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 | Blogs > redbird1122 > Rebirth Of The Phoenix > My Testimony Part Thirteen |
My Testimony Part Thirteen
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To read My Testimony from the beginning please go to My Testimony and click on the links there. Disclaimer: I want first of all to let everyone know that what I am about to reveal is not because I am living in the past or because I am holding on to it. I am not still wearing my grave clothes, so to speak. A testimony is simply speaking the truth of what God has done in one's life, personal experience of His love, grace, power, glory. For a biblical example of a testimony please see Acts 26:1-23 Before I go any further with my testimony I want to say right here and now that my husbands did not have it easy. I have told you about my first husband and my problems with him and later I will tell you about my later problems. But right now I want to focus on their problems with me. I know that it is so easy for us to minimize the fact that it takes the effort of both parties to make a marriage as well as to break it. Yes, that is what I said. It takes TWO to destroy a marriage. I don’t care what anyone says, there are no innocent victims in a divorce except the children. I am not in any way shape or form justifying spousal abuse. But women are notorious for abusing their husbands just as much as men abuse their wives, they just do it in a different way, sometimes not even intending to do so. I know for myself that I was one who got mouthy and loud when I was angry or hurt. I had the memory of an elephant and could quote every wrong thing my husband had ever done or said since the day I had met him, date and time, every time we got into an argument. And who among we women have not denied our mates access to our bodies as punishment for some wrong? We can lie to others and say we really did have a head-ache, we can even try to lie to ourselves, but we can’t lie to God. Over the years, through counseling, I have found that I suffer from various “mental” disorders that explain, not excuse, but explain some of the things that I have done during my marriages. Just in the past 6 months I have discovered that I have BI-Polar disorder, also known as Manic Depression, where one minute I can be in highest heaven and the very next in the very depths of hell itself. I also suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) due to the abuse I suffered as a child. This was definitely a hardship on my spouse. Imagine if you will, lying in bed asleep at night and turning to cuddle with the one you are married to. Or suppose you get rowdy in the middle of the night and you decide to wake them for a little playtime. Now suppose the result is that they wake up screaming bloody murder, crying and begging you, “Daddy, please don’t!!!” Dissociative Disorder is another of my diagnoses. The best way I know to describe this one is to say, take the previous scenario and have it launch your spouse into the past in such a real sense that they are actually reliving it. They are no longer, in their minds, in bed with you as an adult. Instead, they have become that child, they are in their beds that they slept in as a child, and the scene that you have awakened from their past is just as real to them at that moment as it was then. I can only imagine what it must have been like for them, and I shudder to think how hard I made it for them. And not only for my spouse’s but also for my children and other’s who have witnessed these dissociative episodes. I have not had such an episode in years, but then I have been alone for years as well. I have done a lot of healing and growing in these years, but I also wonder if I am or ever will be well enough to deserve a loving, God-fearing mate. For I would never want to put another man through what my ex’s have been through with me, as long as I live. God is good and He alone knows what is in store for my future. And I know and trust that He will do what is best for me, what is best for my brothers and sisters everywhere. And if He chooses for me to remain alone, then I am assured that He will also provide the strength and the grace I will need to be alone. Ephesians 6:13 . . .and having done all, to stand 
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11/24/2006 12:44 am |
Your too hard on yourself
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11/24/2006 10:57 am |
Your too hard on yourself Ephesians 6:13 . . .and having done all, to stand
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11/27/2006 4:43 am |
Psychology was born and formed out of the foundations of humanism and that is why a label is attached. jesus Can set you free from all of this. I have seen it alot. But it is a matter of who's report will you believe. Your place at the banquet table is there for you.You can never be set free by Psychology, but your inheiritance as a believer of jesus is that he did set you free.
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11/27/2006 12:22 pm |
Psychology was born and formed out of the foundations of humanism and that is why a label is attached. jesus Can set you free from all of this. I have seen it alot. But it is a matter of who's report will you believe. Your place at the banquet table is there for you.You can never be set free by Psychology, but your inheiritance as a believer of jesus is that he did set you free. Ephesians 6:13 . . .and having done all, to stand
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11/28/2006 1:06 pm |
Redbird, Thank you so much for having the strength and courage to share your testimony! The old enemy of God can't take our salvation, so he tries to steal the word of our TESTIMONY and he has NOT STOLEN YOURS! You ARE free in JESUS praise God. Talking about where we were is not the same as wallowing and I appreciate your candor! May GOd bless your testimony and bring those to you whome He will bless and grow through it!!!!! You are such a beautiful lady in the Lord and I appreciate you! Amen Dennis Jesus is the key but it is also HIS timing that is involved, there is a time for everything under heaven and we need to be sure that the Holy Spirit is telling us when to speak and what to say!!! Revelation 12:1-11 1 A great and wondrous sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head. 2 She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth. 3 Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his heads. 4 His tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the earth. The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that he might devour her child the moment it was born. 5 She gave birth to a son, a male child, who will rule all the nations with an iron scepter. And her child was snatched up to God and to his throne. 6 The woman fled into the desert to a place prepared for her by God, where she might be taken care of for 1,260 days. 7 And there was war in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. 8 But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in heaven. 9 The great dragon was hurled down--that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him. 10 Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say: "Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. 11 They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. Satan cannot steal our salvation (the blood of the lamb and our righteousness) so he tries to steal our testimonies! Let us be righteous and faithful in sharing the mighty long way from which Jesus has brought us! We should not even have to clarify that in testimony we are not 'wallowing' in what is dead! We are very obviously alive in Christ, but where did we come from? THAT is the great miracle!
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 11/28/2006 6:54 pm |
Cecilia, Thank you so much for getting the courage to open up and share your heart with us. It takes the power of the Lord to heal the deepest wounds that's been buried for years. It's great to know that we have the Lord Jesus who truly understands us even if we don't understand ourselves... Keep sharing His Power in your life... FOR GOD'S GLORY, HONOR & PRAISE! Glo Teach me your way, O LORD,and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify Your name forever. (Psalm 86:11,12)
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11/28/2006 9:31 pm |
Redbird, Thank you so much for having the strength and courage to share your testimony! The old enemy of God can't take our salvation, so he tries to steal the word of our TESTIMONY and he has NOT STOLEN YOURS! You ARE free in JESUS praise God. Talking about where we were is not the same as wallowing and I appreciate your candor! May GOd bless your testimony and bring those to you whome He will bless and grow through it!!!!! You are such a beautiful lady in the Lord and I appreciate you! Amen Dennis Jesus is the key but it is also HIS timing that is involved, there is a time for everything under heaven and we need to be sure that the Holy Spirit is telling us when to speak and what to say!!! Revelation 12:1-11 1 A great and wondrous sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head. 2 She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth. 3 Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his heads. 4 His tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the earth. The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that he might devour her child the moment it was born. 5 She gave birth to a son, a male child, who will rule all the nations with an iron scepter. And her child was snatched up to God and to his throne. 6 The woman fled into the desert to a place prepared for her by God, where she might be taken care of for 1,260 days. 7 And there was war in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. 8 But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in heaven. 9 The great dragon was hurled down--that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him. 10 Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say: "Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. 11 They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. Satan cannot steal our salvation (the blood of the lamb and our righteousness) so he tries to steal our testimonies! Let us be righteous and faithful in sharing the mighty long way from which Jesus has brought us! We should not even have to clarify that in testimony we are not 'wallowing' in what is dead! We are very obviously alive in Christ, but where did we come from? THAT is the great miracle! There are many who suffer the same things that we suffer, it is our Christian obligation to light the way for those who come behind us, to let them know that passage through the valleys they travel is possible. For so long everything concerning this type of abuse was kept hush-hush, the victims were shamed into keeping quiet and we all felt that we were alone, different, unique. That something was wrong with us that caused these things to happen to us. This type of thinking must come to an end. Light must be shed on this so that these victims can become survivors. It is happening, slowly, oh, so slowly, because of the shame associated with it. I simply refuse to accept the shame any longer, as it does not belong to me. Php 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ: Php 3:12 Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus. Php 3:14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. 1Pe 5:10 But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you. Ephesians 6:13 . . .and having done all, to stand
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11/28/2006 9:32 pm |
Cecilia, Thank you so much for getting the courage to open up and share your heart with us. It takes the power of the Lord to heal the deepest wounds that's been buried for years. It's great to know that we have the Lord Jesus who truly understands us even if we don't understand ourselves... Keep sharing His Power in your life... FOR GOD'S GLORY, HONOR & PRAISE! Glo Ephesians 6:13 . . .and having done all, to stand
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11/29/2006 9:25 am |
amen ladies! I praise God for those whose testimonies give hope!!!
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11/30/2006 5:57 am |
I have just read through all of these 13 testimony 'parts' and want to say that I believe you have many gifts - one being the gift of encouragement. Thank you for sharing so honestly from your heart of the pain and suffering that have been so evident in your life. Also for your honesty in talking about yourself with bi-polar disorder and also disassociative order (or whatever) with your husbands. Yes, it must have been so hard for them - but for you as well. We are fractured and sinful beings and whatever we have done, without God's forgiveness and love toward us, we are, as you say, 'filthy rags'. However, we have a great and mighty God who knows our heart better than we know it ourself - why? For He has made us and knit us together in our mother's womb - and he knows our innermost parts. Thankyou and God bless you as you become a 'wounded healer' to others. Alpha Omega 2006
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11/30/2006 9:49 am |
I have just read through all of these 13 testimony 'parts' and want to say that I believe you have many gifts - one being the gift of encouragement. Thank you for sharing so honestly from your heart of the pain and suffering that have been so evident in your life. Also for your honesty in talking about yourself with bi-polar disorder and also disassociative order (or whatever) with your husbands. Yes, it must have been so hard for them - but for you as well. We are fractured and sinful beings and whatever we have done, without God's forgiveness and love toward us, we are, as you say, 'filthy rags'. However, we have a great and mighty God who knows our heart better than we know it ourself - why? For He has made us and knit us together in our mother's womb - and he knows our innermost parts. Thankyou and God bless you as you become a 'wounded healer' to others. Alpha Omega 2006 Ephesians 6:13 . . .and having done all, to stand
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