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My Little Bit of Heaven
  
Most of you are going through the same or similar trials and tribulations as I am though your stories may be a little different we are all still in the same boat. My prayer is that my little bit of heaven will make your little bit of heaven just a little bit better. May the Lord richly bless you all, cheers.
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You Know You Are Getting Up There In Years When: Dec 1, 2007 5:39 pm
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1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
6 Comments
Great Tips Dec 1, 2007 5:36 pm
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OK, not really, just wanting to have a little fun here, hahahaha, cheers.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days.
Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
2 Comments
Have you experienced God's comfort in times of sorrow?? Dec 1, 2007 4:32 pm
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You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy. Psalm 30:11 NLT

Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return to Jerusalem, singing songs of everlasting joy. Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be overcome with joy and gladness. Isaiah 51:11 NLT

Have you ever danced at a funeral? That would be unthinkable, absurd. Funerals are times of reflection, sorrow and mourning. We expect funerals to bring sadness and tears, not joy and celebration.
We mourn for many reasons and each painful loss tears our emotions and causes us to regret past actions and missed opportunities, to wonder what might have been. Certainly nothing hurts more than the death of a loved one, we miss our fiance or spouse or child or parent or friend and we long to hear that familiar voice and feel the person's touch.
Through the Scriptures, however, we learn that, one day, God will turn mourning into gladness and sadness into joy. That is God's plan. Because we know him, our ultimate destiny is heaven, and we have the solid assurance that one day all sickness, death and sorrow will be banished, we will be perfect and complete. All of this earth, including our pain, is temporary, but our joy will last forever.
6 Comments
The Sixth Sense? Dec 1, 2007 1:49 pm
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A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice
begins warbling, her hands float up above the table and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter?
Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really, really you, Grandmother?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child." "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
10 Comments
North And South Dec 1, 2007 1:46 pm
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The difference between the North and the South at last clearly explained:

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH

In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store, do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go
there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the
oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
12 Comments
One Liners For Today Dec 1, 2007 10:43 am
108 Views
I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is nonsense!

Practice makes perfect. But nobody's perfect.
So why practice?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then, what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

The wise never marry and when they marry they become otherwise.

There should be a better way to start a day than
waking up every morning

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the risk !

God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
0 Comments
Ramblings From The Old Man Dec 1, 2007 10:25 am
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I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
2 Comments
Have you heard about this case? Dec 1, 2007 9:17 am
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In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, 'Case dismissed!'
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'
The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'
The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date, April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and get out of my courtroom! Great answer from the judge!
6 Comments
What will your life accomplish? ? Nov 30, 2007 9:23 pm
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You have decided the length of our lives. You know how many months we will live and we are not given a minute longer. Job 14:5 NLT

John and Betty Stam met at Moody Bible Institute while both were studying to become missionaries to China. After going there separately under the China Inland Mission (CIM), they were unexpectedly reunited and a year later were married. In September 1934, their daughter, Helen, was born. Their lives were suddenly changed on December 6, 1934, when communist soldiers arrested the Stams.
The Stams were forced to make a difficult march to the town of Miao-shou. They were horrified to hear the soldiers discuss plans to murder their baby to make the trip easier. An old farmer stepped forward to object. Little Helen was spared when the man agreed to take her place and was shot on the spot.
Arriving in Miao-shou, Helen was taken from them. Marched to a place of execution, a local Christian doctor begged for their lives. He was condemned to die and John begged for mercy for the doctor. John, Betty, and the doctor were all beheaded.
Helen was found by a Chinese evangelist named Lo who, at great risk, was able to bring her to her grandparents in Tsinan. The news of the "Miracle Baby" and her parents' martyrdom spread around the world. Hundreds pledged their lives to missionary service. A fellow missionary wrote "A life which had the longest span of years might not have been able to do one-hundredth of the work for Christ which they have done in a day."
7 Comments
Thought For Today Nov 30, 2007 5:53 pm
106 Views
A friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
4 Comments
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