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busykydad 58M
2794 posts
9/22/2007 6:32 am
To date or not to date...

I seriously want your opinion. Please read this entire explanation before voting.

First, my priority is my boys. But, on weekends when they are at their Moms, I like to go out, or "date". I'm not wife "shopping" - just somebody to do things with. I realize that through this process "the right one" might come along - and I'm ok with that, but that's not what I'm doing if that makes sense.

Now the dilemma. The only believer I "date" is WAY younger than me. Because of the age difference I feel awkward and we don't "date" as much as we could... All the others are non-believers. I use the "date" as an opportunity so share my faith and have actually had dates attend church with me a couple times.

My question is about the Biblical teachings of being unequally yoked, fellowship with darkness, etc. I would not marry an unbeliever. With these things in mind, do you think it is ok for me to date unbelievers?

Please validate your vote with an explanation...I know you have opinions...
No, its not ok because...
Yes, it is ok because...
Even though this is a yes/no response, I'm providing "other response" for you non-conformists, explain thyself...


"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." - part of Jim Elliot's October 28, 1949 journal entry

One life will soon be passed, only what's done for Christ will last!


apostle2day 82M

9/22/2007 7:04 am

Certainly it's okay !

Amost everyone believes in God, and that's the start of almost every religion there is.

It takes a while for people to see and understand sonship, and finally accept who Jesus was and is. This is quite normal and natural !

The OT believers believed in God (creator), and just like Abraham, God accepts that as a beginning, and blesses people to some extent.

I like younger too ! (the right one, at least)

Just because you date them, that doesn't mean you have to marry them.
You also get to educate them about our great Christ, regardless.

Sounds fine to me !!!
...o course I'm a liberal. (and correct!)



When Christ truly sets you free....it is in every way.
We get bound by beliefs that are too legal, in our minds, and we don't even realize that it's happening!

Keep at it bro. Sounds like yore doing fine, to me !

John 8:32
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."


calvarygrad 70F
480 posts
9/22/2007 7:10 am

From what I know of you in the context of your blogs and responses to others, I would suggest relaxing a little bit. Yes, have a sandwich with an "unbeliever." How do you know she is an unbeliever? Do you mean she doesn't go to church or is she a stripper? Remember that while we were yet sinners.... This is about balance and healing for you, isn't it? I'd be a listener, too, which I sense you are. Allow her to bless you with her insights and personality. Don't be afraid.


Independance
(Patricia )
62F

9/22/2007 7:59 am

I voted yes, it's okay becouse,,God works in mysterious ways, God might use you to bring your date to Jesus, there's a lot of good people who belive in God but dont' know much about Him. As someone who dates mostly younger men, i say, dont' worry too much about the age difference, my current friend is 32 years old and i'm 45, we dont' worry about it, life's too short.

Life is an adventure.


Tulsa_Pit_Girl
(Cathy S)
62F
1610 posts
9/22/2007 10:14 am

Jim, I would say the whole thing is to proceed with caution and prayerfully. Examine your motivations, which I sense you already are. Obviously, the danger is either you becoming emotionally involved with the unbeliever or the unbeliever becoming emotinally involved with you. Then you get into the unequally yoked situation. I dated a non-believer while separated for a brief period of time. That was while I was still trying to find my way back to God. He ended up much more emotionally involved with me than I with him and he ended up breaking it off.

Hope that helps a little!

GBY!
Cathy

"For He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30


jerseygirl1964
(Ginny )
60F
3657 posts
9/22/2007 10:29 am

I say don't worry about age difference. One of my most successful relationships before marriage there was a 15 year age difference and we dated for 4-1/2 years and only had 2 minor arguements. Why I didn't marry him is beyond me. But really I do know, he wasn't sure he wanted more kids and I wanted children. So where we were on family was too different to continue. To this day I always wonder and my mother.....well she still thinks I should be with that guy. I definitely would be comfortable in life and the love was real and is still there for both of us but too much time has gone by and he's moved on besides. Never married but has someone in his life.

But the unequally yoked thing, I wouldn't do again.

Remember though as you try to quit you should not have any extra stress triggers. So chose the ones that bring you pleasure, happiness and laughter. Otherwise...

* Sin is sin. Careful what comes across your lips & out your finger tips!!!
* We are all the Body of Christ. Let's treat each other as such, with the same respect we give to HIM!!
* Relationship advice: DO NOT make someone a PRIORITY, when they ONLY make you an OPTION!!
* A woman's heart should be so lost in God, that a man has to seek HIM in order to find her!!


OceanBlue122 56F

9/22/2007 11:12 am

Yes, it's okay. Your question really hits home in more ways than one. I recently went on a blind date and discovered he had no faith. Never baptized, no mass or services, not an atheist, but doesn't pray. What to do, he's a good man, kind, gentle, etc.? Our age difference was 13 years, he is older. I prayed for guidance. I decided to accept this man if that was what God wanted. Within one week's time, this man was asked to play guitar at a church near his home. He accepted the offer. Long story short, we gently just fizzled out, but he now has faith, joined that church, and is baptized. So that was that. However, my thinking is though, it's a very difficult situation, religious beliefs battling with none or with great indifference. Someone who is strong in their beliefs must remain strong and not weaken in confusion of love. At the same token, I've met persons of my own faith who act as if they have none. Though, it's easier to remind someone they should know better. Well, that's my little spin on it. You're probably more confused now than before. Sorry!!


draedrae 73F

9/22/2007 6:49 pm

BusyKY, this is a tough question. I do believe in being *in the world* and consider myself *off track* if my only social connections are among Christians. How am I gonna win the world if I won't even go out in it? Won't talk to anyone unless they are already signed up? LOL

BUT. (I usually don't like to use the *but* word.) I know me, and once I find a simpatico man, I start falling - not every day, not every man, but when I finally do, I fall hard. And all the parts are connected, flesh and soul-wise, if you know what I mean.

I suspect that the reason we are told not to be unequally yoked is the same reason the highway department puts up those large, colorful blinking signs that say *bridge out.* In other words, there is gonna be trouble if you insist on traveling where there are pieces of the road ahead missing.

I understand the *don't date a non-christian because I can only imagine that I would be one of the first to have real serious trouble disentangling myself if the relationship clicked, and my match wasn't an equally yoked one.

LOL - I haven't given you an answer, just a few *bridge out* signs, I guess. Most of all, I still think *be led by the spirit.* I have one friend God told to marry her husband when he wasn't saved - and she didn't believe in that, but God TOLD her, and confirmed it through her spirit-filled mother and best friend. Later, he got gloriously and is serving God wholeheartedly all over the world. Go figure.

Stay plugged in, man, and humble yourself. You know it's the only way. Blessings on ya! I always enjoy your thoughts!


jerseygirl1964
(Ginny )
60F
3657 posts
9/22/2007 8:06 pm

I am just a friend.

When they see my blessings and what God means to me and how I live it is just every day. I don't have to evangelize people, they just see me. How I live and act. I think that's the best way to see what God has done in my life I am a walking testimony. I don't have to tell it.

I invite them to church because they express interest or I offer but I never preach. See that's what I feel is frightening people or makes people think its a scary thing being so Christian. No, you can help them, live by example but the whole "preachy" way to talk or judging or bible quoting or saying someone won't go to heaven.... I think, scares people the most.

I like what Ocean Blue said. Someone was asked and led thru a gifted musical talent and is now saved and baptized. Those are the stories I love to hear. Someone whose life just brought them to be saved because you know its the Lord working. There are no coincidences.

I just personally am just limiting myself to Christen men. I really have sifted thru some boloney even with Christians so, I say go with your gut. Meet in public. Keep it casual. Do what feels right and comfortable. Good conversation. I'm sure you will do just fine.

Just be yourself. Laugh and have fun. Don't be afraid to be silly. Girls like the boyish qualities but not the gross immature stuff. Like noooooooooo wet willies or sticking straws in your nose and ears. Stuff like that. I grew up with 4 brothers, so nothing shocks me and they do corner the market on disgusting stuff that can make a girl (sister) gag.


* Sin is sin. Careful what comes across your lips & out your finger tips!!!
* We are all the Body of Christ. Let's treat each other as such, with the same respect we give to HIM!!
* Relationship advice: DO NOT make someone a PRIORITY, when they ONLY make you an OPTION!!
* A woman's heart should be so lost in God, that a man has to seek HIM in order to find her!!


Jcloveofmylife 59F

9/22/2007 9:28 pm

    Quoting  :

Amen, I agree...Been there done that also! Remember satan also works in mysterious ways by setting lonely people up for the fall. Just happen to me not long ago...I ran accross my old high school sweetheart after 31 years and thought it would be ok to just talk sometimes and eat dinner out a few times with him and chose not to listen to the Holy Spirits warning dream...Well it ended with a painful broken heart, He wasn't a Christian but pretended to be interested! Long story but we have to stick to our guns on dating and not compromise even a tiny bit or it could lead us to a fall. God Bless!


apostle2day 82M

9/24/2007 11:13 am

ky, my friend & bro....

I'm glad to hear you've got me figured out !!!
Maybe now you'll have some good theology input everytime you think about me. I'm just trying to help, bro !!! You're not quite there yet ! (and I'm sure there are things I don't know yet too, but He has shown me some very important things over the years, that are biblical, common sense, and wonderful to know!)
The truth really will set us free.....
Regards & best wishes....
I hope you're still going on that quitting smoking effort !
You definitely need to.


apostle2day 82M

9/25/2007 6:37 am

One day yule understand what I've been trying to tell you.
In the meantime, you're doing fine !!!....and in fact, more than fine ! That's one reason I like you a lot....
You just don't don't have a large part of the truth yet, and there's really no way that it can be explained to you, until that time, even though the NT spells it out here and there, very clearly. The Lord has to help you see it. He said it Himself, but in a veiled way.

In the meantime, just don't write anybody off that you try to minister to ! Every knee is gonna bow....to the glory !!!
I guarantee it....


jerseygirl1964
(Ginny )
60F
3657 posts
9/25/2007 8:18 am

Way to early to hear about the salmon reincarnation......gag.



* Sin is sin. Careful what comes across your lips & out your finger tips!!!
* We are all the Body of Christ. Let's treat each other as such, with the same respect we give to HIM!!
* Relationship advice: DO NOT make someone a PRIORITY, when they ONLY make you an OPTION!!
* A woman's heart should be so lost in God, that a man has to seek HIM in order to find her!!


jerseygirl1964
(Ginny )
60F
3657 posts
9/25/2007 8:23 am

Way to early to hear about the salmon reincarnation......gag.



* Sin is sin. Careful what comes across your lips & out your finger tips!!!
* We are all the Body of Christ. Let's treat each other as such, with the same respect we give to HIM!!
* Relationship advice: DO NOT make someone a PRIORITY, when they ONLY make you an OPTION!!
* A woman's heart should be so lost in God, that a man has to seek HIM in order to find her!!


jerseygirl1964
(Ginny )
60F
3657 posts
9/25/2007 9:38 am

You got a point there Jim!


* Sin is sin. Careful what comes across your lips & out your finger tips!!!
* We are all the Body of Christ. Let's treat each other as such, with the same respect we give to HIM!!
* Relationship advice: DO NOT make someone a PRIORITY, when they ONLY make you an OPTION!!
* A woman's heart should be so lost in God, that a man has to seek HIM in order to find her!!


truddie 46F

9/25/2007 10:40 am

Offcourse it's alright! You're not intimate with any of your dates and don't plan to. Although your sitution with that younger one is abit ify lol! You sound clear about being unequally yoked which I'm sure will keep you grounded. These are people you like to hang-out with. Don't see any harm, otherwise we'd never have non-christian friends.


saxmanjr07301974 50M

9/25/2007 4:42 pm

I say dont date!

Jesus, out Bethrothed husband to be never "dated' us...ans since we are to be "immitators of Christ..." Its seems that maybe we should try a different route!


Hisglory77
(Byron )
64M

9/25/2007 11:39 pm

Jim;

Wow, so many comments, and things I could address in those comment, so I think I will start with going back to the question.

Yes, absolutely date unbelievers. Yes date believers who are younger then you. Yes date, date, date.

You are meeting and socializing with people. You are seeing views you may not otherwise see. Seeing some of these views on the outside, in the world can help you immensely in your job as a pastor.
You are showing yourself as an openminded man, non-judgemental, and not the stuffy aristocrate that unbelievers perceive us as. People get to see you are indeed human. This makes you more approachable by those in your congregation, and others on the outside who for whatever reason refuses to attend church.

Yes your example is being watched by your boys and others, but you are doing nothing wrong. Even if you are dating unbelievers, and if there are unbelievers watching how you conduct yourself, this allows you a unique oppertunity to show good etitique in dating which our young men need so badly these days.
The younger unbelievers you take out and give a nice time to will remember the gentleman you were. As they meet other young men who are not as gentlemanly, they may begin to tell them how to conduct themselves more properly. It may inspire some of these young ladies to prefer and even insist on being treated properly. It could even tip the scales for them to get saved, and begin dating men of God.

You also benefit by honning your social skills, and building your own self confidence around women. It helps you to narrow down what you may want, and teaches you how to handle various situations as you encounter them.
If you are open with your boys, they will learn as you learn, and you will impart upon them that which you are doing right.

Not to mention that you may lead people to salvation, possibly even encountering situations to glorify God and move the Word in ways not possible otherwise.

I once was in a restruant with an unbeliever who began to ask questions. My Bible came out, and a 2 hour question/answer session ensued. Before I knew it, 6 other people were at our table, all with questions as well. By the end of the night, 4 of those 6 got saved, and I planted a seed in my date.
I saw her a few months later on National Prayer Day, but didn't speak to her. I didn't need to, for she was one of the on stage singers.

Jesus ate with the sinners and publicans. His ministry was out in the world, not hiding in the temple. So it is with you.

Can you become involved too much and get hurt? Sure you can, but at least you didn't sit at home alone.
As far as believers go, you can get just as hurt.
I recently dated a woman I found out was from a church that believes my church is a cult. I took her out 5 times. We always had a nice time
with each other.
When we reached the immpasse, we parted without ill feelings. We are still friends.

Byron

Isaiah 66:2b; But to this one I will look, To him who is humble and contrite of spirit, and who trembles at My word.


saxmanjr07301974 50M

9/27/2007 10:28 am

Yes I actually am trying this route!

I'mm 33 and have never been given a chance to be in a relationship due to the games that people like to play, Like that old line of "I just want to be friends," that never comes up in discussion when it comes to the church teaching about "dating."

My profile that states that I am looking for a "dating relationship," I actually need to change that!


Hisglory77
(Byron )
64M

9/27/2007 11:32 pm

    Quoting Drousey:
    Maybe someone should define the difference between "dating" and "socializing". I see no problem with "socializing" with unbelievers, I do it all the time and have MANY MANY unbelieving friends who I witness to.

    Byron ... I am impressed with your restaurant story, but was that a "date" or a social gathering? Was the young lady you were out with potential wife material? Were you looking to her for such a possiblity? If not, then you were "socializing" and not dating.

    To me, dating has more to it than just hanging out with friends. It's a process of getting to know someone in the hopes of something bigger. In this case, you need to be selective about who you "date". By the time I go out on a "date" with someone, I want to know where they are in Christ and if their values match mine.

    Jim -- what was your real purpose in this blog???
Dating, socializing, witnessing, hanging out, whatever you want to call it. This is the number one reason why unmarried Christian tend to remain unmarried.
Or worse yet on the other hand they have multiple marriages which end in divorce.

Perhaps we should be realistic and narrow down dating to only two possiblities.
1, Friendship dating
2, Engagement dating

From my observation, about 95% of Christian women think of the later when the word 'date,' is used.
ibelieve60 is a typical example. As she said herself, "never date anyone I wouldn't consider marrying."

Do you women not see that you have trapped yourself in a loop?
You want to at least be reasonaly assured that the man you date is one you will marry, But there is no way to know that unless you date him. So by saying "No," because you don't know if you may want to marry him, you exclude yourself from the very man you may have married.

Lighten up and just socialize (or whatever you want to call it and enjoy)

As for the woman I took to the restruant, I consider that a date. (a friendship date I suppose) I knew she was an unbeliver, and I had not even the slightet intention of a relationship.
I just wanted the comapny of a woman. No innuendos, or anything not appropreate. But I really hate eating alone, so if I have to pay for a lady's meal to have her dine with me, it's worth it.

I don't expect $ex for feeding a woman. The fellowship is enough.
Strange how nobody on here wants to believe me. I've been talking about it for the last two years, and have had dates more weekends then I haven't. Yet I get chastised by more then I don't. But I have made over a hundred friends in the last two years.
Many or actually most are unbelievers. Few believers are willing to go out with me because they think like ibelieve60, and Drousey.

That really is your loss, and soo too bad.
Next Friday, some lucky girl is going to have dinner with me, followed by going to a concert featuring the well known Gospel band the Newsboys. She will have a good meal, see a fantastic Christian band and we will both have a wonderful time. Will we advance beyond?
I won't pretend to know, but there will be no $ex, no making out, no kissing, and quite likely not even holding hands. A little hug at the end of the night is a possibility, but no more. If we like each other, we will likely go out again. I will have made yet another friend. If it becomes romance, wonderful, if not nothing lost. It's a win/win.

Byron

Isaiah 66:2b; But to this one I will look, To him who is humble and contrite of spirit, and who trembles at My word.


SizzlingSunshine 57F

9/29/2007 3:07 pm

I think we must choose between God and wrong friendships. trust me you will not have both for long. When choosing close friends, especially where there is a chance of romantic involvement, remember this simple fact: a person either belongs to God or to the devil. There is no middle ground!
Having any kind of intimate relationship with an unbeliever can quickly and easily turn into something that is a hindrance to your walk with Christ. We are called to evangelize the lost, not be intimate with them. There is nothing wrong with building quality friendships with unbelievers but that is as far as it should go.

Smiles
Sunshine


Hisglory77
(Byron )
64M

9/29/2007 9:43 pm

I am certainly not advocating believers have romantic relationships, or intimacy with unbelievers, and I am absolutley not reading, or writing anything between the lines.
A date is NOT $ex, it is a date, and that is where we are getting it wrong, and why some of us are becomming huffy over it.

Date - a social meeting in a public setting between two unmarried, or unattached persons of opposite gender for the expressed purpose of getting to know each other in platonic friendship.
Ususally involves having a meal together in a public eating establishment, followed by attending an event of entertainment, or common interest, including but not limited to...a movie, a play, a concert, a sporting event, a political event, a church activity, or some form of recreation, such as dancing, skating, or walking.

Dating does NOT automaticly imply romance, and/or $exual activities.
However such issues are possible, and even frequent among non-believers, and carnal minded Christians who have over time degraded chastite courtships into images of filth and immorality.

Isaiah 66:2b; But to this one I will look, To him who is humble and contrite of spirit, and who trembles at My word.


Hisglory77
(Byron )
64M

9/30/2007 2:31 pm

    Quoting busykydad:
    Byron, did I miss something? I didn't see anybody getting huffy...nor even disagreeing with anything you've said...maybe I need to reread...
No sir. I didn't mean specificly this discussion string.
Nearly every time the subjects of dating, or boyfriend/girlfriend comes up, someone gets the wrong idea, and reads immorality into it.

I have been flamed on these blogs many times, and received hellfire E-mails from people who misunderstand dating and courtships as meaning pre-marital $exual relations. I thought to make a pre-emptive statement this time before such misunderstandings occur.
Some people here mistakenly think that anyone who doesn't lament against immorality on a regular basis is in fact supporting the sin.

Isaiah 66:2b; But to this one I will look, To him who is humble and contrite of spirit, and who trembles at My word.