss you, and I will never forget you. Thank you for your incredible gift to me. Yourself. Your legacy remains. Today, I love. Even though I know the risks. You taught me that the risk is worth it. Oh, I've been hurt a few times. But you were right. It is worth it.

I hope that you are at peace. And I hope that you will be there waiting when I too, slip into eternity.

(NOTE: This was written one year ago. I have only updated the number of years. Nothing else has changed, including how I feel about this remarkable lady, or how much I still grieve.)
10 Comments
Very best post of the week Aug 11, 2008 11:26 pm
131 Views
Everyone needs to read "Dancing with the Devil here. Wisdom indeed.
0 Comments
Enjoy your pancakes, Jesus? Aug 11, 2008 10:20 am
Mood: Blessed, 236 Views

Sometimes I feel pretty useless. I’ve been medically retired for 2 years, 10 months now. Sometimes being a dizzy dame gets in the way of feeling productive. I have absolutely no doubt that I am loved, exactly the way that I am. But what I really want is to DO something! Anything! The times when I’m going to be out of commission completely are not predictable. It would be nice if I could just choose to be riding the demented merry-go-round when I have time. You know, Mondays aren’t good and Sunday is church, I’d really like to go fishing on Wednesday, and I’d sure like to hold even a part-time job. So, could you please whirl only on Tuesdays and Thursdays and on alternate Wednesdays? Don’t mess up my weekends, either! And if you don’t mind terribly, could we just skip the nausea completely??? Thanks ever so much.

But it doesn’t work that way.

Last Sunday a guest speaker at church talked about service; and about how what we do for “the least of these” we do for Jesus. This morning the message sunk in.

Well, duh—so maybe I don’t get paid by man for going out and doing for man. But, I’m not useless.

Sure, this week I spent some time in my recliner feeling miserable. BUT—

Last weekend I spent time loving on my grandsons. We went fishing, we went to church, we had a barbeque. We went up the hill to Jim’s house, and I shared them with Jim, who LOVES children and lights up when they visit. I gave them the unique experience of feeding apples to a small gathering of deer.

Yesterday I spent an hour peeling small apples from Jim’s favorite tree, and baked an apple crisp for him to share with his son and grandkids.

Last night I made a pot of coffee—in the strength Kristy prefers. She is a giver and a pleaser. You see, she has been spending a lot of time at her dad’s since he started chemo. He likes his coffee weak. Well, actually, he likes his coffee totally helpless. I don’t think he even likes coffee, I think he just wants to look grown up. So, she makes the coffee the way he likes it. I like my coffee strong enough to stand without a cup. So, here, she makes it my way. I’ve told her multiple times that she can make it her way, but she’s always saying “No, no, that’s fine, I can drink it this way.” And she always makes it my strength. So here, she drinks coffee that curls her hair. She’s that way about everything. Kristy always comes in last with Kristy. But last night, she was here while Jim Jr and kids visit Jim Sr. After she went to bed, I made a pot of coffee to brew when she got up to go to work. Medium. And I left her a note; “Try me. Mandy says that I actually require a cup.” I smiled as I went to bed thinking how nice it will be for her to start her day with coffee her way.

This morning, I again peeled apples and made topping for apple-topped pancakes. 2 other grandsons are here now, and they LOVE apple-topped pancakes. I won’t peel apples at 8 a.m. for just anyone. Well, actually, I probably would, but that isn’t the point.

This morning, as the kids were scarfing down the pancakes, I swear I heard the Lord whisper to me that the pancakes were terrific. WHAT??????

Then it dawned on me. The sermon sunk in. “Whatever you do for the least of these, you do for me”

So what if I can’t hold a paying job yet? Maybe that will come, maybe it won’t. I get to take Jesus fishing and to church. I get to show Jesus how neat it is to feed deer, and I get to light up His day by sharing my babies with Him. I get to hug Him and play with Him and say bedtime prayers with Him. I get to barbeque and make desserts and dinners and coffee and apple-topped pancakes for Jesus. That beats any “career” on Earth.

LOL! More coffee, Jesus?? Medium, just the way you like it!
17 Comments
Sometimes I'm not too swooft! Aug 10, 2008 10:14 pm
Mood: Not too swooft!, 259 Views
Yes, I said "swooft". Is so a word. Ask anyone from the land of Dixie.

"Swooft"--reasonably intelligent, somewhat smart, having a modicum of sense, able to safely cross a street alone if there isn't any traffic.......

Today was one of those days. I peeled apples and baked an apple crisp for Jim and his guests. I then poured charcoal (you know, the really black briquettes with the really black dust that gets everywhere) into the grill and lit it, prepared chicken, cooked it (complete with sauce), brought it in the house, served it to the grandsons, ate some, then served and ate ice cream with chocolate syrup. Then I looked down and realized that I am wearing my WHITE Levi's. My favorite WHITE jeans---the ones that look really HOT on me (IMHO ), the ones I love, the ones I would slit my own wrists if I ruined. Yeah, those WHITE Levi's.


Luckily, somehow, Miss Clutz-of-the-Year managed to do ALL of this, without getting anything on them. Miracles do indeed happen. But still--it wasn't too swooft!
19 Comments
Why would God care about THAT? Aug 9, 2008 4:12 pm
234 Views


It’s such a little thing. Wholly insignificant. In the grand scheme of things, probably not a blip on anyone’s radar---except mine.

You see, 9 years ago, I was a fairly new Christian. Almost exactly 3 years old. Barely out of diapers and still needing a lot of milk. A toddler Christian???? LOL—works for me.

I was just out of college and had just started my nursing career. I had bought a little manufactured home in a park (NEVER DO THAT!!). It was nothing fancy, but it was mine. A group of folks from my church family had come to my house for a home blessing. We had a wonderful time of fellowship together, and they prayed over my little house and my family. It was so very special to me.

During that gathering, I had been blessed to be given a couple of scriptures. One was Ezekiel 16: vs 4-14. VERY apropos and meaningful to me, but the whys of that are another story.

During prayer after these scriptures were given, the pastor’s wife felt moved by God to take a little gold ring in the shape of a rose, with a tiny diamond in the center, from her finger and place it on mine as a symbol and remembrance of these scriptures. I have worn that little ring everyday since. Every day for 9 years.

I’m sure it has almost no monetary value. There is nothing about it to look at that would make it seem special. Ironically, I don’t even like diamonds. Not even a little bit. But that little ring had more meaning to me than any other material possession I’ve ever owned. And today, I did something stupid.

Kristy’s half-brother, Jim Jr, had brought his 3 kids from Kentucky to see their dad, Jim Sr. I have 2 of my grandsons here. We were up at Jim’s house making breakfast for the gang. Biscuits and gravy---mmmmmmmm. Let me tell you folks, this little Georgia gal can cook. But in order to properly make biscuits, you have to mush up the dough with your hands. So I took off my little rose ring and the mother’s ring I wear on the other hand, and I put them in my pocket.

After breakfast, Kristy, the boys and I went to Walmart and then the produce store. When we got back home, I got my keys out of my pocket and remembered my rings. I dug out my mother’s ring and slipped it on. Then I went back into my pocket for the little rose. Not there. I felt in the other pocket. Cell phone, but no ring. A feeling of dread came over me. Back pockets—ridiculous, but….. no ring. My heart sank.

We looked all over our house. No ring. A knot formed in my throat. We went up to Jim’s kitchen. No ring. The tears started flowing in earnest. To me, this little ring was a tangible gift from God Himself. We went back down to our house, and Kristy, amazing friend that she is, drove all the way back to Walmart and searched the parking lot. Then she went all the way to the produce store and hunted there. I cried for a while, prayed for a while, kicked myself for a while, and prayed some more. Kristy even went back to her dad’s house and searched the motor home and the driveway. Then she came back empty-handed and hugged me while I cried.

I tried to make peace with it, but I couldn’t bear that I had lost this precious little gift. How stupid. To put something that precious in a pocket and forget it. The same pocket I keep my keys in.

I went on with my day, started making ice cream for our barbeque later today. I ran out of vanilla, so I sent Kristy up to Jim’s to snag some. She came back with a funny little grin on her face, and pulled the vanilla out of her pocket. Then she grabbed my hands and said, “But first come here”. Bigger grin. It started to dawn on me.

“Don’t tell me----you didn’t?”

This amazing best friend of mine pulls a tiny little gold ring out of her pocket. Now I was crying tears of joy.

She said she was leaving Jim’s house, when she felt prompted to look over behind her and to the left. There, on the gravel drive, where she has looked before, this tiny, insignificant, precious little ring sparkled up at her.


You can’t tell me God doesn’t answer prayer.

So, why should God care about so tiny a thing? I don’t think He does. But He does care about his children. He cares about my heart. And He cares that I care. He cares enough to send it back to me. Isn’t He wonderful???
18 Comments
More Joys Aug 8, 2008 1:07 pm
Mood: Very Blessed, 221 Views
Worshipping God just for Who He is

Planning a vacation trip with 2 of my favorite people (look out, Montana, here we come!)

A big ripe juicy peach

A long warm tight hug

Birthday parties

Homemade ice cream

Trying and failing to keep a straight face

Being kissed until I’m breathless (vague memory, but still…)

Tickling my grandbaby

Chocolate

A hot bubble bath

A good book

Homegrown tomatoes

Alone time

Together time

Cooking a meal for someone special and watching them go back for seconds

Photo albums

Corn on the cob

Flowers

Autumn leaves

A walk in the moonlight

A really funny movie—with buttered popcorn

Knowing that I matter

Showing “him” that he matters to me

A warm fire on a cold, rainy night

The scent of a baby

Hearing “I love you, Mom!”

Daydreaming

Unwavering confidence in my salvation

12 Comments
Harrison Ford just hotlisted me!! Aug 7, 2008 10:04 am
Mood: Thrilled!, 281 Views
OH MY GOODNESS!!! I can't believe it!! I'm so excited!! (fluffs hair, checks makeup, brushes toast crumbs from blouse) I just can't wait to hear from HIM!!

I'm sure we will jet off to Paris for our wedding, and honeymoon in Tahiti! (Note to self, buy some SPF 20,000 sunscreen) We will sit together in church, and every woman there will envy me! We'll have GORGEOUS babies (oh, I would for my HARRY!!!), and live happily ever after!!!!

What's that??? Oh, come on---they wouldn't let it through if it wasn't really him, I'm sure of it! Well, yeah, his English does sound a little funny, but I'm sure he's just so excited at finally finding ME...his ONE TRUE LOVE!!!

Isn't Callista just drowning in her tears now! Sorry guys, I know you all want me; but, well, it's HARRY!!!

I have to go now, I need to get me to the spa for the whole nine yards, facial, hair cut, seaweed body wrap, waxing.......

Sigh.....................

18 Comments
Depression Aug 6, 2008 11:58 am
Mood: A bit ticked, 267 Views
I read something not too long ago that lit a fire under me; one that has continued to simmer. There is such a thing as righteous anger, and I have a good case of it. So here goes.

There are many people on this Earth who suffer from clinical depression. This is a biochemical disorder, not a mental or emotional weakness. A person may be tipped over the edge by an event or series of events, but the imbalance is there.

Some people believe and make sweeping statements that this chemical imbalance does not exist—that it is a myth. Let’s just further stigmatize our brothers and sister who suffer, why don’t we? Of them I ask:

Where did you earn your medical degree? Where did you do your residency in psychiatry? How long have you practiced psychiatry? Where did you do your research? How big was your study sample? By what criteria did you determine who was depressed and who was normal? How did you measure brain chemistry? Were medications involved, and did you measure neurotransmitters before and after the administration of medications? In what peer-reviewed medical journal was your study published?

If chemical imbalances indeed do not exist, are schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, postpartum depression, postpartum psychosis and psychotic mania also figments of our perfectly chemically-balanced minds? How about epilepsy? Parkinson’s?

Let’s follow the logic. If chemical imbalances cannot exist in the brain, then they cannot exist in the body, either. So what about diabetes? Addison’s disease? Cushing’s syndrome, hypothyroid, goiter, gout, Celiac disease, infertility, polycystic ovarian syndrome, menopause? None of these people should be taking medications either; because they aren’t sick, right?

It may take trying several different medications to find the one that is effective and well tolerated, but antidepressants are a God-send to those who need them. They do not make you another person; they free you to be the person you truly are.

For those who have “ups and downs”, you may not have depression. You may have bipolar disorder. These mood swings are completely unrelated to events, and they can cause tremendous disruptions in a sufferer’s life. The average person with bipolar disorder suffers 10 years or more before a correct diagnosis is made. Antidepressants not only do NOT help bipolar disorder, they make it worse. If this sounds like you, get thee to a specialist for an evaluation A.S.A.P. It could save your life. Modern medications for these illnesses are far more effective and have far fewer side effects then those “everyone knows” about. These illnesses are no more a weakness than diabetes or cancer, and you shouldn’t be any more ashamed to seek treatment for them.

Depressed? I love you—and God loves you more! Think there is no such thing? Still love you, and God still loves you more!

Amanda has it off her chest now; and hereby steps off her soapbox, slings it over her shoulder and toddles off.
18 Comments
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