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My Little Bit of Heaven
  
Most of you are going through the same or similar trials and tribulations as I am though your stories may be a little different we are all still in the same boat. My prayer is that my little bit of heaven will make your little bit of heaven just a little bit better. May the Lord richly bless you all, cheers.
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How To Stay Young Mar 2, 2006 5:14 pm
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Remember, there is no way you can look as bad as that person on your drivers license.

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
1 comment
For Those That Enjoy The English Language Mar 2, 2006 3:31 pm
203 Views
a.. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

b.. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

c.. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

d.. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

e.. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris must be in Seine.

f.. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

g.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

h.. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

i.. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

j.. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

k.. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

l.. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

m.. Definition of a will: A dead give away.

n.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

o.. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

p.. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

q.. If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll get repossessed.

r.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

s.. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

t.. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

u.. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

v.. Every calendar's days are numbered.

w.. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

x.. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

y.. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

z.. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

aa.. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

ab.. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

ac.. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

ad.. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
2 Comments
The Best Teacher Ever Mar 2, 2006 1:16 pm
239 Views
There is a story from many years ago of a primary school teacher. Her name was Mrs. Thompson. And as she stood in front of her fifth grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children a lie. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same.
But that was impossible because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.
Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he didn't play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. And, Teddy could be unpleasant.
It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold Xs and then putting a big "F" at the top of his papers. At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last.
However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise. Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners. He is a joy to be around."
His second grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle."
His third grade teacher wrote, "His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best but his father doesn't show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken."
Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and sometimes sleeps in class."
By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful paper and tied with pretty ribbons, except for Teddy's. His present which was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag.
Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, "Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my mom used to."
After the children left, she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead she began to teach children.
Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class, and despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her "teacher's pets."
A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer. The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.
The story doesn't end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he'd met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit in the place at the wedding that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom. Of course Mrs. Thompson did.
And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. And she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together. They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, "Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference."
Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you."
2 Comments
Whisper Or Wait For The Brick Mar 2, 2006 1:06 pm
214 Views
A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.
As his car passed, no children appeared.
Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and spun the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.
He jumped out of the car, grabbed the kid that was standing there and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What do you think you are doing, boy?"
Building up a head of steam he went on,
"That's a new car and that brick you threw is
going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"
"Please sir, please. I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do," pleaded the youngster. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop. "Tears were dripping down the boy's chin as he pointed around the parked car. "It's my brother, sir," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."
Sobbing, the boy asked the executive,"Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair, sir? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to
swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat.
He lifted the young man back into the wheelchair
and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking to see that everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and bless you, sir," the grateful child said to him. The man then watched the little boy push his brother down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long walk back to his Jaguar, a
long slow walk. He never did repair the side door. He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention.
GOD whispers in your soul and speaks to
your heart. Sometimes when you don't have time to
listen, HE has to throw a brick at you.

It's your choice: Listen to the whisper - or wait for the brick.
2 Comments
Some Lessons In Logic Mar 1, 2006 2:48 pm
284 Views
If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

I was born intelligent, education ruined me.

Practice makes perfect, however nobody's perfect,
so why practice?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
and behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

The wise never marry and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

"Your future depends on your dreams" so go to sleep.

There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning.

"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk.

"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours

God made relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.

The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know, so why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station, what more can I say.
2 Comments
Some Laws Of Probability That You May Have Not Known About Mar 1, 2006 2:10 pm
290 Views
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to go to the bathroom.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
3 Comments
Church Bloopers Feb 28, 2006 6:33 pm
269 Views
Bloopers: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of Those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a Nursery downstairs.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
4 Comments
The Storm Will End Feb 28, 2006 6:29 pm
248 Views
When the world seems more than you can bear,
And it seems that no one seems to care,
When everything you do seems wrong,
And the stormy weather lasts too long.

Remember that you have a friend,
I'll hear the SOS you send,
Just open up and let me know,
What I can do to ease your woe.
For though I might have problems too,
You know I'll always stand by you,
As you have stood by me, my friend,
We'll help each other to the end.
When friends like us refuse to part,
But help each other from the heart,
If just by knowing someone's there,
Our life is easier to bear.

So reach-out if the clouds turn black,
I'll catch the winds and turn them back,
Just watch the sky for our rainbow,
The storm will end real soon, I know.
1 comment
Just Some Thoughts To Share With You Feb 28, 2006 5:29 pm
253 Views
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

Born free, taxed to death.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills or pay phones?

If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has
to touch it to be sure.

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

The cigarette does the smoking the one that inhales is just the sucker.
0 Comments
Some Interesting statements Made By Some Famous People Feb 28, 2006 4:53 pm
262 Views
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of 39th President, Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you Money.
- Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
- Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- WC Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
- Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
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