 | Blogs > deepestfaith > Mesianic Viewpoints > Commitment and Covenant: Relationships (Part 3) |
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Part 3 A woman tends to know innately, that she loves her husband and loves her family. She’s created that way. She didn’t have a choice. She had to love Adam right? You know with Eve. It’s like here’s Adam, that’s it. She's created sort of with that unconditional kind of gene or that unconditional kind of loving personality. Now it can get stamped out, but here’s what happens. When a husband comes across as insensitive or unloving a lady’s typical response is to respond with criticism or complaining or the worst word we could use is nagging. In an effort because she believes it is her job to help her husband be more loving. She’s trying to do that but it doesn’t work. It would be sort of like we are trying to sell brass knuckles to the pope. It just doesn’t work. But she is trying to coerce that. What happens next is that the husband hears criticism and complaining which he interprets as contempt. That she is contemptuous of me. And the husband tends to think like this, “I don’t deserve to be spoken to that way. I have never spoke to her that way. None of my other friends speak to me that way. I never get treated or spoken to that way at work, even when I mess up at work no one speaks to me that way.” So what do husbands do? Husbands do one of two things. Husbands stonewall. They turn the TV up or go to the man-cave or go play golf or something, right? They stonewall and quit communicating with their wife. The other reaction some husbands have is that they speak harshly to their wives. And here’s the problem, here is why it is a cycle. MEN HEAR CRITICISM, AS CONTEMPT, AND CONTEMPT IS SYNONYMOUS WITH DISRESPECT. Men hear criticism as contempt, while women feel silence or harsh words as HOSTILITY, and hostility or a hostile environment is one devoid of love. So what both spouses or partners need is interpreted as contempt even though that is not maybe what the wife means; and, as hostility even if that is not what the husband means. But then it becomes a cycle that can eventually spin out of control and you are arguing over something that really is insignificant and it is all a breakdown of love and respect. Every single conflict that I have looked into in marriage, in my own and those I have counseled a little bit or referred to counselors is ultimately a breakdown of love (she didn’t feel like he loved her) or a breakdown in respect (he felt disrespected). Then every argument gets worse because the way we’re wired or we tend to respond furthers breakdown of love and furthers the breakdown of respect. And suddenly these two people created by God to compliment each other in marriage suddenly just dislike each other to the point of “should I turn it on and cut it off and give up on this thing called Marriage.” Every marriage has to deal with that cycle, that round and round and where it stops, nobody knows. But here is how we stop it. The giving of love and respect let me say that again. THE GIVING OF LOVE AND RESPECT IS UNNATURAL AND UNCONDITIONAL. It is unnatural and therefore it MUST BE unconditional. Listen, it is unnatural for a woman to typically respond to her husband with respect. I’ll explain that in a little bit. It is unnatural for a man to typically respond with the kind of love that the wife or the woman wants the husband to respond with. A great example of this is the greeting card industry. The greeting card industry is like a multi, multi, multi million dollar industry in America. The vast majority of greeting cards are sold to women. And the greeting card companies know this so they tailor the messages in the greeting cards to women. Most greeting cards have the language of Love in them. Very rarely do you see a greeting card, even a greeting card that a woman would send to a man saying “I admire and respect you so much,” because it is unnatural of the ladies’ language. It is also unnatural for guys because that’s why the apostle Paul says, “ Hey guys, you have to love women”, the men say, “What do you mean?” which he replies, “as you love yourself.” So finally the guys say, “Ok, I got that.” So it is unnatural and it must be unconditional. Let me explain this with each gender. Ok women, as I said agape love which is unconditional love, and that’s the love Paul refers to in Ephesians 5:33. Agape love is more natural for a woman. Why is it more natural? Because like I said about Eve, had only one choice. Here’s Adam and she unconditionally knew that he was her man. So that came natural for her. What’s interesting is that if you look at another passage of scripture where Paul is giving instructions. There is a different word for love that Paul uses. It’s found in Titus 2:4 and here is what it says, (Paul is talking to some older women in the church) “ Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children,” Now the word love that he uses there, remember there are 3 types of love in the Greek language, is totally opposite from the word love he uses in Ephesians 5:33. The love in Titus 2:4 is the love in Greek known as “Phileo” love, or brotherly love. The love you have for like a friend. Which is more in tuned with a respectful love. So he is like saying to ladies, “I know you don’t struggle with unconditional love. I think you struggle with giving unconditional respect.” Here’s the example, in counseling this book I am reading called Love and Respect this counselor details this circumstance that I have also seen in talking with couples. The counselor asks the guy, “Do you think your wife loves you?” The man says, “Absolutely.” The counselor then asks, “Do you think your wife likes you?” The man replies, “Nope!” We all know this, not PMS, not premensta…not that PMS but, Pre-Murder Syndrome. When Mama is about to get someone. When she is so irate and she is just worn down and so her language just comes out and it is like “I don’t think she likes me anymore.” And listen, Men, we need to feel liked and respected. And that is why Paul says to women, you got to respect your husbands. That’s why in Titus 2:4 he says you got to “Phileo” or brotherly love or like bosom buddy love, respect love your husband. All right, now men, Agape love does not come natural to us. Again, think back to the Garden. Here’s all these responsibilities, here’s all these animals, the whole kingdom of God, that dominion has been given to Adam. So he has got a lot of things vying for his attention. But Paul says that the one thing that should get your unconditional agape love is your wife. Eve, first in importance, you have got to love her with agape love and in case you don’t know what that means, “You have to love your wife just like you love Y O U R S E L F.” And so when men come across as sort of responsibility driven, or careless and insensitive. We really misunderstand our wives hearts. And it is interpreted as crude and unloving. And what men ought to do is; when my wife is complaining or seems sort of hostile or contemptuous, maybe she is crying out for me to be more loving. And then we have to say is my response going to communicate to her love or is it going to communicate hostility. That’s where the breakdown occurs on the man’s side. On the woman’s side when we respond to our husbands with contempt or disrespect. And remember it is a cycle. One fuels the other. And that is why it is so important and this is the most difficult part; the love and respect have to be unconditional. HAVE TO BE UNCONDITIONAL. Now here’s the thing, in most circles they talk about unconditional, unconditional, unconditional love, and so in a woman’s world that comes natural. And men we have heard it, “Love like Christ loved…” and all that kind of stuff. But what Paul is really referring to in Ephesians 5:33 is that the respect offered to husbands is also to be unconditional. This flies in the face of the world because the world says that respect ought to be deserved and respect ought to be earned. NOOOOO Because respect is a man’s primary love language. So the respect given to him has got to be unconditional as well. And when both people going into a marriage and preparing for marriages and in a marriage understand that they’ll understand a powerful principle, which is this. You can’t get what you need in your relationships by depriving your partner of what they need. That is why it is unnatural. The natural tendency is going to be, “She talked to me that way, so I will cut her off or build a wall.” The natural tendency is, “He is silent not responsive, so I will cut him off and I won’t respect him, or I will withhold affection from him.” That is the natural response. But it DOESN’T WORK. I know of no relationship where a man has responded with harsh words or silence and the wife has responded with respect. It just doesn’t work. I know of no time in any marriage where a wife has been mad at the husband and disrespectful of him and he responded in love. It just doesn’t work, because and here’s the truth. When we men respond with unconditional love, it motivates unconditional respect from the wives. Ladies, when you respond with unconditional respect to your husband, it will motivate agape unconditional love from your husband. But you can’t get there by depriving each other of what God has created for you to compliment in each other. It just doesn’t work. So the real question is this, but first it is not the notion of this. Many people in marriages will say, “I am committed to my marriage.” Because marriage is somewhat in high esteem and it should be. But what we need to get to more with men and women and husbands and wives is that I don’t want my future wife to be committed to marriage, I want her committed to Michael. Your spouse won’t want you committed to marriage, but committed to her or committed to him. UN-CON-DI-TION-ALLY. And when those kinds of things happen and that kind of attitude moves into marriages and relationships, WOW. It is so powerful. And that is why I have to make this statement because I talk to people about to be married, singles that want to be married, teenagers, people that are divorced or widows, people dating again or thinking about getting married again. Here is what you have to ask yourself. Am I able to love a man and respect a man…love a woman and respect a woman…unconditionally. Here’s the truth we got to say. The only way to respond in unconditional love and unconditional respect, the only way to respond to a sinner cause everyone of us are sinners; the only way to respond unconditionally is if Jesus Christ has met all of your conditions. The only way a husband can respond to a wife because a wife is a sinner and the only way a wife can respond to a husband because the husband is a sinner is if Christ has met all of our conditions. So suddenly a husband doesn’t go to a wife like Jerry McGuire and say you got to complete me. Suddenly a man can respond to his wife unconditionally. And a husband’s unconditional response to the wife prompts her to respond to him unconditionally in a way that honors God and honors marriage and blesses them. That’s the kind of marriage God wants, that God says is possible and that is available if we capture the principles of Ephesians 5:33. Let me say one more thing to singles or people that are dating. You have to ask yourself this question. Is dating this person drawing me closer to Christ. I know too many Christian people, who are incredible Christian people when they are single. Two Christian people suddenly start dating and they pull each other away from Jesus Christ. Someone with the spiritual gift of breaking people up, need to break them up. Because that is a disaster waiting to happen. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This concludes Part 3 of Section 1 in this series. There are 4 sections in this series with 4 Parts in each. The second Section will be talking to just women, so the men don’t need to read that. The third section is for men, therefore no women allowed (just kidding). And the Last section is the best that is all I will say. Part 4 of section 1 is short and covers only 2 more points and will be out very soon. Thanks for all the comments and emails. Christianity for Dummies: Chapter 4 : Go to Church Christianity for Dummies: Chapter 3 : Sin and Repentence Christianity for Dummies: Chapter 2 Salvation Christianity for Dummies: Prologue and Chapter 1 : Praying In the Heat of the Night: Testimony Chapter 4 Judging and Gossiping , Commitment and Covenant: For All (Part 15, 16 and End) Commitment and Covenant: For All (Part 13 and 14) , Commitment and Covenant: For Men (Part 11 and 12 ) Commitment and Covenant: For Men (Part 9 and 10 ) , Commitment and Covenant: For Women (Part 8 ) Commitment and Covenant: For Women (Part 7) , Commitment and Covenant: For Women (Part 5 & 6) Commitment and Covenant: Relationships (Part 4) , Commitment and Covenant: Relationships (Part 3) Commitment and Covenant: Relationships (Part 1 & 2) , Walk the Walk Self Esteem....and the 8-Cow Wife , I am a Christian…So What Now? Communicating According to the Scriptures , Friend vs. Spouse Christ in the cells of our body. , The Love-Hate list |
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6/8/2008 9:50 pm |
Thanks again for another well written blog which has helped me view a future partner with one important criteria "Is this person drawing me closer in my walk with Jesus?" I know that if I asked that question 3/4 of the suiters that come into my life would be in my cyber-trash bin... Why is it that some of us move forward with the bottom-dwellers for way too long? Thanks Michael You are a Mench!
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 6/7/2008 1:49 pm |
Hi Michael, This really is a wonderful teaching. People say that marriage is a 50/50 deal I've always said it's 100% from both partners. God Bless You Sue John 14:6 - Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me
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6/1/2008 2:20 pm |
That is awesome! and yes, I know I'm divorced, but marriage is forever. I think people would respond differently to each other if they knew they would always be together. It is possible to have unconditional respect for a man, because God tells us to, which means the grace is available if we ask for it.
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5/31/2008 6:24 pm |
"deepestfaith replies on 5/31/2008 6:53 pm: he he. Covenants will be covered in the fourth section. This section is just the build up followed by a section for women, then men." Just like a man to make us wait - or is it the other way around - the woman makes the man wait?!?!?!" The age old question!!!  "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31) How can we NOT praise Him - Marilyn
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5/31/2008 5:32 pm |
Oh, Michael, I so appreciate these teachings. As I read, I have light bulb moments  Speaking of the unconditional....I think that is why Jim and I each say....you bring the best out in me..... It is true that I find it very easy to love Jim because his unconditional...makes me automatically respond with all I have. I appreciate you mentioning the spiritual bonding that should continue....it is our glue and gives us correct perspective of each other....for me...the Holy Spirit gives me guidance on how to approach Jim at times when I feel out of sorts. Knowing that Jim is open and willing to listen without condemnation helps me not to be afraid of criticism....I am glad you explained this about women feeling criticism and it not really being so from a man's viewpoint. Being both Christians under God's guidance brings great honesty, strength, integrity, love, and understanding in our relationship. Can't wait to read the rest. Thank you for all this extensive work.  BethPeace,Beth In all thy ways ackowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths. Prov 3:6
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5/31/2008 4:21 pm |
Very well done Michael - very to the point - especially about the unconditional respect being so unnatural since we've been taught it must be earned. I loved the book when I read it - I saw the potential in it in relationships if people actually grabbed a hold of this concept and applied it to their life - their relationships. I'm not quite seeing how this applies to covenant yet - but I'm sure you will bring that out later. B's & H's! How can we NOT praise Him - Marilyn
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5/31/2008 4:34 am |
Awesome, Michael! Penelope Captive of Hope 
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5/30/2008 1:58 pm |
I believe the only way through the differences is to meet the other persons family and friends and minister past and present and look closely at their character and actions then and if you can respect their whole character you can go on from friends to whatever happens, blessings Jo
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he he. Covenants will be covered in the fourth section. This section is just the build up followed by a section for women, then men.
